Approaching the light at the end of the tunnel. But I don't see the light.

I was told by almost everyone I encountered, from doctor to random strangers at the bagel shop, that "baby will come any time now" at least since 3 weeks ago. And I am still hanging out here. This little guy is just chilling and getting comfortable in the belly. Well, I am very and super OK with it because it's a very Lam thing to do - we care shit about what other people think we should do. The influence starts in the womb. Muahahahaha.

The thing is, I am not even due and at doctor's appointment today, she started using the word "induce", which turned me off a lot. My doctor is actually on vacation so today I saw the other doctor in the same practice, who is, hm, Chinese, with a poor bedside manner. Not that I have problem with her but just things she said and the way she said it kindda stressed me out. For one, she asked me to take my pants off while the nurse still in the room and the doctor didn't even leave the room for me to take my pants off.

As if I am not already stressed, another thing she said was "Oh, it might be a big baby, I think at least 8 lbs". Doctor was like "I can feel the baby and your belly is all baby, nothing else. I really think it's going to be 8 lbs. It might be hard for you to push."

How encouraging was she!

Just so you know, an 8 pounder is huge for the kind of built I am. My vajayjay might not even be able to stretch like that and I might need a cut, and the cut might not be stitched back well, and I might end up leaking for the rest of my life. I am fucked!

Great. I might be not only induced, but also cut open. I knew the birth plan would jinx myself.

I AM NOT SURE IF I CAN HANDLE A BIG BABY. Heck, I don't want an obese baby. Obesity is the whole problem of the health care system and knowing that I might be contributing to the cause of the problem, this is crushing me. Arghhhh....

Well, and about my progress....so far none. I know I am so close but the light at the end of the tunnel is not in sight just yet. Like I said, The Lams always has our own pace with things so I am not too concerned. As long as blueberry is a healthy baby, I will be happy. Though, I do wish things could be more predictable so that I can make plans, like dinner plans and hot dates with baby daddy. God knows when I will be able to do that freely.



DearJulie

I want my body back

The post-partum care is so important that it will determine whether or not your body will recover to the prime as it was before the pregnancy. That's why I believe in the confinement practice and I swear by it even though I have not done it yet.

Of course, the food consumption should be regulated. The resting is the most important part of the practice.

Other than that, I have been looking into ways to get my body back. Like, massage techniques that will trim down the size of the current thighs, hips and waist. It's all about the ancient wisdom of the trigger points. For example, the outside of the thighs, and the inner part of the thigh stretch from the knee and up. 50 times of hitting the right trigger points a day for 3 months will guarantee the size reduction.

There is also the belly bandit. My mom is bringing ones from TW that seem to be working on some celebrity moms. I will use that first before I buy the ones sold here in the US. Regardless, the pressure and constrain theory should "theoretically" work to push the organs back in place, as well as mold the fat out of me so that I can gain my waistline back.

I need to find a massage therapist who knows how to focus solely on weight lost. They have that everywhere in TW, so I am pretty sure I could find something like that here.

How about acupuncture? Currently I am still reading up materials about losing weight via acupuncture. Once I am confident enough and am able to find someone to do it, I'd definitely adopt the method.

After the month of confinement, that's when I will start the old school of weight training, cardio workout, as well as low fat/low carbs/low sodium diets. I can't start early because my mom wouldn't allow gym. Bleh.

I am going to be so hard on myself like there is no tomorrow because I desperately want my body back. So if you have any great method, please share. I am willing to try anything.



DearJulie

Due-date bag should be cute

Unfortunately I don't have a cute due-date bag. Something like a monogrammed tote, or like s stylish weekender would be nice. TB did not let me spend the money. I don't even have a diaper bag, yet. Guess I do have plenty of time to shop around. Granted the functionality is important but I do not want to compromise on the style and look.

Baby won't be that cute right after he's born so at least I have to look cute and wear cute stuff.

Waiting and anticipating are not easy, especially with L&D. There are signs to look out for and I keep feeling and thinking I see the signs. But then, they are not very clear or obvious. I don't have any reference point so it's really hard to say "it's time". I am sure baby will let me know in his way. There have been a lot of babies born these couple weeks and I wanted to find out all other ladies' experience. However, I also don't want to mess up my own head thinking and worrying too much. No one has the same experience that's for sure. I can only prepare myself enough.

In terms of preparation......

I am groomed and cleaned, and I am going to get a mani/pedi tomorrow (or maybe later today). No time for a hair cut since I am too lazy to go down to Chinatown. Maybe I will just clip my hair up or wear a pony tail. Or I can go to the salon a block up from me to get a blow-out. Make-up is a must. If not, at least I will gloss and blush up (actually eye liner usually makes the look too). TB talked me out of the idea of wearing contacts so glasses it is. My going home outfit is comfy not fancy, which I can live with. Baby's going home outfit is also comfy with layers that I don't even know if he will need. I might put him in the Ralf Lauren outfit that we got from Sarah, cute socks from Enzo's mama, and the hat and mitten I got from sales.

Or maybe I should swaddle him in layers of blankets?! This is very confusing.

TB figured out the car seat so we are ready to go. He also needs to test out the baby monitor, pack a bag for himself, and clean up.

I washed almost all the clothes, sheets, blankets that blueberry needs to wear right away. Nursery is set and cleaned but might need a low bookshelf and a side table. I sat on the daybed in the nursery yesterday staring at the empty crib. Can't quite grasp the reality of a real baby is going to be sleeping in the crib very soon. Like, a real life baby who cries, poops, sucks my boobs and sleeps. Oh my freaking God.

I got a phone list for all the numbers we need to call at the hospital. That includes the confinement meal lady and the Chinese car service for my mom (oh my god! my mom is coming here). Other than that, all other important numbers are saved in our phones anyway. Hopefully I didn't miss anything.

TB said to me "you are going to be a great mom". And I forgot if he said it before we fell asleep or after we just woke up. That puts me in a lot of pressure. I wasn't sure how to respond because I really haven't thought much about it. However, I do think he is going to be a great dad because, well, he is paranoid and extra careful all the time. Like I said, I might be the one who'd drop the baby and he will be there to catch him.


Does it sound like we are ready?


DearJulie

Advice

With all the baby and pregnancy advice I got, an interesting one is when people told me: remember, not to ignore your husband and make sure he knows he is playing an important role as a father.

This is interesting because I never in a million years would even worry about that, and the fact that people have to "warn" me about the potentially likelihood that it might happen, is kindda, um, funny!

So apparently some ladies did ignore their significant others after the baby came. But why? And, how?

Maybe because their marriage or relationship had been having issues and baby is the last straw that just pushed things to the extreme. This morning I actually saw someone asking for a therapist recommendation for couples who have kids under the age of 5 on my mommy's group listserv. Really? Seriously? Things could get that bad? But I am Chinese, I don't believe in therapy. So if that ever happened, I'd deal with it.

My baby daddy is awesome and he is everywhere. He wants to be involved in the process more than I thought he would, by nagging at me about taking the vitamins, be careful with food I eat, and be cautious when walking on the streets with a big belly; he did almost all the heavy lifting, literally, and I pretty much just sit back and enjoy the ride, after I constantly had to remind him to put together all the furniture and buy the car seat and blah blah; and even though he is not willing to "catch" the baby at the delivery and he is too terrified to cut the umbilical cord, he is still very much involved. The thing is, our apartment is too small for me to even ignore him :) In fact, he probably knows more about pregnancy than I do. He was also the one taking notes at the childbirth class.

I honestly did not know what I would do without him, let alone ignoring him. I see how it could be a concern in other cases, with baby needing all the attention and the wife/mom being potentially exhausted and sleep deprived.

But he is my rock, my shoulders to cry on, my boy toy, and my sugar daddy. I definitely show enough of love that he knows how important he is to me and to baby (Right? Baby?). We even have a plan for him to feed the baby earlier on so that 1) I can rest, and 2) he can bond with the baby. I mean, he just can't be ignored because he is too important to me, and us.

I do understand how he also needs some TLC once a while. My snoring at night, my waking up to pee, my not feeling well and wanting to throw up signs....all the nasty things above make him worry and in most cases, caused him good night sleeps. I can see how he is preparing himself for the D-day and that's a tremendous stress on a person, even though I am the one who's delivering...

He always says he is fine. But you know how men are, they never say what they actually feel. I do think that the attention I pay to him is enough he can handle and he would like to handle, not too little and not too much. We shall see. With my mom coming for a month or so, it's a huge test on his patience and his tolerance. He was concerned with how I am supposed to preform my wifely duty while my mom is here. And that, can be stressful.

The dynamics will change. I do think it's not a bad thing. A baby is going to make the family stronger.

Baby, it's not you and me against the world anymore. It's you, me, and the baby against the world! We love you daddy!



DearJulie

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Need another massage
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Making yet another list

TB is suck a jerk. Of course, a cute one.

He asked if I would like to travel to Phuket, which he knows nothing about and I doubt he even knows what country Phuket is in. I said, heck yeah, I want to go to Phuket. He then said "Good. I'll take you there in 20 years".

This is worse than an empty promise. #$@#%^&*

The reality is setting in one day at a time. I hate to admit it but I am getting excited. Still nervous, but excited.

One thing that I am excited about is this list that I am making. I call it the Post-Partum Do-List.

- Go shopping for new clothes and shoes, and bathing suits.
- Go to Osteria Morini and order all the charcuterie they have on the menu, especially mortedella
(this was the only thing I didn't get to eat during pregnancy because TB didn't allow)
- Go out for a night and get trashed
- Get a haircut
- Go back to the gym and train
- Sign up for a race (maybe just a half marathon)
- Plan a vacation (well, plan does not mean I can definitely go but planning is fun)
- Hire a nanny and a cleaning lady pronto
- Eat spicy hotpot

Of course I know that there won't be a timeline for when I can cross things off the list but this gives me hope. And I am trying not to think about those sleepless nights that are awaiting for me.

I appreciate those people who came to me and told me how this will be the most wondering experience in my life. I'll let you know when that happens. For now, I still don't believe you.


DearJulie

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Workout of the day
Passive muscle workout/full body massage: 60 minutes
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Two scary words

FULL TERM!

That's right. It's here. These are two very scary words. However, like I said from the beginning, ready or not, we are going to deal with it.

The nursery is pretty much set-up, thanks for baby daddy - he is the best. However, with my bare minimal principle in mind, there won't be much decoration. The walls will be bare and white; all furniture is basic and practical. We'll see. Just like everything else in my apartment, all decors will be added on organically. Because I always make mistakes by buying things on an impulse and most cases they turn out not to work well at all.

A lot of people asked me about blueberry's real name/official name. Well, we don't have one yet and I don't want to share right now either. So let's just see when he comes. The American name is not my concern at all. It's the Chinese name that's kindda worrying me.

Based on the Lam family tree, blueberry is the generation of "ch'ien" so whatever Chinese name we pick for him has to have this character. This is hard because this is a hard character. The meaning is good by itself but it does not sound good. It's my personal opinion. What's worse than a bad American name is a bad Chinese name.

I guess I will solicit my mom and my grandpa's help on this.



DearJulie

Santa is your daddy (well, I meant, Daddy is the Santa!)

I have been getting a lot of marketing emails/flyers and stuff telling me about places where I can take kids to see Santa, have dinner with Santa, take photos with Santa, shop with Santa and so on...

C'mon. We all know there is no Santa Clause, so why do parents still want to lie to kids? This makes me think of some principles that I want to stick to when it comes to parenting. First and foremost, no lies. But this is my choice of parenting. Of course you should do whatever you want to your kids.

I just don't have the heart to tell my kid that there is Santa Clause when later on, he is going to find out that is a lie anyway and I can't think of a reason that justified having him being traumatized. I didn't grow up in a Santa Clause culture and TB didn't either. It's fair that our kid won't.

So, no false expectations. If anything, I'd say to him: Santa is your daddy. He is the one bringing home toys.



DearJulie

Call me crazy

Two crazy things I have observed. Or perhaps, I am the crazy one?!

Smart phones make people stupid

Walking on the streets, I always have to watch out for those people who are on their phones while walking. I got walked into a couple times and got really annoyed. Now, I always look to see who's walking towards my direction, especially when they are on the smart phones (talking on the phone is fine. It's when they are reading shit and doing stuff on their phones that's annoying). I always have the urge to just stick my foot out and trip them. You know what, maybe I will, next time.

Another thing about the phone is the radiation or whatever signals the phone is sending might have potential harms to babies in the belly. So I always hold the phone high up and away from my belly. However, in the subways, everyone uses their phones and that kind of crowded space might intensify the kind of radiation or signal that's harmful, to my baby. I really hate it when people pull out their phones in front of me. I'd always just step aside and avoid being affected. Call me anal, but I don't want to risk it. Oh you don't have to believe me but I am not held responsible if your babies turn out to be a retard.

Nanny situation

Bad nannies are easy to find, but that's exactly the kind you do not want. Like our next door neighbor's nanny. Kids cry a lot when she is around. I wonder what she is doing or not doing to the kids. Where is that god damn nanny cam?

And then I want the Mandarin-speaking ones because I want to provide my baby a 100% Mandarin speaking environment. I know it might be hard especially TB does not speak much. He tries though, and is very cute.

It has been a trend and I am not sure when it actually all started (maybe starting in 2005), but everyone wants to teach kids Mandarin. Now, even non-Mandarin-speaking families are also looking for Mandarin-speaking nannies. Those are like wealthy families because they are able to afford a full-time live-in Mandarin-speaking nanny - those nannies carries fancy bags and are allowed to drive the family's fancy cars. Well, I am not sure if I can or I want to afford that. I mean, how hard is it to find a part-time one? Oh very hard! Because I am picky.

I want a nanny who:
- is from Taiwan but a wai shen ren.
- speaks Mandarin without a Taiwanese accent (like me).
- cooks food with flavors that I am familiar with.
- is a child education or psychology major in college or grad school.
- is clean and patient (that's like a given).
- does not cry when I yell at her.
- does light house chores, such as cleaning.
- is smart.

So, if you know anyone like that, please let me know!! :)


By the way, I quit gym. I am too heavy now.


DearJulie