Overwhelmingly underprepared

So, I am in my 33 weeks. So far, I got no baby name decided, an empty nursery, no baby clothes, no stroller+car seat, no birth plan, no idea where the labor and delivery room is, and I don't have a due-date bag packed up yet.

Boy am I prepared!

I am definitely freaking out inside. The more I list on the to-dos, the more I feel so reluctant to do them. When people ask me if I am excited about the baby, I'd say no. And people are generally shocked and not prepared for an answer like that. Dude, why do I have to show you how excited I am especially when I am really not all that excited?

Am I still in denial? Maybe. I think TB is in the same state of mind because he would usually push me to finish what I have to do and nag at me until I do so. In this case, he is just as nonchalant as could be. He is not nervous about not finishing things in time; he is not nervous about missing things for the baby; he is just there, playing video game as if this is really not a big deal.

I guess it is really not a big deal and maybe I am making it a bigger deal than it should be. Maybe I should just chilax.

The little person inside of my body keeps reminding me that there is someone there. I don't sleep well mainly because he does not sleep when I do. He is moving and kicking around all the frigging time and I can't make him stop. Why can't I discipline my own child?

I might have some mental challenge to overcome first.

We tried going to Buy Buy Baby over the weekend. As I walked in, I started feeling dizzy and having a hard time to breathe. My head started to hurt and my heart started racing. I didn't know which aisle to go to and forgot what I was there to look for.

We went to the crib section. I don't think they had more than 15 different styles/bands. I just didn't know what to look for. We kindda felt how firm each mattress is and then looked at each other and shrugged. We then walked passed the stroller and car seat section. There were a lot of other parents there and I didn't even want to go fight the crowd. TB picked up a couple car seat just to get a feel. And then we left.

The mere 20 minutes we spent in Buy Buy Baby was how long I lasted. I knew I could not last any more minute longer than that. I do not like that store, it suffocated me.

Today, I went into another baby store and saw all different clothing options. I just froze. I was browsing alright but I didn't even bother picking anything up to take a closer look. Maybe I was hoping something more, or something less.

Baby stuff did not make me go awwww; baby stuff gives me tremendous headaches.

#notfittobeamom
DearJulie

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workout of the day:
dumbell curl: 3x10
lateral raise: 3x10
shoulder press: 3x10
lats: 3x10
elliptical: 20 minutes
a lot of strech!
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