To create a social circle

Dearjulie used to have a lot of friends, whom I talk to almost every day, see almost every week, hang out with almost all the time, you know, dancing buddies, drinking buddies, workout buddies, eating buddies and whatever buddies (but not THAT, so get your mind out of the gutter).

Ever since moving to NYC, I noticed that 1) I have less and less friends, 2) I don't get to make friends easily anymore. I was OK with it since I have TB - he is my everything buddy. But now I find myself eager to make new friends, because my son needs friends.

Ok, I am not sure if he needs friend, he didn't tell me. But I think he needs friend - who does not? I want to start his social life early and I want him to be surrounded by kids at the same age. Otherwise, he'd be either bored staying home with me every day, or lonely... that's not good.

Whoever goes out making new friends in my age?! Well, ME! I am very into making new (mom) friends these days. I belong to 3 different mommy's groups and I am starting to (quasi) organize one myself.

They are all called "support groups" for new moms. I care less about that - I don't think I have issues that I couldn't solve myself and that I have to share with others that my son is an angel sleeping well, eating well, and growing well. I already brag about it on my blog! I don't want to complain about how out of shape I think I am and how my son is derailing my plans of getting beach ready by May.

No, that's not why I joined those groups.

I am making friends so that this turnip head can play with their kids.

So far so good. These ladies are actually very sweet and nice. I somehow enjoy the discussion every week when I meet them. Some have great insights, some just like to rant, and still some are just funny.

And, they all have great babies - some always sleep, some love to play.

There is this little girl who my son hit it off well - they were talking up a storm to each other and both decided to suck on their own hands at the same time which turned it into a hand sucking party. SOOOOOOO fun to watch them.

I hope this little turnip head enjoys it as much as I do because I am doing it all for him.


DearJulie

Nanny search is non-stop

It's very very hard times 100 to find a nanny. And, it's very very super extremely difficult times 100 to find a real good one. Interviewing nannies is getting annoying because once they walk in the door, I already know I do not like them. So I decided just to have phone interview first. Still, 9 out of 10 just didn't sound right over the phone.

Because of the search for a nanny, I got to refresh my world, particularly South America, geography. Apparently Grenada, St. Vincent, and Trinidad are the English-speaking countries as former British colonies. Oh wait a minute, I think they are still British owned. Anyways.

I wrote about the criteria that I am looking for in a nanny before. First and foremost, the person has to be Mandarin-speaking. However, because of the difficulty of even finding one, I lowered the standard a bit, thus I came across all the South American, English-speaking nannies.

Not that I discriminate, but I don't really think they even speak good English, like, worse than the fobby English I speak. I sometimes have a hard time understanding them and I don't think I want my son to speak bad English.

So, I thought, how about a Spanish-speaking nanny? It'd be cool if my son speaks Spanish. We interviewed one and absolutely loved her, and it's no doubt she was experienced and caring and patient based on her reference and just by meeting with her, we know. Of course it didn't work out because good nannies are always taken by others. She didn't feel that she wanted to travel to UES but rather, she wanted to stay in UWS.

I continue looking for Spanish-speaking as well as Mandarin-speaking nannies. Unfortunately either good ones are taken, or we encountered nanny candidates who do not have a residency or citizenship. We believe it's important because I heard stories of nanny stealing babies for their passports. SCARY!

In the beginning I was very hopeful that I will find one very soon. Once I find one, I will have more free time to work, sit on the toilet for however long I want, clean the apartment, go to the gym, and eat a decent meal. But now, things are still on hold. After interviewing so many nannies that I was not sure about, I decided that I rather take my time and find the perfect one.

On the other hand, I was looking for an occasional babysitter to help a couple hours on week days. Then again, the thought of having someone else take care of my baby is just so uncomfortable. Strange, right? I am so eager to have someone's help and I am also not sure if it's a good idea.

I can't let go. I am too attached.

Argh, I am out of my mind. One minute I can't wait to get rid of him and the next, I want everyone to back off.

It's probably the mother's nature, or instinct or defense mechanism. It's the tiger in me that wants to protect (or over-protect) the little kitten. I roar and I am fierce.

Who else can breastfeed him? Who else can change his diaper and make sure his butt is super squeaky clean? Who can console him and help to fall asleep? Who can hold him to sleep in the same position for 3 hrs? Who can play and talk with him non-stop? Who can read Chinese books to him and sing Jay Chou to him? Who can patiently reason with him when he is crying and being unbelievably fussy? Who can make him laugh like the happiest baby on the block?

Who can read all his cues knowing when he is hungry, sleepy, uncomfortable, annoyed, happy, curious, hot, cold, and bored?

The answer is obvious.

What should I do now? I am little by little building a self identify that's called Miles' Mother and regardless how I resist it, it's growing on me, creeping in without making a noise.

I just, still can't give up certain part of me.

Maybe, I should it own up to it. I should just take it all in.

Maybe my son does not need a nanny, he only needs me.

You know, I might feel much better about it if TB is willing to pay me a day rate.


DearJulie

Anyways,

The best present ever

They often time say, "my baby is the best Christmas present that God send me", referring to her baby born on and around Christmas time; "my baby is the best Mother's Day gift anyone could ask for", referring to, well, duh, her baby as a Mother's Day gift. Or anniversary gift, birthday gift, or even any holiday that is made up can be an excuse to say "my baby is the best gift ever".

You know what I am talking about? Like all lovey dovey about having a baby, the only most precious thing in the whole world that could bring her the joy?

I have been waiting for almost a month to build up the emotion and see if it will eventually hit me.

Today is the deadline. Today is my birthday.

And holy sh*t. I do not feel that blueberry is the best birthday present ever. Though I do feel kindda lovey dovey. I am also still waiting for my birthday gifts, other birthday gifts.

This does not mean I don't love him whole heartedly, because I do.

Although he is everything money can't buy, this baby is work, is responsibility, is one of the biggest challenges in my life.  He cries, whines and is annoying sometimes. He takes up all the time I have and consumes all the energy out of me. On the other hand, he makes me a much more patient person than ever before...ah, I can't believe how patient I am (with him) nowadays.

Oh those changes.....I have (slowly) become one of those ladies even though I consciously warn myself not to be, but it's hard. When you see others and their babies, the competitive nature in me is always bringing out the worst of me. Which could justify why I would even consider spending money on a baby seersucker suit, knowing that he is probably only going to wear it once and he probably wouldn't appreciate it as much as I do.

So yeah, I am 35 today. I feel effing awesome. I have the world's most wonderful husband who does not really care about celebrating birthdays; I have the world's cutest son who complained about my boobs this morning and went with his own hand. You must say: what else would you ask for?!

Perhaps not.

Things can't always be perfect. Life is wonderful when knowing how to look at things from different perspectives. So yeah, with all things considered, I am damn happy at this moment. Especially my son is taking a good morning nap.

One thing I will do differently today: I will do whatever I want, whenever I want, even if my son is whining. He does not get to decide what he wants and when he wants it, but I do. For example, if I need to poop and he is hungry and crying, I will poop first before I get to him.


DearJulie

Bottle war

After a whole child-less day on the Great Friday, I feel rejuvenated and once again, alive. What a difference one day can make. I did not feel guilty about not being there with blueberry. Even when he was crying, I totally ignored it and walked away, as he watched me walk away.

I thought I could go shopping and hang out at a nice café to read a book all day. It turned out, there were just so many errands needed to be done when I finally had the free time. In the end, I didn't do anything fun but I was very productive.

Now, I am recharged and ready for more challenges again.

Oh yes, bring it on!

We have been bottle training blueberry for the past 2 weeks with one bottle a day. We needed to do that because he all of a sudden refused the bottles, not just from me, but from anyone. It was his way of protesting TB going to Thailand without us. Muhahahaha!!

After countless nipples and the great advice from some of the wise ladies (you know who you are, so thank you), we sort of figured out what he likes better. He was being a punk at first - rather going to sleep hungry than taking the bottle. Eventually he either gave in or he got used to the bottle again, he finally was able to take it. I kindda worried a bit at first because I hate to know that he was hungry, or he could be hungry. However, my son does not starve himself. He does not cry much but he would certainly wail if he s hungry. Knowing this, I asked myself not to panic. The training must go on.

We thought it'd be a tough tug-of-war with him so TB was prepared to fight him. His approach was to be extremely persistent and patient, well, duh'. However, rather than me leaving the room or the apartment, TB wanted me to stay there and watch while he bottle-fed him and made sure that blueberry knows I was there. In the mean time, he'd say to him, "yes, mommy is here but you don't get the boobs. If you don't learn how to take the bottle, you will never get to suck on mommy's boobs again." Magically he listened and understood. The whole weekend he was eating off the bottle with no issue (and I hope I am not jinxing myself), which made us very proud. And I am also happy to report, he took down a good 4oz bottle from moi on Saturday night!!!

TB continues saying to him, while bottle-feeding him, that if he takes this bottle now, he will get rewarded with mommy's boobs in the next feed. I am telling ya, it really works.

Blueberry keeps setting new records which made us very proud, including sleeping 12 hours straight. Even though that only happened once so far, I'd like to know he has the potential. Honestly I really don't mind getting up in the middle of the night to feed him. For one, I don't want him to be hungry; two, my boobs are too full not to have the release.

Bottom line, the "courtesy day-off" really works. I need more of those please!


DearJulie

Good Friday??? Nooooooo.....

Good Friday??? Nooooo, it's GREAT Friday!

Today is my first "courtesy day-off", a term that I stole from a wise lady. Today, I don't have to breastfeed blueberry, I don't change blueberry's diapers, I don't play with blueberry, I don't hold blueberry, and I don't even have to talk to blueberry if I don't want to.

I have already scheduled myself a couple pampering appointments, nice quiet time walking around outside and shopping (thank goodness the weather is AWESOME), and I don't have to come home for as long as I want to.

But only today.

Nowadays my time is not mine, my boobs are not mine, foods I eat are not for me, water I drink is not for me, and my life is not mine.  Every day I scream inside of myself - I don't want this at all. But looking at this baby in front of me, I know I will never walk away. I can't and I won't. If anything is still mine, he is mine.

This mixed emotion, this battle, goes on every day. One minute I love being a mom, and the next I hate it. I could even hate it with a passion, like I have never hated anything like this before. Then again, I have never loved anything like this before.

See what I am talking about? And can you believe this kind of struggle with myself happens every fucking single day.

I am pissed, frustrated, and sad.

I am pissed that I feel stuck and trapped. I am pissed that I am not one who gets to go to work every day, like, leave the apartment without a baby. I am frustrated that this little monster refuses to take the bottle from me and he takes me for granted. I am sad that even he is with me every day, I feel lonely.

Why is it that the mothers always have the heaviest load of work? Why is it that the mothers always have to stay home? Why is it that the mother's life is completely ruined (Ok, fine, changed) since day one when the baby comes home from the hospital?

I thought I could do it all. I could work and take care of the baby, AND still take care of the husband. I thought I have no problem finding the balance in everything. I thought this mommyhood thing is easy breezy. I thought........

I hate how people tell me it's not easy job but I will feel rewarded in the end. Heck, I don't even think I have what it takes to make it to the end. I hate how those ladies just make it look so easy which gives me a false expectation.

I am my own person. Why do I have to change it once I become a mom? Why do I need to sacrifice anything because I give birth to a baby?

Mother, somehow has become one of my identities that even though I thought I could be certain mom, I can't. A mom is a mom, who just has to suck it up and take it. There is no easy path to this job. It's a full time job itself, with no pay and no benefit. But what about a career that I have always wanted? Like, a real one.

I used to despise all those stay-at-home moms because I didn't understand why they need to give up their career and life for this? Because I thought for them quitting being themselves they are jeopardizing the great revolution of feminism and whoever does that is my enemy. Because I am a feminist. Now I know, it's not true. Their choice should be highly regarded and respected. Being a mom, especially a stay-at-home one is a tough job.

However resentful I am, it won't change the fact that I am a mom, regardless I want to be or not. And my own identity has not been the same since the day I got married. That's also my choice. Of course, I can't take it back and I don't want to take it back. But you know, it's just hard not to be me.

I have to remind myself that I am no longer just me.

So now, I not only need to get used to being someone's wife, but also someone's mother. Sigh. I feel tired just to think about that.

The only person I can take it all out on is TB. He is very good at being a dad. I only wish he could also breastfeed him so that I don't have to. But today, the GREAT Friday, I'll give him a break.


DearJulie

A live or death problem

My blueberry is a breast-fed kid. He gets everything from me and me only. Lucky for him, his mom is quite an adventurist that she would eat anything and everything. Also, knowing that he eats whatever I eat, I particularly love experiment on things to eat just to see how he likes it or dislikes it.

It turned out, he can't do coffee - he will not be able to sleep at night. He also can't really do dairy products and it shows in his poops. However I still eat dairy but control the intake amount. Not that I want him to be sick, I don't want to become lactose-intolerant myself. He does enjoy wine with cold cuts a lot, Oh hell no, I don't pump and dump. This kid also really loves TB's cooking.

His weight gain is normal thus far for a breast-fed kid.

Ironically, my biggest frustration of raising this little monster has also been breastfeeding.

Earlier on, I got mastitis that was so painful that I almost wanted to chop my boob off. It was so painful that I couldn't feed him myself for almost a week. I was so worried about him not getting enough but I couldn't do anything. Finally after 10 days being on anti-biotic, I got better. We went back to regular feeding.

A couple weeks ago, I developed yeast infection that my nipple got super itchy and red and I was also in pain. I could feed him but I was very uncomfortable. He felt my frustration and I didn't think he was nursed well. I had to put some ointment to get rid of the infection and take him to the peds to make sure he didn't have thrush. This ordeal took a while and I accidentally let him suck on the boob that had the ointment on. Gross. He didn't like it at all.

And guest what! This week, I got some kick-ass milk production that the flow was non-stop and I couldn't stop it. It just keeps coming and coming....how I wish I got this much milk in the beginning when he couldn't get any and while I suffered from the clogged duct.

But, this has become a night mare. Too much let-down too fast is an issue? Oh hell yeh. You know how much? The milk was shooting out and it got all over his face. I am not even kidding. Nipples shooting out milk and got all over the boy's face? Oh ew, that sounds like porn. But it's nothing funny at all. Think about how you are put upside down chugging the keg from a tube? That's how he feels right now. He chokes himself all the time. As a result, he refuses the boobies. At first he would try clamping it down to stop the flow. When that's not successful, he would just turn his head away and totally not eat anymore.

I googled it and also asked the lactation consultant. Apparently, this is something both him and I have to adjust to and there is not really any trick to overcome it. I just have to change positions often, burp him often, and take a break often so that he does not choke.

He's never refused boobs like this and his feed time has gone down so much because he rather starve himself, he wouldn't want to choke. I don't blame him. Who would want an unpleasant feeding? And now I worry yet again if he is getting enough.

To make things worse, he does not take the bottle from me at all. Whenever I tried bottle feed him it's like a battle and I always lost. He is even more stubborn than his old man.

What to do? What to do?

I am getting help from my OB, lactation consultant, as well as another experienced mom. Dude, this might really take a couple weeks to solve the problem. God damit, I just want him to eat and enjoy eating.

Just thinking of whether my son is getting enough from me drives me crazy. I have to admit, I have never worried so much about anything. It feels like a life is depending on me and a life is totally depending on me.

Tell me it's not a live or death problem. I'd say yes.


DearJulie

No shaking the baby

What makes being a mom worthwhile is that I get to learn a little bit about my blueberry every day. Though at times, it drives me nuts that I don't know why he is crying and making a fuzz, I never want to shake or drop my baby. Phew...I might have that thought but I DIDN'T DO IT.

No depression whatsoever. It's just me being impatient. But, I am making progress.

He has a lot of fun cues, like he has a poop face, the sound he makes when he is hungry, the sound he makes when he is bored, the sound he makes when he is agreeing with me (Oh yes, he agrees with me), the face he makes when he needs to burp....and so on and on and on.

You know, if having a nanny to raise a kid, I'd never have figured these out. So I am glad I don't have one. Babysitter, on the other hand, might be needed soon.

He smiles at me when I am playing with him; he got excited when he sees TB home to change his diapers. He has a lot of emotions and he is also very vocal. He was definitely flirting with Auntie Melody the other night.

I am doing so much better with "getting things he wants" which I am pretty happy with myself. Blueberry is the Buddha coming to the world to teach me caring for others, being patient, being taken for granted of, and about life in general....though this part, I have not fully figured out, you know, like that unconditional love they always talk about.

However, I know I can only get better at this.

We are so lucky and blessed to have him in our family. We feel so much more devoted to each other and we feel so much in love with each other. He is making our family strong because, it's us three against the world.

Speaking of progress....

Blueberry is hitting all major milestones which makes me proud. However, there are still some that I think he is behind, like he still can't talk to me regardless how I ask him to say "mama" every day. Also, he can't walk and I can't wait to take him out for walks without pushing a carseat around. But, I MUST BE PATIENT!

On the other hand, I alwyas want to capture the moment he is making progress but I always miss. Darn it, my camera shutter is just not fast enough. And, I almost always forget to have a camerca closeby. I so missed the day he turned 1 month, and I missed the day he turned 2 months. I guess there is no bother for 3 months. Or, I just have to wait until he turns 1 year, which is an even greater progress, right?!

I also never did the baby announcement, even though I had the design idea in mind and I talked to my designer. Without a baby announcement, it's like my baby was never born. And of course, you know I am being sarcastic. No, I won't share the idea with you because I might use it for my 2nd baby.

Wow! second baby. Hahahaha....


DearJulie