Burn baby burn

Baby daddy said to blueberry: Mommy is going to the gym now so that she can get sexy again to make a little brother or sister for you!

How I appreciate TB's unconditional support!! He makes sure I have some "me" time so that I can go to the gym and I get to hit the gym almost every day now. Wow!! I couldn't even imagine because 2 months ago, I didn't think I would be able to do so this easily knowing that schedules would be all crazy. He loves babysitting while playing video game or watching any Michigan game. That's actually the only time the TV would be on. No, we won't let blueberry watch TV.

Going to the gym truly me makes me feel alive again. Well, not that my life is bad. I am still trying to adjust to the mommyhood one day at a time so bear with me if I sometimes sound very negative. It might be the reason why I am short, according to baby daddy.

As I am trying to work out all the fat and calories, I am, at the same time, worrying about how to maintain enough calories to produce milk. Good thing is that my son has been gaining weight so whatever I am doing, should be the right thing, though I am not really losing weight. BUMMER! This is some hard work I have to say even though my diet has been very healthy.

Sometimes healthy diet is not how I can produce the most milk. So I let myself eat more, more often, and eat desserts, which rarely happened before if you know me - I am not much of a sweet tooth. Even though I have to work extra hard to get back to the perfect shape and this process might take longer than I expect because of breastfeeding, my first priority now is definitely to feed my son. Hey, don't I sound like a good mom!

Spring is around the corner. I am giving myself more time than I would before to get into shape. I am currently holding out for buying new clothes (and shoes. I think my shoe size is back to before).

Today at the gym I was looking at myself in the mirror as I was doing dead lifts, I saw the resemblance of blueberry and me. This makes me happy. He is really my son!


DearJulie

Women with a stroller

I love pushing blueberry out in a stroller. Actually, I would much prefer to carry him in a sling but it's still cold outside and he is too young to be carried like that....

The true reason that I love pushing him out in a stroller is, I want to be out of the apartment. We have been out almost every day sometimes twice a day, rain or shine. We need to do it twice a day because his window of being out is short - feeding schedule is still every 2-3 hours. But hey, I don't mind getting in and out and repeat as long as I am out.

People were OK nice to me when I was pregnant and huge. And now, however, people are super nice to me when I push a stroller on the street. I mean, I am friendly looking in general and I'd like to smile at people when walking in the neighborhood, so I don't mind them being nice to me. It's nice to have strangers holding the doors for me, stopping the traffic so that I can cross the street safely (and ti was still green light), giving me the best seat in the restaurant, and not cutting in line in front of me.

No wonder women in this neighborhood feel very entitled when then push a stroller. They don't look you in the eyes and they look above your head (does it make sense?). Because they are spoilt by nice people.

Yes, a stroller is one of a woman's best accessories, other than a good-looking husband.

That's exactly why those ladies love pushing the BMW or Mercedez' grade strollers. I only learned these terms when one of the ladies from my mommygroup asked me which stroller I am getting and excitedly showed me hers and wanted me to test-drive it. The suspension and wheels did feel different.

Hm...I don't have a "real" stroller yet. Blueberry is still in the carseat and I push him around with the Graco thingy. But is it really worth it getting a the ultimate driving machine stroller? I have no idea.

Anyways...

It looks like blueberry likes to be outside, just like me. He always sleeps soundly in the careseat. Though I would very much want him to open his eyes and look at the outside world and people. Maybe he knows he is being outside with the surrounding noise, the sometimes nasty street smell, and the sound of traffic and car horns. I wonder if the real world is the same as he imagined, or, he simply just does not care. So far I know for sure he likes meeting new people, just like his mom!

Yeah I know, he's like me in a lot of ways. But you have no idea how much more he is like his daddy and it's almost scary...


DearJulie

Selfless

I am always the first to admit how selfish I am, as a daughter, as a wife, as a friend, and as a person in general. When I was pregnant, I was perhaps the most selfish mom-to-be ever since I worried only for myself, did things only for myself and I am not sure if it's a good idea that my kid might get to read all the previous blog posts in the future, you know, when he can read.

I was almost so certain that I will be a very selfish mom.

Things are changing. Not that I am not selfish anymore. It's more like, with blueberry around, I don't have time to be a bit selfish.

I can't just go to the gym, go running whenever I want.
I can't just go to buy bubble tea whenever I want.
I can't just go hang out with friends whenever I want.
I can't just sleep whenever I want.
I can't have date nights with TB whenever I want.

I can't even eat when it's meal time, like how I want it.

Life is different now. I have a baby to take care of. He is the priority over myself so I now do everything with him, for him, and around him. Believe it or not, I have become the most accommodating person in the world, if you know how demanding a baby is. I know I am not the only one who has a baby but it's my first time having a baby. I have the right to be very proud of myself.

Moms are supposed to be selfless.

It definitely takes a baby to transform someone like me to be a mom, a good one. At least that's the goal I set for myself. I want to be a good mom. Since I am always so good at what I do and I want to do, I am sure it's not too difficult to become a good mom. I also have the best "teacher" by my side to teach me how to become one.

Thanks to blueberry.

Being selfish is for my own happiness. Being a good mom will result in a wonderfully happy baby; I am happy if my blueberry is happy, so being a good mom is also for my own happiness. Not sure if it makes any logical sense, but that's what I think.

Therefore, freedom is overrated. Blueberry owns me now.


DearJulie

No time to blog

It has been 6 weeks that I became a mother to a little monster - he is perfect in every way.  It also has been the longest 6 weeks in my life that it really felt like forever. Is that a good thing or bad the fact that life feels long and endless?

Speaking of life, I have no life (to myself). Everything I do I have to plan around blueberry. I sometimes couldn't poop because I don't have the time to sit on the toilet because whenever I have time, I sleep. Thus no time for blogging. Maybe it's because I am so new to this mommyhood thing that I need to work on my "mommy time management". Seriously, there are a lot of things that I used to do on a daily basis, my usually daily routine, I can't do them anymore. I can't clean the apt, I can't take the trash out, I can't do dishes, I can't even fix myself something to eat while hungry. Well, and whenever I do eat, I feel like I need to swallow everything in the shortest amount of time possible. Food does not taste the same anymore. Eating feels like a chore so that I can produce enough milk to feed blueberry.

All your mommies there would probably think: dude, why are you whining? It's all very normal and you will get used to it.

The problem is, I love myself too much to "get used to it". Sometimes I do feel very resentful that I wish I could make a return but there is no return policy and no one ever returns a baby, right? But I know there should not be hate. I am still full of love for blueberry.

This time I need to suck it up and make changes. What I can do now is to get my life in a new order, new routine. My life is on a 2 hrs segment and that's how I should be planning for.

What a positive thinking!! Very not DearJulie like....it's ok, I will try to get used to it.

On the brighter side (well, there are all bright sides), I started running and resuming my (new) gym routine. Training won't be as easy as before because of the time constrain but I will make it work. TB and I kindda figured out how we can rotate going to the gym and watching blueberry. I definitely feel so much more energy and I feel great about myself. Now, I just have to find time to get mani-pedi, massage and all my grooming sessions.

Still sleep deprived, I am hanging in there.

DearJulie

One month

My little blueberry is not little anymore. He reached full one month today (but his one month "birthday" is  tomorrow). The first full month is so important because "back in the days", when Chinese people were poor and didn't have advanced medicine, and not even clean drinking water or nutritious food, babies hardly survived the first month. That's why they wouldn't make any birth announcement until one month because they didn't want to jinx.

That's also the reason why my mom didn't allow visitors the first month. I had to tell friends "no" when they wanted to come meet my son. Well, you can say that's a tradition, I'd say it's a superstition.

Now I think about it. Maybe it's the best that we didn't have visitors the first month because our apartment has been a mess. No one really had the time to clean and tidy things up. All the free hands and time were dedicated to this little blueberry monster who eats, sleeps, poops, and pees whenever he wants.

Finally, he is one month and he is still healthy and breathing. I guess I did everything right.

In lieu of the birth announcement, here's his newborn photo session for all of you who would like to share our joy and happiness.

But you wouldn't see our frustration and puffy eyes with dark circles. That's OK. We save that for our own amusement.

Note: I had a lot of fun doing the photos but I didn't think Miles liked it that much. He thought I was vain to put him in a polka dots outfit and a ridiculously silly hat. A true manly man can pull off any outfit and polka dots are definitely gender-neutral.

It's still surreal to be a mom. Everyday I am in shock of how crazy it is to have a little person in my household. Somehow I am always searching for my motherly instinct to kick in so that I can feel more natural with caring for a baby. Maybe it is not there? Or is it a skill to be developed and learned?

How do all other moms do it? How are they being so comfortable and at ease with their babies?

I am damn proud of my own creation that's out of question. I catch myself smiling at him and talking to him in a disgustingly soft voice to let him know how much I love him and how he is my "heart liver baby" (心肝寶貝) whom I would do everything for. But does he understand any of it? And will he ever?

Sometimes I don't think he does understand unless he is looking for the boobs. Speaking of which, breastfeeding has been going OK until I got Mastitis last week. It was extremely painful and I was crying all night because of the pain and frustration, and it hurt so much that I passed out. When I woke up again, I was still in pain. I kindda got scarred from breastfeeding and wondered if my blueberry and I are a good match when it comes to nursing. We had to stop for 3 days while I could only pump only a little with the swollen red hot boob that I just wanted to cut off.

Then once the pain passed, I went back to breastfeeding him again because I feel terrible not being able to do so. Would that be considered a motherly instinct?

Sigh, I knew I wouldn't be a good mom, but blueberry got no other choice but me. So I guess I have to learn how to be better.


DearJulie

The ordeal

* After reading this blog entry, you might think that I am a spoilt brat who does not appreciate. But I really only need to vent it all out at once....so bear with me.

"Sit the month" literally means to be confined for a month (30 days), and it's some kind of serious ordeal. Of course, if you are truly old old fashion, you'd probably do it up to 40 days. I can't do that.

I can't tell you how many pork livers and kidneys that I have eaten for the last two weeks because I already lost track of it. Yes, I have only finished two weeks of confinement and there are two more weeks to go. (I think) The liver and kidney diet came to an end and starting this week, it's all chicken soup in sesame oil and ginger.

The above ingredients are the must-have every day. The meals do consist of basic veggies (green, root and whatever), rice and/or noodles (fine skinny noodles with, you guessed it, in sesame oil and ginger), eggs, some kind of soy stuff, fish (in soup), spare ribs (in soup), pork shank/feet (in soup). There are also two snacks/dessert a day with different kinds of sweet soup: white wood ears with lotus seed, peanut and yam soup, taro and yam soup, red bean and barley soup, corn meal with dry plum, black sesame sweet soup to name a few. Of course, menus change daily, not the basic the ingredients of ginger, sesame oil, ginseng, goji berry, and some other herbal stuff I couldn't name coz I don't know what they are. To be brutally honest I am so very sick of eating them. They don't taste bad, I just have had too much.

TB is a sport. He eats with me because the portion is pretty big. My mom said it's big because "back in the days" the husbands have to be fed too. "They can't cook in the kitchen you know", said my mom. Why? Because they are male? What a bullshit. There are a lot of things my mom said.

A lot of the food is to help post-partum recovery and to help gain the energy back. With c-section, there will be another set of special food you eat, but I am lucky I don't have to eat those things to "heal the wound". My issue at first was the milk production, so my mom made me eat Young Papaya Spare Rib soup and Peanut and pork shank/feet soup (the ones with a thick layer of pork skin on them. I actually like it.). I am not sure if they really worked or it was about time for my milk to come in. After 2-3 days eating them, my milk came in, a lot of it.

There are also things to eat to get rid of the extra blood in the uterus, mom called it the "the dirty dew", and to drink a kind of black bitter herbal soup called "shen hua tung", which is an herbal anti-inflammatory; there are things to eat to prevent hair loss, called "he sho wu" that's cooked in soup.

I don't want to jinx myself and I don't want to doubt that those things/methods don't work. So far, my blood loss has been going with a good pace and no cramps at all and I don't notice any hair loss.

Granted, I still take my prenatal vitamin and D and DHA. So hopefully they are working in my system too. Wham Bam - I bet they didn't have these kinds of vitamins back in the days!

A great thing about the confinement meals, and the only thing, is that I have lost a lot of excess water and shed a lot of weight to fit into my old clothes, including jeans and those extra small jeggins, though not quite back to before the pregnancy state, it's a matter of a stricter diet and workout which will start after the first month. Simple reason for the weight loss - all the foods are not flavored, meaning no salt and very minimal oil, other than the sesame oils for its healing and nutritious purpose. The food has enough calories to make up for breastfeeding.

We will see what the coming two weeks have in store for me, food wise.

I did, however, ask TB to cook steak for me for dinner tonight since I feel that I need extra more protein and energy that I have now - you know, the lack of sleep and constantly being paranoid about what happens to blueberry. How funny I ask to eat beef and I didn't even touch beef before I met TB...And I bet they didn't have steak dinners once a while back in the days.

Mom said, back in the days....

I know I am a very lucky person to have mom here help me for the first mom. I flew her here mainly because I didn't want her to miss the opportunity of bonding with my son and I know she'd appreciate it. However, because me and mom have such a close relationship, we also butt-head a lot, like a lot. She does things for me and the baby and I know she means well. But sometimes, her methods drive me crazy. The whole traditional confinement is her idea (well maybe I did want it too) and she insists that I follow the old school practice, or "Don't let me say I told you so when you have all sorts of physical problems when older", she threatened me.

She knows that it's hard to convince me to do things, I am the most rebellious daughter she ever had, well, and I am the only daughter she has, so she'd always start her sentence with "back in the days" to show the credibility of anything she says so that I'd listen. There are things I do and can't do based on what she says. Let me make a list:

No leaving the apartment

She said that because after giving birth, all the pores on my body are wide open. Therefore I can't go out because "the air is cold". I can't let cold air coming into my body since it will cause issues with bones and muscles pain, as well as headache. However, doctor's appointments are exceptions because she didn't know how to respond to this since "women back in the days didn't have doc's appointments"...

Lying down flat and not move as much as possible, if not 24/7

She said I should be lying down 24/7. But the fact that I have to breastfeed, this is impossible. So she lets me breastfeed. Oh yes, she would have advise against it. She reminds me to "go lie down" whenever she sees me walking around. Her argument is that my organs have been rearranged before and after delivery so lying flat on the bed will help them go back to their original place. Well, I use belly bandit for that same reason.

No watching TV/computer; no reading for that matter

She said that my eyes are also the weakest after delivery. Any activity that requires using my eyes is prohibited. But back in the days, who had TV/computer?

No shower and no washing hair for the first month

She said no shower and no washing hair for the same reason that the pores on my body are open so any cold air that goes in will affect my internal organs, bones and muscles. Well, back in the days they didn't have central air/heat, hot water or blowdryers, duh!!

No lifting, including holding the baby

She said lifting is not allowed, not even holding the baby because a post-partum body just could not take that kind of extra weight on. But, but, really?

No touching or drinking cold water

She originally said drinking (tap) water is not even allowed, I have to drink hot soup and boiled water. So not drinking and touching (washing hands) in cold water also because of all the pores on body are open. She didn't even let me wash dishes. Hey, I'll take that.

No drinking tap water. All drinking water has to be boiled first

She was going to buy cases of rice wine to distill them into water for me to drink. I was like, huh?! What the heck is that? She said that's the only water I could drink. She was in disbelief when we drink water out of the tap. Luckily I have a water boiler. She finally said OK to drink water from the water boiler. Alcohol distilled water?

 List can go on but these are some of the ridiculous ones.

She would make certain things for me to eat and tell me, "you have to eat it" without explaining to me why. And sometimes when I looked up, there are doctors (yes, Chinese ones) who would advise against it for some legit and/or scientific reasons. When I told her that, she would get offended and said "I used to eat these and I am fine. And you just have to eat it because every woman eats it." She is so wrong about every woman but then again, if you understand Chinese language, you'd understand the way she says it is only to express how common the practice is, I get that. But, they are wrong too. Since I don't live in "back in the days", I refuse to follow the rules to the core and 100%. She got pissed. In the end we had to negotiate a lot of terms and conditions.

Whenever I ask for a reason why she asks me to do certain things, she'd say "I don't know the reason or theory but it's part of the ancient Chinese wisdom that has been passed down." How convincing is that! She would also add "it's not just for your own good, it's for your baby too." Well, if she goes there, what else can I say.

By the way, there are things I can't do to baby either: baby can't go out in public, well, duh; baby can't have visitors other than close family members before one month is up; baby can't play with mirrors (it was a toy thing that came with the play mat); and we can't say good things about the baby in front of the baby....

Well, well, this is the kind of confinement I am doing. I hate it, as much and more than I hate being pregnant. However, I do know she means well and she only wants what's the best for me.

Sigh, mom is the unbearable lightness in my life. She lives in a world that's so different from mine and I just can't change her mind about a lot things. She gets frustrated not being able to make me see what she sees and I share that frustration too. In the end, I still love her and respect her.

Because of her constant reminders, I actually get to sleep a lot during the day while she helps taking care of blueberry. Blueberry loves it when grandma holds him. The rest is definitely much needed to get me through all the long night parties.

I can't wait when blueberry is one month old.


DearJulie

Unfit mother

I am an unfit mother "oh shock face"!

I slept through blueberry's cries a couple times at night and didn't even know how long he has been crying until I finally woke up to check him. That might also be the reason why I thought he sleeps longer than he actually does. So he sometimes starves at night because of me.

I went to get a pedicure/manicure and came home to a wailing baby. He was starving because the walking milk factory went missing. He starves because of me.

Seriously! What kind of mother am I who even dares not to hover around her baby 24/7 just to make sure he is being carefully taken care of?!

My own mother seems to think that I am unfit to be a mom. She scolded me for that and I was so pissed, well at myself, of course. I felt so bad and so guilty.

Oh yes, it's like I committed some kind of crime.

TB made me feel better by saying that blueberry is a boy and needs to be toughened up a bit. Maybe? But he is after all a newborn. A good mother should really be around each step of the way to watch him and to accompany him.

Sigh....


DearJulie