Mixed Emotions

Now that the world know I am having a baby. I enjoy so much reading all different reactions. The ones I love in particular were "Julie? Pregnant? Holy shit!", "OMG. NO WAY!", and "hahahah, your life will be turned upside down from now on."

Exactly how I reacted to my own news.

To be honest, I still say to TB almost every week, if not every other day, that "I can't believe I am married!".  Because I used to think, to have it all, I never needed a man. DearJulie thinks men are toys, accessories, something that she can always put on the side and pick it up whenever she likes. Being married should not even be on her list.

But I fell in love, and I would do anything for the man I love. So, I married him. And the best part is, I have it all.

TB is now my most used toy, best accessory, and I put him in front of everything and everyone. He is (almost) the center of my world, besides myself. Hmmm, there is really nothing wrong with loving myself this much. If I don't love myself enough, how else would I get to love others?!

If getting married was never anywhere close to be on the to-do list, let alone having a baby. Most people take it for granted that once you are married, the next step is to get pregnant. And because most people think that, and because so many people asked me "When are you going to have a baby"? I just didn't want to have one. Why? I just don't want to do whatever people expect me to do.

We waited, or I just purposely prolonged having to think about it. Thanks to all the good protection, there was never an accident. Whenever I heard about so and so getting pregnant, I was always secretly happy that it wasn't me and that I would not even want to have that life ever.

So why now?

Simple, I am not getting younger, neither are my eggs. Even though a good number of medical research publicated have shown the result of males' age and health play even bigger part of not being able to conceive.

Being in Manhattan, you see too many couples who desperately want babies but couldn't. They have issues to conceive because of the age and/or other physical health condition. Stories about couples trying for so long and couldn't have kids and have to rely on the fertility drugs or other reproduction methods but fail eventually, just make me think very hard about having kids or not over and over again. I thought about freezing my eggs, having a surrogate or even adopting, but TB was against all the above. That means, I have to do it myself, all that natural and dirty stuff.

So from marrying him to having a baby with him, I came a long way. It's all because I love him. Oh love, what a powerful word.

I am scared. I have not yet convinced myself that I can do this. But when walking on the street in the city and seeing all other pregnant women, I'd always say to myself, "If she can do it, I can do it"! You know, just to give myself some motivation and push. (Though this method didn't really work when I said to myself "So and so who is so out of shape can run a marathon, so can I", and I still have not yet done one.)

"What should I do?" is always the question on my mind (more of a rhetorical one though).

That's also when TB reminds me of my own wedding vow, "it's you and me against the world", and together, TB and I will figure it out.


#notamommaterial
DearJulie


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Workout of the day: major stretch
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