Good Friday??? Nooooooo.....

Good Friday??? Nooooo, it's GREAT Friday!

Today is my first "courtesy day-off", a term that I stole from a wise lady. Today, I don't have to breastfeed blueberry, I don't change blueberry's diapers, I don't play with blueberry, I don't hold blueberry, and I don't even have to talk to blueberry if I don't want to.

I have already scheduled myself a couple pampering appointments, nice quiet time walking around outside and shopping (thank goodness the weather is AWESOME), and I don't have to come home for as long as I want to.

But only today.

Nowadays my time is not mine, my boobs are not mine, foods I eat are not for me, water I drink is not for me, and my life is not mine.  Every day I scream inside of myself - I don't want this at all. But looking at this baby in front of me, I know I will never walk away. I can't and I won't. If anything is still mine, he is mine.

This mixed emotion, this battle, goes on every day. One minute I love being a mom, and the next I hate it. I could even hate it with a passion, like I have never hated anything like this before. Then again, I have never loved anything like this before.

See what I am talking about? And can you believe this kind of struggle with myself happens every fucking single day.

I am pissed, frustrated, and sad.

I am pissed that I feel stuck and trapped. I am pissed that I am not one who gets to go to work every day, like, leave the apartment without a baby. I am frustrated that this little monster refuses to take the bottle from me and he takes me for granted. I am sad that even he is with me every day, I feel lonely.

Why is it that the mothers always have the heaviest load of work? Why is it that the mothers always have to stay home? Why is it that the mother's life is completely ruined (Ok, fine, changed) since day one when the baby comes home from the hospital?

I thought I could do it all. I could work and take care of the baby, AND still take care of the husband. I thought I have no problem finding the balance in everything. I thought this mommyhood thing is easy breezy. I thought........

I hate how people tell me it's not easy job but I will feel rewarded in the end. Heck, I don't even think I have what it takes to make it to the end. I hate how those ladies just make it look so easy which gives me a false expectation.

I am my own person. Why do I have to change it once I become a mom? Why do I need to sacrifice anything because I give birth to a baby?

Mother, somehow has become one of my identities that even though I thought I could be certain mom, I can't. A mom is a mom, who just has to suck it up and take it. There is no easy path to this job. It's a full time job itself, with no pay and no benefit. But what about a career that I have always wanted? Like, a real one.

I used to despise all those stay-at-home moms because I didn't understand why they need to give up their career and life for this? Because I thought for them quitting being themselves they are jeopardizing the great revolution of feminism and whoever does that is my enemy. Because I am a feminist. Now I know, it's not true. Their choice should be highly regarded and respected. Being a mom, especially a stay-at-home one is a tough job.

However resentful I am, it won't change the fact that I am a mom, regardless I want to be or not. And my own identity has not been the same since the day I got married. That's also my choice. Of course, I can't take it back and I don't want to take it back. But you know, it's just hard not to be me.

I have to remind myself that I am no longer just me.

So now, I not only need to get used to being someone's wife, but also someone's mother. Sigh. I feel tired just to think about that.

The only person I can take it all out on is TB. He is very good at being a dad. I only wish he could also breastfeed him so that I don't have to. But today, the GREAT Friday, I'll give him a break.


DearJulie