Advance planning for the arrival day

No matter how nervous I am, this day is going to come soon, not that soon, I still have several weeks to go. I don't know if I have enough clothing items or diapers for blueberry. I do want to make sure I am being taken care of first!

That's probably why the very first piece of furniture in the nursery was my glider. I am also getting stuff such as cute nursing bras, lounge wear, care items for breast feeding and my pump. All of the money we spent to prepare for the newborn, we probably spent the most on me. Heck yeh!

In order to prep myself for the hospital, I made a list of things to do before the due date. They are high on my list because they are all very important things, to me.

-  Get a manicure/pedicure
-  Get eyebrows waxed
-  Get the lawn mowed
-  Get a haircut (this is a maybe for now)
-  Pick out comfy yet nice going home outfit for me

I want to make sure I look good going into the hospital and I look even better leaving the hospital. I am so vain.

Maybe blueberry is already rolling his eyes in my belly knowing that my priority is still myself.

If I don't take care of myself first, how am I going to take care of him? If I don't love me the most first, how am I going to love him?!

So judge me, judge away!

I found peace with my deformed body already. I already have a plan of getting my body back post-partum. Having a plan is actually a good way to prevent the potential post-partum depression.


DearJulie

I am just babbling now

Childbirth classes, checked. We are now the experts of pooping babies.....NOT!

I can't say I am not excited and at the same time, I also don't want to admit that I am super confident I can do this. Mixed feelings exactly! The instructor gave us a stack of handouts. Not a lot, but enough for me to review whenever possible. TB likes practicing the "he, he, who" breathing with me - he thinks it's funny when I do it. Maybe he needs "he, he, who" more than I do.

The big belly gets in the way in everything nowadays, even sex. This is frustrating me a lot. I feel bad for fat people and I swear I will never want to be fat. The 3rd trimester is hard not because of the hormones, but because of the extra weight on the body that makes me hard to breathe, hard to sit, hard to walk, and hard to cycle. It does not help when there are staircases in our apartment that I have to go up and down every day. Guess that's a workout itself.

Still, going to the gym makes me feel normal.

TB made me look at myself with the bare belly in the mirror. Good Lord am I huge. The side view is definitely different than the top view where I can see the belly. The belly is sticking out A LOT. This makes me wonder: how is blueberry sitting or crunching or floating in the uterus?! Does he have enough space to twist and turn? How is he able to do all those tricks he's been pulling that can be annoying?

We'll soon find out in the next doctor's appointment where we will see him again.

I am still doing a lot of work considered how my mom has ordered me to lie in bed all day. Blueberry does not like it a lot because when I am in the sitting position, I tend to press him. And if he is heads down now, oh yeah, he is being pressed. If he comes out with funny head shape, blame me.

I have been going back and forth of the shoe shop in the neighborhood, not to buy new shoes, but to stretch out my old ones. How nice that they offer the service. We'll see if I could stretch out the 8s into 9s. Oh boy do I need it.

My mom also ordered me to eat red beans and mun beans (green beans?). Red beans to provide energy and iron; green beans to get rid of excess water. One thing I am excited about for the post-labor is definitely the confinement meals I ordered. The menu looks good and I am really happy to know that someone will be cooking for me for the whole 30 days - that's probably one good thing about being a Chinese woman because the post-partum importance in our culture.

You know, if you are white, or non-Chinese, you should do the same. I am all for taking care of the body before and after labor and delivery. There are theories, even though they might not have been backed by science, that you just can not take it lightly.


#babblingpregnantwoman
DearJulie

---
Workout of the day (with low intensity)
Treadmill: 30 minutes
Lats:3x10
Triceps: 3x10
Deadlifts: 3x10
Squats: 3x10
---

Overwhelmingly underprepared

So, I am in my 33 weeks. So far, I got no baby name decided, an empty nursery, no baby clothes, no stroller+car seat, no birth plan, no idea where the labor and delivery room is, and I don't have a due-date bag packed up yet.

Boy am I prepared!

I am definitely freaking out inside. The more I list on the to-dos, the more I feel so reluctant to do them. When people ask me if I am excited about the baby, I'd say no. And people are generally shocked and not prepared for an answer like that. Dude, why do I have to show you how excited I am especially when I am really not all that excited?

Am I still in denial? Maybe. I think TB is in the same state of mind because he would usually push me to finish what I have to do and nag at me until I do so. In this case, he is just as nonchalant as could be. He is not nervous about not finishing things in time; he is not nervous about missing things for the baby; he is just there, playing video game as if this is really not a big deal.

I guess it is really not a big deal and maybe I am making it a bigger deal than it should be. Maybe I should just chilax.

The little person inside of my body keeps reminding me that there is someone there. I don't sleep well mainly because he does not sleep when I do. He is moving and kicking around all the frigging time and I can't make him stop. Why can't I discipline my own child?

I might have some mental challenge to overcome first.

We tried going to Buy Buy Baby over the weekend. As I walked in, I started feeling dizzy and having a hard time to breathe. My head started to hurt and my heart started racing. I didn't know which aisle to go to and forgot what I was there to look for.

We went to the crib section. I don't think they had more than 15 different styles/bands. I just didn't know what to look for. We kindda felt how firm each mattress is and then looked at each other and shrugged. We then walked passed the stroller and car seat section. There were a lot of other parents there and I didn't even want to go fight the crowd. TB picked up a couple car seat just to get a feel. And then we left.

The mere 20 minutes we spent in Buy Buy Baby was how long I lasted. I knew I could not last any more minute longer than that. I do not like that store, it suffocated me.

Today, I went into another baby store and saw all different clothing options. I just froze. I was browsing alright but I didn't even bother picking anything up to take a closer look. Maybe I was hoping something more, or something less.

Baby stuff did not make me go awwww; baby stuff gives me tremendous headaches.

#notfittobeamom
DearJulie

---
workout of the day:
dumbell curl: 3x10
lateral raise: 3x10
shoulder press: 3x10
lats: 3x10
elliptical: 20 minutes
a lot of strech!
---

Feeling useless

I am so frigging annoyed and frustrated with myself.

I am tired and exhausted every fucking day; I am not sick but the nasal congestion is making me sound like I am. I have a hard time breathing and even harder time staying awake. The belly is so big that I feel like I could lose my balance any time.

I barely have energy to do house chorse and now my place is a mess, it's dustry everywhere. I don't cook so it makes me a lousy wife too. I don't like sitting in front of the computer for too long anymore so I can't do work and a lot of the clients and vendors meetings have to be rescheduled. Forget about responsibilities, I am throwing all that away.

What is wrong with me? Where did my energy go? And how long is it going to last?

I feel ugly when I don't work out and I have not gone to the gym in a week. I just couldn't seem to get excited about working out even though it is what I love to do. It is what blueberry loves to do with me.

I thought by now, I would have already become one of those ladies who is full of joy awaiting the arrival of the little one; who talks about the little one with that cheerful voice and a smiley face that  frigging glows the "mother nature"; who stares at the belly and rubs it and talks to the baby with so much hope and excitement; who walks on the street feeling so entitled because she is a mom-to-be "biatch"; and who looks herself in the mirror feeling so beautifully big.

How do I not have those?

Even though I am lucky that I don't have back pain or any other pain, I feel like I am in pain. It feels like a torture. Why am I being punished like this?

I wanna cry but I can't. Because no matter how much water or fluid I consume, I just don't seem to be hydrated enough.

I can't relax but I have to practice the breathing method that's supposed to relax me. And the thought of contraction and water break and all that will come scare the f out of me.

Are those ladies not scared at all or they just don't talk about it? Why don't people talk about what they fear like what I am doing now? By not talking about it, they give the rest of us (ok, maybe just me) a false sense of the pregnancy reality - not everything is glorious and pretty, you know. Heck, not even the books would say anything that's gross and some what close to reality.

I am really upset and emotional right now. Fuck it. Chinese take-out for dinner with lots of MSG and I DON'T CARE!


#friggingstupidpregnancy
DearJulie

Maternity Photo Session

Have you seen those maternity photos where those ladies go into a studio and pose in front of the dark color (or light color) backdrop with nothing on their body but a piece of cloth or sash? If not, please google "bad maternity photos" or "really bad maternity photos".  The "artistic approach" is to strategically wrap that piece of cloth on the pregnant bodies and create a pee-a-boo effect. Studio shots are cheesy. Posing is cheesy. With those studio photos, everyone looks and poses the same. Lame. I can go on and on about those realllly bad maternity photos but let me stop here.

I don't do cheesy.

So, for the maternity photo session, I decided to do it at home and had Chellise over to take the photos.

Good Lord am I huge! In some photos I looked even bigger than TB. But, I had fun doing the photos - when will I ever be this fat and big?! Gotta take advantage of this once in a life time opportunity. In these photos, I loved the interaction TB and I had and I loved the shots of blueberry and me in his still yet empty nursery. I was 30 weeks pregnant when photos were taken.

Here, let me share some of my favorites:

Oh crap! 32 weeks.

I broke the big 3-0! It still feels surreal even I am already 32 weeks. I started feeling the weight on my body and all the crappy things all came back and more.

Short of breath, stuffy nose, sore throat and stupid coughs, as well as a frequently full bladder - I pee every frigging 10 minutes. The fetal movement is also no joke. Even though it's nice to know that baby is kicking and moving fine in the belly, it's making me very uncomfortable and sometimes annoying.

Hell yeah I am complaining. I don't blame those ladies who want to induce early with this big load on the body. It's not easy.

Even though I complain, I have to say I am lucky that I don't have swollen feet, or back issue. I am still able to work out - lifting weights, cycling, and cardio sculpt, though it's not easy to do jump much. Sometimes I tell blueberry that he is a good boy because I don't have constipation, no skin issue, no heartburn, and so on, which are all his doing.

We are also catching up on setting the nursery. There are so many things we need to order, assemble, and organize. My mom is coming to "sit the month" for me so I need to get mentally prepared to get through the month when she is around to order me do things I don't particularly want to do.

TB looks like he is prepared - maybe he is born to be prepared. I think he is going to be a good dad. If I ever dropped the baby, he would the one there to catch him. hahaha.

I also just heard from my lovely neighbor that I am going to bleed a lot, and maybe for a whole week after the birth. God Damit! How come no one told me that? I looked it up - so apparently all the 40%-50% blood increase in my body now will be the amount I am losing during birth. WHAT THE HECK! Maybe on a brighter side, that's 40%-50% weight that I will lose too.

I am scared and not sure how to prepare myself.


DearJulie