Good Friday??? Nooooooo.....

Good Friday??? Nooooo, it's GREAT Friday!

Today is my first "courtesy day-off", a term that I stole from a wise lady. Today, I don't have to breastfeed blueberry, I don't change blueberry's diapers, I don't play with blueberry, I don't hold blueberry, and I don't even have to talk to blueberry if I don't want to.

I have already scheduled myself a couple pampering appointments, nice quiet time walking around outside and shopping (thank goodness the weather is AWESOME), and I don't have to come home for as long as I want to.

But only today.

Nowadays my time is not mine, my boobs are not mine, foods I eat are not for me, water I drink is not for me, and my life is not mine.  Every day I scream inside of myself - I don't want this at all. But looking at this baby in front of me, I know I will never walk away. I can't and I won't. If anything is still mine, he is mine.

This mixed emotion, this battle, goes on every day. One minute I love being a mom, and the next I hate it. I could even hate it with a passion, like I have never hated anything like this before. Then again, I have never loved anything like this before.

See what I am talking about? And can you believe this kind of struggle with myself happens every fucking single day.

I am pissed, frustrated, and sad.

I am pissed that I feel stuck and trapped. I am pissed that I am not one who gets to go to work every day, like, leave the apartment without a baby. I am frustrated that this little monster refuses to take the bottle from me and he takes me for granted. I am sad that even he is with me every day, I feel lonely.

Why is it that the mothers always have the heaviest load of work? Why is it that the mothers always have to stay home? Why is it that the mother's life is completely ruined (Ok, fine, changed) since day one when the baby comes home from the hospital?

I thought I could do it all. I could work and take care of the baby, AND still take care of the husband. I thought I have no problem finding the balance in everything. I thought this mommyhood thing is easy breezy. I thought........

I hate how people tell me it's not easy job but I will feel rewarded in the end. Heck, I don't even think I have what it takes to make it to the end. I hate how those ladies just make it look so easy which gives me a false expectation.

I am my own person. Why do I have to change it once I become a mom? Why do I need to sacrifice anything because I give birth to a baby?

Mother, somehow has become one of my identities that even though I thought I could be certain mom, I can't. A mom is a mom, who just has to suck it up and take it. There is no easy path to this job. It's a full time job itself, with no pay and no benefit. But what about a career that I have always wanted? Like, a real one.

I used to despise all those stay-at-home moms because I didn't understand why they need to give up their career and life for this? Because I thought for them quitting being themselves they are jeopardizing the great revolution of feminism and whoever does that is my enemy. Because I am a feminist. Now I know, it's not true. Their choice should be highly regarded and respected. Being a mom, especially a stay-at-home one is a tough job.

However resentful I am, it won't change the fact that I am a mom, regardless I want to be or not. And my own identity has not been the same since the day I got married. That's also my choice. Of course, I can't take it back and I don't want to take it back. But you know, it's just hard not to be me.

I have to remind myself that I am no longer just me.

So now, I not only need to get used to being someone's wife, but also someone's mother. Sigh. I feel tired just to think about that.

The only person I can take it all out on is TB. He is very good at being a dad. I only wish he could also breastfeed him so that I don't have to. But today, the GREAT Friday, I'll give him a break.


DearJulie

A live or death problem

My blueberry is a breast-fed kid. He gets everything from me and me only. Lucky for him, his mom is quite an adventurist that she would eat anything and everything. Also, knowing that he eats whatever I eat, I particularly love experiment on things to eat just to see how he likes it or dislikes it.

It turned out, he can't do coffee - he will not be able to sleep at night. He also can't really do dairy products and it shows in his poops. However I still eat dairy but control the intake amount. Not that I want him to be sick, I don't want to become lactose-intolerant myself. He does enjoy wine with cold cuts a lot, Oh hell no, I don't pump and dump. This kid also really loves TB's cooking.

His weight gain is normal thus far for a breast-fed kid.

Ironically, my biggest frustration of raising this little monster has also been breastfeeding.

Earlier on, I got mastitis that was so painful that I almost wanted to chop my boob off. It was so painful that I couldn't feed him myself for almost a week. I was so worried about him not getting enough but I couldn't do anything. Finally after 10 days being on anti-biotic, I got better. We went back to regular feeding.

A couple weeks ago, I developed yeast infection that my nipple got super itchy and red and I was also in pain. I could feed him but I was very uncomfortable. He felt my frustration and I didn't think he was nursed well. I had to put some ointment to get rid of the infection and take him to the peds to make sure he didn't have thrush. This ordeal took a while and I accidentally let him suck on the boob that had the ointment on. Gross. He didn't like it at all.

And guest what! This week, I got some kick-ass milk production that the flow was non-stop and I couldn't stop it. It just keeps coming and coming....how I wish I got this much milk in the beginning when he couldn't get any and while I suffered from the clogged duct.

But, this has become a night mare. Too much let-down too fast is an issue? Oh hell yeh. You know how much? The milk was shooting out and it got all over his face. I am not even kidding. Nipples shooting out milk and got all over the boy's face? Oh ew, that sounds like porn. But it's nothing funny at all. Think about how you are put upside down chugging the keg from a tube? That's how he feels right now. He chokes himself all the time. As a result, he refuses the boobies. At first he would try clamping it down to stop the flow. When that's not successful, he would just turn his head away and totally not eat anymore.

I googled it and also asked the lactation consultant. Apparently, this is something both him and I have to adjust to and there is not really any trick to overcome it. I just have to change positions often, burp him often, and take a break often so that he does not choke.

He's never refused boobs like this and his feed time has gone down so much because he rather starve himself, he wouldn't want to choke. I don't blame him. Who would want an unpleasant feeding? And now I worry yet again if he is getting enough.

To make things worse, he does not take the bottle from me at all. Whenever I tried bottle feed him it's like a battle and I always lost. He is even more stubborn than his old man.

What to do? What to do?

I am getting help from my OB, lactation consultant, as well as another experienced mom. Dude, this might really take a couple weeks to solve the problem. God damit, I just want him to eat and enjoy eating.

Just thinking of whether my son is getting enough from me drives me crazy. I have to admit, I have never worried so much about anything. It feels like a life is depending on me and a life is totally depending on me.

Tell me it's not a live or death problem. I'd say yes.


DearJulie

No shaking the baby

What makes being a mom worthwhile is that I get to learn a little bit about my blueberry every day. Though at times, it drives me nuts that I don't know why he is crying and making a fuzz, I never want to shake or drop my baby. Phew...I might have that thought but I DIDN'T DO IT.

No depression whatsoever. It's just me being impatient. But, I am making progress.

He has a lot of fun cues, like he has a poop face, the sound he makes when he is hungry, the sound he makes when he is bored, the sound he makes when he is agreeing with me (Oh yes, he agrees with me), the face he makes when he needs to burp....and so on and on and on.

You know, if having a nanny to raise a kid, I'd never have figured these out. So I am glad I don't have one. Babysitter, on the other hand, might be needed soon.

He smiles at me when I am playing with him; he got excited when he sees TB home to change his diapers. He has a lot of emotions and he is also very vocal. He was definitely flirting with Auntie Melody the other night.

I am doing so much better with "getting things he wants" which I am pretty happy with myself. Blueberry is the Buddha coming to the world to teach me caring for others, being patient, being taken for granted of, and about life in general....though this part, I have not fully figured out, you know, like that unconditional love they always talk about.

However, I know I can only get better at this.

We are so lucky and blessed to have him in our family. We feel so much more devoted to each other and we feel so much in love with each other. He is making our family strong because, it's us three against the world.

Speaking of progress....

Blueberry is hitting all major milestones which makes me proud. However, there are still some that I think he is behind, like he still can't talk to me regardless how I ask him to say "mama" every day. Also, he can't walk and I can't wait to take him out for walks without pushing a carseat around. But, I MUST BE PATIENT!

On the other hand, I alwyas want to capture the moment he is making progress but I always miss. Darn it, my camera shutter is just not fast enough. And, I almost always forget to have a camerca closeby. I so missed the day he turned 1 month, and I missed the day he turned 2 months. I guess there is no bother for 3 months. Or, I just have to wait until he turns 1 year, which is an even greater progress, right?!

I also never did the baby announcement, even though I had the design idea in mind and I talked to my designer. Without a baby announcement, it's like my baby was never born. And of course, you know I am being sarcastic. No, I won't share the idea with you because I might use it for my 2nd baby.

Wow! second baby. Hahahaha....


DearJulie

Burn baby burn

Baby daddy said to blueberry: Mommy is going to the gym now so that she can get sexy again to make a little brother or sister for you!

How I appreciate TB's unconditional support!! He makes sure I have some "me" time so that I can go to the gym and I get to hit the gym almost every day now. Wow!! I couldn't even imagine because 2 months ago, I didn't think I would be able to do so this easily knowing that schedules would be all crazy. He loves babysitting while playing video game or watching any Michigan game. That's actually the only time the TV would be on. No, we won't let blueberry watch TV.

Going to the gym truly me makes me feel alive again. Well, not that my life is bad. I am still trying to adjust to the mommyhood one day at a time so bear with me if I sometimes sound very negative. It might be the reason why I am short, according to baby daddy.

As I am trying to work out all the fat and calories, I am, at the same time, worrying about how to maintain enough calories to produce milk. Good thing is that my son has been gaining weight so whatever I am doing, should be the right thing, though I am not really losing weight. BUMMER! This is some hard work I have to say even though my diet has been very healthy.

Sometimes healthy diet is not how I can produce the most milk. So I let myself eat more, more often, and eat desserts, which rarely happened before if you know me - I am not much of a sweet tooth. Even though I have to work extra hard to get back to the perfect shape and this process might take longer than I expect because of breastfeeding, my first priority now is definitely to feed my son. Hey, don't I sound like a good mom!

Spring is around the corner. I am giving myself more time than I would before to get into shape. I am currently holding out for buying new clothes (and shoes. I think my shoe size is back to before).

Today at the gym I was looking at myself in the mirror as I was doing dead lifts, I saw the resemblance of blueberry and me. This makes me happy. He is really my son!


DearJulie

Women with a stroller

I love pushing blueberry out in a stroller. Actually, I would much prefer to carry him in a sling but it's still cold outside and he is too young to be carried like that....

The true reason that I love pushing him out in a stroller is, I want to be out of the apartment. We have been out almost every day sometimes twice a day, rain or shine. We need to do it twice a day because his window of being out is short - feeding schedule is still every 2-3 hours. But hey, I don't mind getting in and out and repeat as long as I am out.

People were OK nice to me when I was pregnant and huge. And now, however, people are super nice to me when I push a stroller on the street. I mean, I am friendly looking in general and I'd like to smile at people when walking in the neighborhood, so I don't mind them being nice to me. It's nice to have strangers holding the doors for me, stopping the traffic so that I can cross the street safely (and ti was still green light), giving me the best seat in the restaurant, and not cutting in line in front of me.

No wonder women in this neighborhood feel very entitled when then push a stroller. They don't look you in the eyes and they look above your head (does it make sense?). Because they are spoilt by nice people.

Yes, a stroller is one of a woman's best accessories, other than a good-looking husband.

That's exactly why those ladies love pushing the BMW or Mercedez' grade strollers. I only learned these terms when one of the ladies from my mommygroup asked me which stroller I am getting and excitedly showed me hers and wanted me to test-drive it. The suspension and wheels did feel different.

Hm...I don't have a "real" stroller yet. Blueberry is still in the carseat and I push him around with the Graco thingy. But is it really worth it getting a the ultimate driving machine stroller? I have no idea.

Anyways...

It looks like blueberry likes to be outside, just like me. He always sleeps soundly in the careseat. Though I would very much want him to open his eyes and look at the outside world and people. Maybe he knows he is being outside with the surrounding noise, the sometimes nasty street smell, and the sound of traffic and car horns. I wonder if the real world is the same as he imagined, or, he simply just does not care. So far I know for sure he likes meeting new people, just like his mom!

Yeah I know, he's like me in a lot of ways. But you have no idea how much more he is like his daddy and it's almost scary...


DearJulie

Selfless

I am always the first to admit how selfish I am, as a daughter, as a wife, as a friend, and as a person in general. When I was pregnant, I was perhaps the most selfish mom-to-be ever since I worried only for myself, did things only for myself and I am not sure if it's a good idea that my kid might get to read all the previous blog posts in the future, you know, when he can read.

I was almost so certain that I will be a very selfish mom.

Things are changing. Not that I am not selfish anymore. It's more like, with blueberry around, I don't have time to be a bit selfish.

I can't just go to the gym, go running whenever I want.
I can't just go to buy bubble tea whenever I want.
I can't just go hang out with friends whenever I want.
I can't just sleep whenever I want.
I can't have date nights with TB whenever I want.

I can't even eat when it's meal time, like how I want it.

Life is different now. I have a baby to take care of. He is the priority over myself so I now do everything with him, for him, and around him. Believe it or not, I have become the most accommodating person in the world, if you know how demanding a baby is. I know I am not the only one who has a baby but it's my first time having a baby. I have the right to be very proud of myself.

Moms are supposed to be selfless.

It definitely takes a baby to transform someone like me to be a mom, a good one. At least that's the goal I set for myself. I want to be a good mom. Since I am always so good at what I do and I want to do, I am sure it's not too difficult to become a good mom. I also have the best "teacher" by my side to teach me how to become one.

Thanks to blueberry.

Being selfish is for my own happiness. Being a good mom will result in a wonderfully happy baby; I am happy if my blueberry is happy, so being a good mom is also for my own happiness. Not sure if it makes any logical sense, but that's what I think.

Therefore, freedom is overrated. Blueberry owns me now.


DearJulie

No time to blog

It has been 6 weeks that I became a mother to a little monster - he is perfect in every way.  It also has been the longest 6 weeks in my life that it really felt like forever. Is that a good thing or bad the fact that life feels long and endless?

Speaking of life, I have no life (to myself). Everything I do I have to plan around blueberry. I sometimes couldn't poop because I don't have the time to sit on the toilet because whenever I have time, I sleep. Thus no time for blogging. Maybe it's because I am so new to this mommyhood thing that I need to work on my "mommy time management". Seriously, there are a lot of things that I used to do on a daily basis, my usually daily routine, I can't do them anymore. I can't clean the apt, I can't take the trash out, I can't do dishes, I can't even fix myself something to eat while hungry. Well, and whenever I do eat, I feel like I need to swallow everything in the shortest amount of time possible. Food does not taste the same anymore. Eating feels like a chore so that I can produce enough milk to feed blueberry.

All your mommies there would probably think: dude, why are you whining? It's all very normal and you will get used to it.

The problem is, I love myself too much to "get used to it". Sometimes I do feel very resentful that I wish I could make a return but there is no return policy and no one ever returns a baby, right? But I know there should not be hate. I am still full of love for blueberry.

This time I need to suck it up and make changes. What I can do now is to get my life in a new order, new routine. My life is on a 2 hrs segment and that's how I should be planning for.

What a positive thinking!! Very not DearJulie like....it's ok, I will try to get used to it.

On the brighter side (well, there are all bright sides), I started running and resuming my (new) gym routine. Training won't be as easy as before because of the time constrain but I will make it work. TB and I kindda figured out how we can rotate going to the gym and watching blueberry. I definitely feel so much more energy and I feel great about myself. Now, I just have to find time to get mani-pedi, massage and all my grooming sessions.

Still sleep deprived, I am hanging in there.

DearJulie