I failed.

Someone asked me who won the struggles. Well well, let me tell you what happened today first.

TB left for Vegas early this morning. I said bye and then crawled back to sleep. I woke up again at my usual time, went to take care of business in the bathroom. And then, this was when the day started to go weird.

I saw blood on the tissue. It was dry blood for sure. Last time I had the dry blood was about a week ago. I didn't freak out because I was having a doctor's appointment later in the morning anyways. However, I was completely wide awake by now.

As always, I stepped out to get my bagel - whole wheat sesame, scooped out, toasted. My breakfast was simple - bagel and milk (but yes, kindda empty calories). After that, I did some work, changed, packed and then headed out to the doctor's office.

Everything seemed fine, and felt fine. The doctor said everything looks great at the ultra sound and it was a relief. I told her I got some dry blood and I showed her the photos I took of the tissue. Gross I know, but I needed to show her exactly what it was in case I wasn't able to describe it well.

Apparently she didn't think there is anything to worry about. However, she ordered me "not to put anything in your vagina until you don't see blood anymore". In another word, I can't have sex. This blows.

She listened to the baby's heart and it sounded great. And then she saw the chart about my weight and said, "you might want to watch your weight a little bit". At this moment, I lost it and freaked out (inside). My whole body felt like a balloon that's inflated, very powerless and, I was super hungry - I didn't eat anything else before the weight-in. I could have passed out right there.

I couldn't figure out what went wrong. I work out every single day, sometimes twice a day. I watch what I eat even though I have a hard time saying no to carbs. And I eat healthy food.

Regardless how much effort that I put in to control my weight. I believe I have failed. Failure does not sound amusing to me and it is also a bad example for my baby. Failure makes my stomach turn and my head hurt. Walking home I kept thinking about this stupid weight gain thing and couldn't understand why it is happening to me. I thought, I still look smaller than a lot of women.

When I got home, I spilt things on the living room carpet and then again in the kitchen. The clumsiness had the best of me especially when I could hardly concentrate on the regular tasks. Right now, my mind was still boggled. I just don't understand.

The "struggle" is over. I am cutting down eating and going into some strict dieting mode. By definition, dieting would mean to have a systematic control of the food intake, which also means I won't starve myself but eat strategically. The hard part is definitely being strict to oneself.

I don't care no more whether the baby is growing big enough because I am already too big. This blueberry is so tiny and he needs only no more than 300 calories a day to grow, and he will grow. Yes, I care only about myself and how I look and I put that as a priority above my unborn child. I am a selfish woman and mother-to-be. SUE ME!

So I decided to do something about it. First thing first, no more bagel every morning. I am going back to the steel cut oats and hard boiled eggs or sardines for breakfast.

Seriously, this is some harsh reality check. My head is really hurting now.

#failureisnofun
DearJulie