Feeling useless

I am so frigging annoyed and frustrated with myself.

I am tired and exhausted every fucking day; I am not sick but the nasal congestion is making me sound like I am. I have a hard time breathing and even harder time staying awake. The belly is so big that I feel like I could lose my balance any time.

I barely have energy to do house chorse and now my place is a mess, it's dustry everywhere. I don't cook so it makes me a lousy wife too. I don't like sitting in front of the computer for too long anymore so I can't do work and a lot of the clients and vendors meetings have to be rescheduled. Forget about responsibilities, I am throwing all that away.

What is wrong with me? Where did my energy go? And how long is it going to last?

I feel ugly when I don't work out and I have not gone to the gym in a week. I just couldn't seem to get excited about working out even though it is what I love to do. It is what blueberry loves to do with me.

I thought by now, I would have already become one of those ladies who is full of joy awaiting the arrival of the little one; who talks about the little one with that cheerful voice and a smiley face that  frigging glows the "mother nature"; who stares at the belly and rubs it and talks to the baby with so much hope and excitement; who walks on the street feeling so entitled because she is a mom-to-be "biatch"; and who looks herself in the mirror feeling so beautifully big.

How do I not have those?

Even though I am lucky that I don't have back pain or any other pain, I feel like I am in pain. It feels like a torture. Why am I being punished like this?

I wanna cry but I can't. Because no matter how much water or fluid I consume, I just don't seem to be hydrated enough.

I can't relax but I have to practice the breathing method that's supposed to relax me. And the thought of contraction and water break and all that will come scare the f out of me.

Are those ladies not scared at all or they just don't talk about it? Why don't people talk about what they fear like what I am doing now? By not talking about it, they give the rest of us (ok, maybe just me) a false sense of the pregnancy reality - not everything is glorious and pretty, you know. Heck, not even the books would say anything that's gross and some what close to reality.

I am really upset and emotional right now. Fuck it. Chinese take-out for dinner with lots of MSG and I DON'T CARE!


#friggingstupidpregnancy
DearJulie