Bitterness no more

One morning I woke up feeling very calm, relaxed, and normal. I lay lazily in bed, stretching my body with a big yawn, and then I felt a blob from inside of the belly. I smiled. At that precise moment it daunted on me that, I don't feel bitter about this pregnancy any more. It must have been the second trimester hormone.

Sigh, how good can DearJulie be if she is not bitter about things?

Worry not, there are plenty of things I have strong opinions on and they just keep happening every day around me.

I saw a woman breast-feeding her baby out in public just the other day, no cover at all. She was sitting at the outdoor patio seating of a restaurant, along with another mom, who was closing up her bras - yes she was just done breast-feeding. A gentleman sitting next table to them looked very stiff positioning his head towards the opposite direction and showed how nervous and uncomfortable he was.

Dude, that's the beauty of nature, get it?

This happens a lot in UES for some reason. Women feel very righteous (I don't think it's a bad word) and entitled about pregnancy and being a mom and they must show it in action - they would do anything in public. If you are in the neighborhood, you get to see all kinds.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. Breast-feeding is a serious business and we should all embrace it to the extreme. The reason why there is no "breast-feeding room" in public places because it's welcomed everywhere and not regulated. It's pretty cool right?!

I do believe, though, one's freedom should not be inconvenient to others. It's just a mutual respect among people. That said, I still have not decided whether I would breast-feed in public or not.

On one hand, I totally would abuse this right of being a woman - how cool is breast-feeding, especially anywhere I want to at anytime. On the other, even though my boobs look pretty good, I am just a bit shy to show that much, you know.
Remember the controversial cover of Time Magazine back in May? Why was it a controversy people? What's wrong in your head to think that it was inappropriate? OK. Maybe a 3-year-old still sucking on mom's boob was unusual, but why bash on the act of breast-feeding?

And there was the mom breast-feeding in uniform photo. What pissed me off the most was that one of the ladies was fired for her speaking out on gender equality and women's right. That is bullshit.

Nowadays, I start forcing myself to be very zen about things so I won't get stressed out and get baby stressed out. Things like the two outlined above just make me go nuts. However, I did wait until now to talk about it. Ommmmmmm........

What's worse is the on-going Republican Convention and those people....argh.

#pissedoff
DearJulie


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Workout of the day:
Cycling: 45 minutes
Barre Burn: 45 minutes
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I failed.

Someone asked me who won the struggles. Well well, let me tell you what happened today first.

TB left for Vegas early this morning. I said bye and then crawled back to sleep. I woke up again at my usual time, went to take care of business in the bathroom. And then, this was when the day started to go weird.

I saw blood on the tissue. It was dry blood for sure. Last time I had the dry blood was about a week ago. I didn't freak out because I was having a doctor's appointment later in the morning anyways. However, I was completely wide awake by now.

As always, I stepped out to get my bagel - whole wheat sesame, scooped out, toasted. My breakfast was simple - bagel and milk (but yes, kindda empty calories). After that, I did some work, changed, packed and then headed out to the doctor's office.

Everything seemed fine, and felt fine. The doctor said everything looks great at the ultra sound and it was a relief. I told her I got some dry blood and I showed her the photos I took of the tissue. Gross I know, but I needed to show her exactly what it was in case I wasn't able to describe it well.

Apparently she didn't think there is anything to worry about. However, she ordered me "not to put anything in your vagina until you don't see blood anymore". In another word, I can't have sex. This blows.

She listened to the baby's heart and it sounded great. And then she saw the chart about my weight and said, "you might want to watch your weight a little bit". At this moment, I lost it and freaked out (inside). My whole body felt like a balloon that's inflated, very powerless and, I was super hungry - I didn't eat anything else before the weight-in. I could have passed out right there.

I couldn't figure out what went wrong. I work out every single day, sometimes twice a day. I watch what I eat even though I have a hard time saying no to carbs. And I eat healthy food.

Regardless how much effort that I put in to control my weight. I believe I have failed. Failure does not sound amusing to me and it is also a bad example for my baby. Failure makes my stomach turn and my head hurt. Walking home I kept thinking about this stupid weight gain thing and couldn't understand why it is happening to me. I thought, I still look smaller than a lot of women.

When I got home, I spilt things on the living room carpet and then again in the kitchen. The clumsiness had the best of me especially when I could hardly concentrate on the regular tasks. Right now, my mind was still boggled. I just don't understand.

The "struggle" is over. I am cutting down eating and going into some strict dieting mode. By definition, dieting would mean to have a systematic control of the food intake, which also means I won't starve myself but eat strategically. The hard part is definitely being strict to oneself.

I don't care no more whether the baby is growing big enough because I am already too big. This blueberry is so tiny and he needs only no more than 300 calories a day to grow, and he will grow. Yes, I care only about myself and how I look and I put that as a priority above my unborn child. I am a selfish woman and mother-to-be. SUE ME!

So I decided to do something about it. First thing first, no more bagel every morning. I am going back to the steel cut oats and hard boiled eggs or sardines for breakfast.

Seriously, this is some harsh reality check. My head is really hurting now.

#failureisnofun
DearJulie

The bigger the better

As weight conscious as I am, I started to worry that my belly is not big enough. I don't want to give birth to a baby that's less than 6 lbs - in a world that the nutrition is overloaded, as least in this part of the world, that's just not healthy. I have been researching for diet plans and workout routine that I can easily follow so that all the weight gain goes to the baby, not me.

One method is to cut down carbs. People talk about cutting down carbs ALL THE TIME! But if you have done it, or if you are a big bagel whore like me, you know it's hard. I allow myself a bagel (toasted, scooped out with nothing on it) in the morning but make sure that I have a workout to follow to burn it off. I add as much protein in my diet as possible - I even started drinking milk, so that all the nutrients go to the baby. Again, a balanced diet and regular workout are the only two things I do not compromise. NEVER!

However, I noticed that my belly is not progressing the way I thought it would. Granted, I don't really know how big my belly should be, but when I googled "5 month pregnant", all the photos of women with gigantic belly popped up.

Are these what it is supposed to look like?If so, I am far behind, way far.

My concern is that my baby is not big enough. See I am contradicting to myself?  I don't want to gain weight but I want my baby to be big....

This morning, I had a business meeting with attorney who is only 2 weeks (pregnant) behind me. She told me that a good friend of hers, tiny frame, gained 14 lbs in total for one pregnancy and the baby was born a healthy 7 lbs. Wow! I am already beyond 14 lbs. She also told me another lady she knows, also a gym buff, still has some vague 6 packs even though she is 4 month pregnant. Well, that I believe because I could still feel my left-over 2 pack muscle. Her herself gained 60 lbs for the first pregnancy but she wanted to keep the weight down for this one.

There are just all the stories and experiences people share that just amaze me. They all told me that my belly will suddenly get big maybe in the last month or so. I am just hoping that is the case. Still, every day, I am struggling to make sure my weight gain is on the right track because I don't want to have to cut down eating because I gain too much. Some people told me "you can't control it". But heck I will control it. It's my body and I know it the best.

The whole point is, I know my body is being deformed. However, I want to make sure it still looks good. In the mean time, I am working extra hard to watch the weight for the recovery as well. If I really just let my body go, it's going to be very hard to lose all the weight in the end.

#weightstruggle
DearJulie


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Workout of the day: cycling 45 minutes
Upper body workout  (too many to record)
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I forget things

I was never on birth control pills for a very simple reason - I forget to take it. Well, as you all know, if you don't take it at the same time every day, the effectiveness can decrease, or gone, or something like that. Same thing with vitamins. TB used to have to always remind me that I need to take my vitamins every day. With prenatal vitamins, I am much better at remembering to take because I know the importance of it. Currently I take only three - prenatal, calcium, and fish oil.
Sure, three vitamins. Not that much.

But then there is this forgetfulness condition that comes with pregnancy, and on me, it's a severe case. I am always a forgetful person and now, it gets even worse. It has happened to me several times that I forgot whether I have taken the vitamins of the day or not. Regardless how hard I try to think back, I just couldn't. As a result, I might have taken double of the dosage on the same day.

Do people ever OD on vitamins? I hope not.

I know, I know. I should have established a routine, and habit of taking them at the same time of the day. Then again, that was also the exact reason I don't take birth control pills.
Too much work!

Another thing I forget, sometimes, is if I use deodorant before leaving the apt. Well, of course, by the time I realize it, other people realize it too. Now I carry a small travel size in my bag every where I do, just in case.  Sigh, I usually don't stink but hormones make me stink.

I am wondering, how bad can this forgetfulness get?!

Fortunately, I do have to-do lists - for work and for daily household errands. Though, sometimes I even forget to write things down on the list. It's that split moment as I blink, I erase that short term memory. Maybe I should add Ginko nuts in my diet of vitamin spread, just in case. Oh wait, I might forget to take that too. NEVER MIND!

TB just reminded me several things to do today. I gotta do it soon or I'll really forget. And then he will come home yelling at me. Lucky for him, I forget that he yells and I forget to stay mad at him.
I need my brain cell back.

#whatdidyousay?
DearJulie

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Rest Day
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Parenting ouside of Manhattan....

Usually when anything being outside of Manhattan, I would consider them "refreshing". And yes, I am talking about being a parent and raising kids. I sometimes can't stand those ladies.

Over the years, I have met so many parents and their kids, whether they are friends, people I somewhat know, or people I don't really know well. Regardless how educated they are, how successful in life they are, or even how much moula they make, a lot of them are crappy parents. Their parenting sucks and that totally shows on the kind of kids they raise.

Whenever I see crappy parenting techniques, I would take mental notes and say to myself to "never do that to my kid. I don't want my kid grow up to act like so-and-so's kids". I am sure you do that sometimes too. So don't judge me for judging those parents.

To be fair, I also have seen some great parenting skills and their kids are totally cute in personalities. When that happens, I take notes too.

Over the weekend, we drove up to Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire for a weekend get-a-way. The drive was about 5.5 hours each way. We feel so relaxed once leaving the city. If you don't know, this place is known for Mitt Romney's family vacation home. I got scared a little bit once driving into the area seeing all the Mitt Romney signage.

Anyways....

I met this mom from Boston who is in the similar business with me; who is into fitness just like me, and who has a 1 year old boy Baby B. I observed throughout the weekend how she cares for the baby thinking I would get a pointer or two. She also shared tons of experience and information with me.

Remember I used to absolutely hate talking about babies? And now I have turned myself into one of those ladies who has nothing but baby related subjects to talk about. One thing I do differently is that I ask people around me for permission to do so first :) And this weekend, it was almost non-stop baby and parenting talks. Our host, Auntie Lulu would always conveniently disappear when the conversation got too carried away. <-- I already warned her, estrogen/pregnancy hormones are contagious so she stayed away, hahaha, jk.

This family drives a sedan. On a weekend trip like this, the trunk was filled with things - three strollers, baby's travel essentials from diapers, changing clothes, travel size crib, booster seat, toys and floaties (Baby B loves water), bottles and all the other stuff I might have not got to see. On top of that, they had to pack for themselves and they also brought along a huge dog. I don't think they ever get to travel light.

Observation one: If a sedan is sufficient, I can make it work with our mid-sized SUV without having to worry about upgrading or up-sizing. Even with limited space, we can easily make the most of it, especially TB and I don't have a dog. We just have to be better packers.

As a mom, she is very happy and laidback, which directly reflects on how she cares for the baby. Baby B is a mama's boy but she lets him explore, walk everywhere, and touch everything. This lake house we stayed at was not really baby-proofed. Baby B was pressing the dish washer switches, opening the cabinet doors and taking cooking sheet out of it, playing with the switches of the stove (he didn't really figure out how it works) and getting himself familiar with the new environment. She watched from a distance but never once wanted to stop him. She talked to him and let him know what the buttons are for and granted, as strong as Baby B was, he was in no way turning on the fire or anything. Baby B would walk around the house and fall on his butts cushioned by the diaper. Without rushing to hold him up, she made sure no damage occurred and encouraged him to stand up on his own.

Observation two: Kids learn from experience and mistakes, just like us. I will not be an overprotecting parent who attend to the kid all the time, and I am sure TB won't either. We will let our kid run around as long as we have the eyes on him. But if he falls, he has to pick himself up - it's a life lesson.

At every meal, she would be in the kitchen looking around to see if there is anything Baby B can eat with his 5 new teeth, and she would improvise. Baby B was able to eat whatever we bought from the grocery store that weekends, such as, blueberries, bananas, peaches, and any snack available. She and the daddy would make grilled cheese sandwich or pasta as his meals. She let Baby B eat like the rest of us, of course, plus milk. And Baby B really enjoyed the food.

Observation three: I always think it's pretty stupid to pack baby food in all kinds of containers everywhere you go especially when your kid is old enough to eat anything anyway. I have seen a very attentive mom labeled all containers, which I even lost count of how many for that meal, carried in a separate baby bag along with the regular baby bag she carried. That just made me roll my eyes. I think by eating all ranges of foods, baby grows the immunity to fight against allergies or other things (ok, I admit, it's only my theory).

Baby B loves water. He has been taking swimming lessons early on. She said he is just to small to understand or to be afraid (of water), but he already knows to paddle and get his nose out of the water. Every morning, she took him out for a swim time. It might be just him soaking in water and playing the splashes, but he absolutely loved it.

Observation four: My kid will start the swimming lesson as early as the class will take him. I swim, so there is no question my kid will too. It's such a great skill to have even if it's not for the fitness purpose.

As laidback as the parents are, Baby B still got a lot of disciplines. Of course he cried, he made fuzzes, and he woke up too early in the morning and so on, but compared to a lot of lousy parents and their crazy kids, I would say I totally admire what she does to Baby B.

I took a lot of notes over the weekend on parenting and her thoughts on how to survive the first couple months.

As of now, I don't know what kind of parent I will be. Am I going to be super liberal and let the kid grow up by himself? Or am I going to "hold his hands" every step of the way with all the control power I have? I have no idea. However, I am definitely learning a lot from observing other parents. Maybe I will do a mix and match style, like how I like my outfits :)

We are doing research on child psychology and early development books (too many of them, not knowing which one to buy). Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom is definitely on my list. I know, it's not really a "development" type of book and I am surprised I have not already read this book. It's always good that I am reminded again the way I was brought up and how I should apply the experience on my kid.

I am all for Tiger Mom approach and I know my kid will appreciate it, because he has no choice.

As I am new to this raising kids thing, I certainly would love to hear all of your experience, whether it's a failure or a success. If it's a failure, I wouldn't mind learning from your mistakes. If it's a success, there is no reason you don't share - you should be proud and brag about it!!


#onparenting
DearJulie

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Workout of the weekend:
Kayaking
Tennis
Paddle Boarding
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Workout of today: swimming 50 minutes
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Dance like no one is watching

I can still dance even when carrying a bulging belly. If one day I can't dance anymore, just let me end myself.

I took a Zumba class the other day and got reminded how much I miss dancing - or how I miss the days when I went to school full-time, taught 20 hours a week, plus office hours, did research and wrote papers any time I got, worked at restaurants on weekends, and still managed to go out clubbing with friends at weekend nights. I miss the late night, I miss the loud music, I miss the dim light that makes everyone good looking, I miss the flirtatious looks that people used to give me, I also miss dancing all night soaking in my own sweat.

Sound gross? No, that's the best feeling ever when you stop caring about being gross; when a gentle waving of hair would splash out all the sweat on you; when you are dancing like no one is watching.

Maybe I have been lazy for a while, or maybe I grew out of the single life phase. But I can never quit dancing, like going out in a club dancing.

I don't do it anymore because no one asks me to go out nowadays. Being married and being pregnant do not make me a good going out buddy. I tell my friends that I have a black dress that covers my belly very well that I could wear when I go out, and I promise I won't embarrass them.

I pulled that dress out from an unpacked suitcase and it's now sitting there and ready to go anytime. Oh, and that pair of heels to go with...

You might think I sound desperate. But let me tell you, I have a picture of how my life will be in 4 months (and thanks to my loving husband who keeps reminding me), and it's not pretty (granted I puzzled together this picture based on others experiences but still...). So while I can still do it, I should really do it, even though nothing has ever stopped me before.

So if you are going out, let me know. I am mostly free on weekends if I don't work. Please make sure there is good music and good crowd. When making plans with me, please make sure the night starts at around 7 or 8pm, in that case I can hang whole night (until 1am). I won't be able to "get drressed and go out" after 10pm since I will be in bed if I am not already out.

For those of you who read, please spread the words :)


#imissclubbing
DearJulie

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Workout of the day:
Seated good morning: 3x10
Squat: 3x10
Staight-leg deadlift: 3x10
Leg extension: 3x10
Cycling: 45 minutes
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Babies are always cute?

That, depends on how you define what "cute" is. I am also talking just about the superficial kind of cuteness.

I am so fortunate to have some great friends around who share the same bluntness with me that sometimes, they'd say things like, "so and so's baby is really not that cute". Hey, that totally sounds like something DearJulie would say. I admire them for saying that and saying it out loud, because the truth is, so and so's baby is really not that cute. I just don't have the heart to say it, of course, not in front of the parents, but secretly that's what I thought.

Another reason I don't to say it out loud  is because, I want to save some good karma for when the time comes.

In math, multiplying (two) negatives makes a positive. Cases like that happen in life everywhere too. When it comes to making a baby, I do worry that's going to happen to us.

Does DearJulie so shamelessly think that both TB and her are the super positive?

HECK YEH! No no, I am kidding.

I just thought, TB and I are not super ugly, you know. Only ugly couples make cute babies (think 2 negatives make 1 positive...).

I have really seen two good-looking parents produced a not so good-looking baby. In my head, I just thought that's a shame and also was amazed how nature works. God just don't want to let you have it all, if you believe in god.

This weekend, a wise lady who claimed to have seen one too many babies in her life said to me that, babies are really not cute when they are newborn. It takes time for their facial feature to mature and the fat to fill the bone and skin structure so that they look "cute". It does make sense. Some ugly babies grow up to become adorable toddlers (with great personality and that's very important).

"Cuteness" is in the eye of the beholder. To parents, their babies are always cute. Sometimes we look for the resembles of the parents to decide if a baby is cute (because it might be a trouble if the baby does not looks like neither, I am just saying), and that's really the fun part of it - we are always amazed to see what a final product looks like.

Maybe I should not expect to see a cute baby coming out of my belly.


#iwantacutebabytoo
DearJulie


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Workout of the day:
Swimming 50 minutes
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Some minor meltdown

The other night I sat in bed rubbing my belly with Ma Ma Mio, and as I rubbed, I stared at my bare belly for a while. And as I stared, I came to some realization. My body started to tremble, I started crying.

What hit me was that I finally realized my life is not going to be the same anymore and I finally realized I am not going to be the same anymore. Emotions hit me like a hurricane, punching me in the face and twisted around my mind and my stomach. It feels like I was being choked and could not breathe at all.
This whole pregnancy thing so far has been a very out-of-body experience - it's like someone else's business and it has nothing to do with me. When walking on the street and seeing the reflection of myself on the windows, I still thought it was someone else and it took me a second to realize that was me. And I still look pretty good! Dang. j/k...

It just does not seem to be something DearJulie would ever do and now here I am. As my belly gets bigger, the reality seems to be closer to me each day - I am having a baby, a real life BABY, a human being. Having a kid was never in my plan way back then - but back then it was just me. Now I have a family of my own. I know for sure I won't be able to handle it. However when things come at you, you take care of business. That's my plan - I am going to handle it and take care of business, just like other things that happened to me that I did not plan for at all. I sometimes feel that I  am losing control over myself and my life. Luckily, things always turn out the way they should be, the good way. I guess they are right - everything is going to be ok.

After I cried, I calmed down and watched more Olympics and then fell asleep.

I will not cry again.


#meltdown
DearJulie


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Workout of the day:
Cardio Sculpt: 1 hr
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