6 months post-partum

This blog is very lack of updates. All I can say is: being a parent is a ton of work. Every day is a challenge and every day I learn something new. It's actually really fun to watch a little baby grow especially a breastfed one. The doctor appointments always make me nervous though. It's like getting my score cards every term to see how my progress is. In this case, it's my kid's progress; his progress determines how good of a mother I am.

At 6 months, he unfortunately did not reach the 100 percentile in weight even though he is, slowly, gaining weight. Sometimes I do wonder where did all the breast milk go: why is he not growing heavier? taller? and bigger? Well, I am more realistic about the growth charts. This is how I look at it: he is much less likely to become obese in the near future.

His weight-gain somehow did not translate into my weight-loss. I still have that 10 lbs lingering around everywhere on my body that just does not want to go away. This is very frustrating. I work out and train, but I can't really diet as I used to.

I tried though. I tried my old diet with green juice, steel-cut oats, sardines, and very very little carbs. The result was the empty boobs. Oh no, that's no good at all.

I don't want the breast milk supply to go down since I ambitiously want to breast feed for 1 year, but I also do not want to eat like a mad man, which I sometimes do. I mean, I still eat healthy but I do need the calories to keep up with the supply. There is really a fine line to make good balance. I just don't know how to make that balance.

I have about 2 weeks to get ready for a trip where I will have to be in my bathing suit and  I feel depressed about it. Blah. This summer I just don't have a beach-ready body to flaunt. I wonder if when people see me in a bathing suit, they can easily recognize that I am a mom and gave birth 6 months ago?! And they will cut me some slack.

Yes, that's what has been bothering me recently. Sigh.

DearJulie

Sleep training? What sleep training!?

*Disclaimer*
This is yet another post that I write solely to keep as a reminder for myself, in case life like this happens again. And this time, I am prepared.

I feel so compelled to write something about sleep training because a lot of baby newsletters have been reminding me to do so at 4 month. And, this facebook mommy group that I belong to has been talking/heavily discussing/debating about it. Those women and "debates", they have very strong opinions and a lot of judgments (they will deny) and they are sometimes not nice to each other. And in the end, they still say to each other "awww your baby is so cute"!

As a new mom, I thought I was pretty open-minded about taking advice from others, experienced moms, books, self-proclaimed experts, authentic experts and sometimes, strangers on the street. I have always been told, or warned, that sleep is HUGE. Babies need to sleep well so that the household is peaceful, the marriage is sound, and life can continue.

I agree. Not that I have any baby experience before this one, but TB is a pain in the ass if he does not get the sleep, and that's enough lesson for me.

How and/or how long your baby sleeps or not sleeps through the night, and how and/or how long your baby naps or not naps during the day, is really not my eff'ing business. However, books, experts, old moms, new moms and neighbors probably all have told us that sleep is so important to your baby. As a matter of fact, sleep is damn important not only to your baby, but you/me, too. So, the subject of baby and sleep/tots and sleep is always a huge, no, a giant one among parents. This, makes me very aware of how my blueberry sleeps and how to make him sleep better.

A lot of moms love bragging about how their babies "sleep through the night" and I think that's very cute. But mind you, the definition of "sleep through the night" is (only) 5 hours. So if your babies don't do 5-hr stretch, that's really OK. As you may all know, babies are all different. One thing though, is that, some of them fail to share how the babies sleep through the night, and that's a kind of skill that not just the baby needs to learn, the mom/parents, too.

I'd like to share how we "sleep train" my son. Or not sleep train.

During my pregnancy, TB and I read so many books on babies, especially on brain development and sleep - a lot of theories, some case studies, and all confusing. After not remembering how many books (actually I can make a list but that's a waste of time), we kindda know what to do in our head, but not sure if it'd work.

From the very first day coming back home, blueberry has been babied by my mom. She had her ways of soothing babies; she loved holding him until he fell asleep. We always wanted to break that habit but we rather have good night sleep of our own so we let her do what she wanted. And it seemed to be the only way to help him sleep.

The day after my mom left, blueberry seemed to know that his good life ended. Smart kid!

That night, after feeding blueberry, TB had no mercy but put him down on the crib. He said to blueberry, "you are fed and you are changed, not it's time to go to sleep. We love you. Good night." And he turned the light off, walked out of his room.

Blueberry was tossing and turning his head, yiyi-aiai for several minutes, and he fell asleep. Just like that.

Babies understand everything you say to them.

We thought it was only that night, but every night is like that. We thought it was only TB who he listened to, but he would do the same to me (ok, fine, after a couple trials). And voila! He is sleep-trained.

We always have a "going to bed routine". He will take a bath, change into clean clothes, get a good feed, swaddle. If he is sleepy, we put him down while he is still awake but drowsy. If he does not look that sleepy, we read a book or two to him before putting him down in the crib. Once he is in the crib, he will toss and turn for several minutes, sometimes waving arms, and then he will calm himself down and fall asleep. Recently, his soothing method also includes sucking hands.

At week 7/8, I started adopting Gina Ford's method of putting him on a schedule. I use Gina Ford's method because she lay out a daily schedule for me to follow and then tweak to fit our overall schedule and lifestyle. Since then, blueberry has been on a 7-7 schedule.

This 7-7 schedule does not mean he does not wake up in the middle of night. He usually gets up any time from midnight -2am for a diaper change and full feed, and then he falls back to sleep. Starting at 13/14 weeks, he has been able to sleep 12 hours at night without getting up. However, there was the dehydration problem - orange urine acid crystal on the diaper. We fixed that by waking him up for a feed at night for a couple days and let him slowly drop that feed.

We did not drop the feed for him, he did.

Nowadays, his daily routine includes a feed every 3-4 hours, 2-3 naps during the day with a total of 3-3.5 hrs, and lots of play time but not over tiring him, and lots of fresh air outside (for me as well). This seems to be working for him because he looks happy. The only times he fusses, are when he is hungry and when he is tired. He goes to bed at around 6-7pm, wakes up at around 6-7am.

He hit the 4 month sleep regression right on schedule and it lasted for a couple days. He sometimes does things that throw off his schedule, I will try to help him get back to it but adjusting the routine and starting the day at 7am. Every day can be very routine but also very different. Yes, it's testing my patience with him, but I deal.

I am not 100% sure if we are doing this correctly. I know for sure that with this schedule, TB and I are able to enjoy dinner just two of us and a lot of time just hanging out. I think babies with good sleep help maintain parents' loving relationship and marriage.

Again, what works for me does not mean it works for other people. However, read it as another case study. My simple hope is that he keeps this schedule up until he is 18 year old.

One thing I'd like to add is that I see too many parents go with cry-it-out method. I am not judging but I personally do not believe letting babies cry hysterically is the right way to let them fall asleep. I always refer to the Romanian Orphan Study when people talk to me about CIO (oh gawd, I can't believe I am suing an acronym. I am totally not myself anymore.) Crying for too long has bad impact on infant brains which is not good for overall development.

I am not saying you should not use CIO if that's the very last resort. I am just saying I will never let my baby cry like that. Well duh's anyone would be exhausted after that kind of crying....

DearJulie

Mother's Day

I guess it's not until I am a mother that I understand to appreciate my mother. How cliché! But it's so true. Sigh. You must think I am a daughter who is not grateful and all that.

I am. I am much much even more grateful of my mother now.

Mother's Day finally becomes my holiday. Remember DearJulie used to celebrate Children's Day, or Single Awareness Day?! I don't really have a plan but I know ideally how I would like to spend it.

I want to spend it WITHOUT my son.

There are a lot of things I can do:
- Do a DVR marathon to finish all the shows recorded and need to be deleted
- Research for some good books and read them (yeah, didn't even have time to know what books are out)
- A long, non-interrupted, without beeper work-out session
- Go shopping and actually try on things and buy them
- A long massage session, like, 2 hrs
- Clean and decorate my office space
- Catch up on work
- Shred all the junk mail
- Cook a decent meal

However, I really don't think that  24-hr Mother's Day would be sufficient time for me to accomplish all the above. And it is quite unlikely that I can spend it without my son. The other day I said to someone "my son is the extension of me and goes everywhere I go, even the ladies room". Therefore there is no way I can have my ideal Mother's Day but I would take the best possible kind I could get.

My wish for Mother's Day is that Miles will say Mama before he says Dada.

DearJulie

To create a social circle

Dearjulie used to have a lot of friends, whom I talk to almost every day, see almost every week, hang out with almost all the time, you know, dancing buddies, drinking buddies, workout buddies, eating buddies and whatever buddies (but not THAT, so get your mind out of the gutter).

Ever since moving to NYC, I noticed that 1) I have less and less friends, 2) I don't get to make friends easily anymore. I was OK with it since I have TB - he is my everything buddy. But now I find myself eager to make new friends, because my son needs friends.

Ok, I am not sure if he needs friend, he didn't tell me. But I think he needs friend - who does not? I want to start his social life early and I want him to be surrounded by kids at the same age. Otherwise, he'd be either bored staying home with me every day, or lonely... that's not good.

Whoever goes out making new friends in my age?! Well, ME! I am very into making new (mom) friends these days. I belong to 3 different mommy's groups and I am starting to (quasi) organize one myself.

They are all called "support groups" for new moms. I care less about that - I don't think I have issues that I couldn't solve myself and that I have to share with others that my son is an angel sleeping well, eating well, and growing well. I already brag about it on my blog! I don't want to complain about how out of shape I think I am and how my son is derailing my plans of getting beach ready by May.

No, that's not why I joined those groups.

I am making friends so that this turnip head can play with their kids.

So far so good. These ladies are actually very sweet and nice. I somehow enjoy the discussion every week when I meet them. Some have great insights, some just like to rant, and still some are just funny.

And, they all have great babies - some always sleep, some love to play.

There is this little girl who my son hit it off well - they were talking up a storm to each other and both decided to suck on their own hands at the same time which turned it into a hand sucking party. SOOOOOOO fun to watch them.

I hope this little turnip head enjoys it as much as I do because I am doing it all for him.


DearJulie

Nanny search is non-stop

It's very very hard times 100 to find a nanny. And, it's very very super extremely difficult times 100 to find a real good one. Interviewing nannies is getting annoying because once they walk in the door, I already know I do not like them. So I decided just to have phone interview first. Still, 9 out of 10 just didn't sound right over the phone.

Because of the search for a nanny, I got to refresh my world, particularly South America, geography. Apparently Grenada, St. Vincent, and Trinidad are the English-speaking countries as former British colonies. Oh wait a minute, I think they are still British owned. Anyways.

I wrote about the criteria that I am looking for in a nanny before. First and foremost, the person has to be Mandarin-speaking. However, because of the difficulty of even finding one, I lowered the standard a bit, thus I came across all the South American, English-speaking nannies.

Not that I discriminate, but I don't really think they even speak good English, like, worse than the fobby English I speak. I sometimes have a hard time understanding them and I don't think I want my son to speak bad English.

So, I thought, how about a Spanish-speaking nanny? It'd be cool if my son speaks Spanish. We interviewed one and absolutely loved her, and it's no doubt she was experienced and caring and patient based on her reference and just by meeting with her, we know. Of course it didn't work out because good nannies are always taken by others. She didn't feel that she wanted to travel to UES but rather, she wanted to stay in UWS.

I continue looking for Spanish-speaking as well as Mandarin-speaking nannies. Unfortunately either good ones are taken, or we encountered nanny candidates who do not have a residency or citizenship. We believe it's important because I heard stories of nanny stealing babies for their passports. SCARY!

In the beginning I was very hopeful that I will find one very soon. Once I find one, I will have more free time to work, sit on the toilet for however long I want, clean the apartment, go to the gym, and eat a decent meal. But now, things are still on hold. After interviewing so many nannies that I was not sure about, I decided that I rather take my time and find the perfect one.

On the other hand, I was looking for an occasional babysitter to help a couple hours on week days. Then again, the thought of having someone else take care of my baby is just so uncomfortable. Strange, right? I am so eager to have someone's help and I am also not sure if it's a good idea.

I can't let go. I am too attached.

Argh, I am out of my mind. One minute I can't wait to get rid of him and the next, I want everyone to back off.

It's probably the mother's nature, or instinct or defense mechanism. It's the tiger in me that wants to protect (or over-protect) the little kitten. I roar and I am fierce.

Who else can breastfeed him? Who else can change his diaper and make sure his butt is super squeaky clean? Who can console him and help to fall asleep? Who can hold him to sleep in the same position for 3 hrs? Who can play and talk with him non-stop? Who can read Chinese books to him and sing Jay Chou to him? Who can patiently reason with him when he is crying and being unbelievably fussy? Who can make him laugh like the happiest baby on the block?

Who can read all his cues knowing when he is hungry, sleepy, uncomfortable, annoyed, happy, curious, hot, cold, and bored?

The answer is obvious.

What should I do now? I am little by little building a self identify that's called Miles' Mother and regardless how I resist it, it's growing on me, creeping in without making a noise.

I just, still can't give up certain part of me.

Maybe, I should it own up to it. I should just take it all in.

Maybe my son does not need a nanny, he only needs me.

You know, I might feel much better about it if TB is willing to pay me a day rate.


DearJulie

Anyways,

The best present ever

They often time say, "my baby is the best Christmas present that God send me", referring to her baby born on and around Christmas time; "my baby is the best Mother's Day gift anyone could ask for", referring to, well, duh, her baby as a Mother's Day gift. Or anniversary gift, birthday gift, or even any holiday that is made up can be an excuse to say "my baby is the best gift ever".

You know what I am talking about? Like all lovey dovey about having a baby, the only most precious thing in the whole world that could bring her the joy?

I have been waiting for almost a month to build up the emotion and see if it will eventually hit me.

Today is the deadline. Today is my birthday.

And holy sh*t. I do not feel that blueberry is the best birthday present ever. Though I do feel kindda lovey dovey. I am also still waiting for my birthday gifts, other birthday gifts.

This does not mean I don't love him whole heartedly, because I do.

Although he is everything money can't buy, this baby is work, is responsibility, is one of the biggest challenges in my life.  He cries, whines and is annoying sometimes. He takes up all the time I have and consumes all the energy out of me. On the other hand, he makes me a much more patient person than ever before...ah, I can't believe how patient I am (with him) nowadays.

Oh those changes.....I have (slowly) become one of those ladies even though I consciously warn myself not to be, but it's hard. When you see others and their babies, the competitive nature in me is always bringing out the worst of me. Which could justify why I would even consider spending money on a baby seersucker suit, knowing that he is probably only going to wear it once and he probably wouldn't appreciate it as much as I do.

So yeah, I am 35 today. I feel effing awesome. I have the world's most wonderful husband who does not really care about celebrating birthdays; I have the world's cutest son who complained about my boobs this morning and went with his own hand. You must say: what else would you ask for?!

Perhaps not.

Things can't always be perfect. Life is wonderful when knowing how to look at things from different perspectives. So yeah, with all things considered, I am damn happy at this moment. Especially my son is taking a good morning nap.

One thing I will do differently today: I will do whatever I want, whenever I want, even if my son is whining. He does not get to decide what he wants and when he wants it, but I do. For example, if I need to poop and he is hungry and crying, I will poop first before I get to him.


DearJulie

Bottle war

After a whole child-less day on the Great Friday, I feel rejuvenated and once again, alive. What a difference one day can make. I did not feel guilty about not being there with blueberry. Even when he was crying, I totally ignored it and walked away, as he watched me walk away.

I thought I could go shopping and hang out at a nice café to read a book all day. It turned out, there were just so many errands needed to be done when I finally had the free time. In the end, I didn't do anything fun but I was very productive.

Now, I am recharged and ready for more challenges again.

Oh yes, bring it on!

We have been bottle training blueberry for the past 2 weeks with one bottle a day. We needed to do that because he all of a sudden refused the bottles, not just from me, but from anyone. It was his way of protesting TB going to Thailand without us. Muhahahaha!!

After countless nipples and the great advice from some of the wise ladies (you know who you are, so thank you), we sort of figured out what he likes better. He was being a punk at first - rather going to sleep hungry than taking the bottle. Eventually he either gave in or he got used to the bottle again, he finally was able to take it. I kindda worried a bit at first because I hate to know that he was hungry, or he could be hungry. However, my son does not starve himself. He does not cry much but he would certainly wail if he s hungry. Knowing this, I asked myself not to panic. The training must go on.

We thought it'd be a tough tug-of-war with him so TB was prepared to fight him. His approach was to be extremely persistent and patient, well, duh'. However, rather than me leaving the room or the apartment, TB wanted me to stay there and watch while he bottle-fed him and made sure that blueberry knows I was there. In the mean time, he'd say to him, "yes, mommy is here but you don't get the boobs. If you don't learn how to take the bottle, you will never get to suck on mommy's boobs again." Magically he listened and understood. The whole weekend he was eating off the bottle with no issue (and I hope I am not jinxing myself), which made us very proud. And I am also happy to report, he took down a good 4oz bottle from moi on Saturday night!!!

TB continues saying to him, while bottle-feeding him, that if he takes this bottle now, he will get rewarded with mommy's boobs in the next feed. I am telling ya, it really works.

Blueberry keeps setting new records which made us very proud, including sleeping 12 hours straight. Even though that only happened once so far, I'd like to know he has the potential. Honestly I really don't mind getting up in the middle of the night to feed him. For one, I don't want him to be hungry; two, my boobs are too full not to have the release.

Bottom line, the "courtesy day-off" really works. I need more of those please!


DearJulie

Good Friday??? Nooooooo.....

Good Friday??? Nooooo, it's GREAT Friday!

Today is my first "courtesy day-off", a term that I stole from a wise lady. Today, I don't have to breastfeed blueberry, I don't change blueberry's diapers, I don't play with blueberry, I don't hold blueberry, and I don't even have to talk to blueberry if I don't want to.

I have already scheduled myself a couple pampering appointments, nice quiet time walking around outside and shopping (thank goodness the weather is AWESOME), and I don't have to come home for as long as I want to.

But only today.

Nowadays my time is not mine, my boobs are not mine, foods I eat are not for me, water I drink is not for me, and my life is not mine.  Every day I scream inside of myself - I don't want this at all. But looking at this baby in front of me, I know I will never walk away. I can't and I won't. If anything is still mine, he is mine.

This mixed emotion, this battle, goes on every day. One minute I love being a mom, and the next I hate it. I could even hate it with a passion, like I have never hated anything like this before. Then again, I have never loved anything like this before.

See what I am talking about? And can you believe this kind of struggle with myself happens every fucking single day.

I am pissed, frustrated, and sad.

I am pissed that I feel stuck and trapped. I am pissed that I am not one who gets to go to work every day, like, leave the apartment without a baby. I am frustrated that this little monster refuses to take the bottle from me and he takes me for granted. I am sad that even he is with me every day, I feel lonely.

Why is it that the mothers always have the heaviest load of work? Why is it that the mothers always have to stay home? Why is it that the mother's life is completely ruined (Ok, fine, changed) since day one when the baby comes home from the hospital?

I thought I could do it all. I could work and take care of the baby, AND still take care of the husband. I thought I have no problem finding the balance in everything. I thought this mommyhood thing is easy breezy. I thought........

I hate how people tell me it's not easy job but I will feel rewarded in the end. Heck, I don't even think I have what it takes to make it to the end. I hate how those ladies just make it look so easy which gives me a false expectation.

I am my own person. Why do I have to change it once I become a mom? Why do I need to sacrifice anything because I give birth to a baby?

Mother, somehow has become one of my identities that even though I thought I could be certain mom, I can't. A mom is a mom, who just has to suck it up and take it. There is no easy path to this job. It's a full time job itself, with no pay and no benefit. But what about a career that I have always wanted? Like, a real one.

I used to despise all those stay-at-home moms because I didn't understand why they need to give up their career and life for this? Because I thought for them quitting being themselves they are jeopardizing the great revolution of feminism and whoever does that is my enemy. Because I am a feminist. Now I know, it's not true. Their choice should be highly regarded and respected. Being a mom, especially a stay-at-home one is a tough job.

However resentful I am, it won't change the fact that I am a mom, regardless I want to be or not. And my own identity has not been the same since the day I got married. That's also my choice. Of course, I can't take it back and I don't want to take it back. But you know, it's just hard not to be me.

I have to remind myself that I am no longer just me.

So now, I not only need to get used to being someone's wife, but also someone's mother. Sigh. I feel tired just to think about that.

The only person I can take it all out on is TB. He is very good at being a dad. I only wish he could also breastfeed him so that I don't have to. But today, the GREAT Friday, I'll give him a break.


DearJulie

A live or death problem

My blueberry is a breast-fed kid. He gets everything from me and me only. Lucky for him, his mom is quite an adventurist that she would eat anything and everything. Also, knowing that he eats whatever I eat, I particularly love experiment on things to eat just to see how he likes it or dislikes it.

It turned out, he can't do coffee - he will not be able to sleep at night. He also can't really do dairy products and it shows in his poops. However I still eat dairy but control the intake amount. Not that I want him to be sick, I don't want to become lactose-intolerant myself. He does enjoy wine with cold cuts a lot, Oh hell no, I don't pump and dump. This kid also really loves TB's cooking.

His weight gain is normal thus far for a breast-fed kid.

Ironically, my biggest frustration of raising this little monster has also been breastfeeding.

Earlier on, I got mastitis that was so painful that I almost wanted to chop my boob off. It was so painful that I couldn't feed him myself for almost a week. I was so worried about him not getting enough but I couldn't do anything. Finally after 10 days being on anti-biotic, I got better. We went back to regular feeding.

A couple weeks ago, I developed yeast infection that my nipple got super itchy and red and I was also in pain. I could feed him but I was very uncomfortable. He felt my frustration and I didn't think he was nursed well. I had to put some ointment to get rid of the infection and take him to the peds to make sure he didn't have thrush. This ordeal took a while and I accidentally let him suck on the boob that had the ointment on. Gross. He didn't like it at all.

And guest what! This week, I got some kick-ass milk production that the flow was non-stop and I couldn't stop it. It just keeps coming and coming....how I wish I got this much milk in the beginning when he couldn't get any and while I suffered from the clogged duct.

But, this has become a night mare. Too much let-down too fast is an issue? Oh hell yeh. You know how much? The milk was shooting out and it got all over his face. I am not even kidding. Nipples shooting out milk and got all over the boy's face? Oh ew, that sounds like porn. But it's nothing funny at all. Think about how you are put upside down chugging the keg from a tube? That's how he feels right now. He chokes himself all the time. As a result, he refuses the boobies. At first he would try clamping it down to stop the flow. When that's not successful, he would just turn his head away and totally not eat anymore.

I googled it and also asked the lactation consultant. Apparently, this is something both him and I have to adjust to and there is not really any trick to overcome it. I just have to change positions often, burp him often, and take a break often so that he does not choke.

He's never refused boobs like this and his feed time has gone down so much because he rather starve himself, he wouldn't want to choke. I don't blame him. Who would want an unpleasant feeding? And now I worry yet again if he is getting enough.

To make things worse, he does not take the bottle from me at all. Whenever I tried bottle feed him it's like a battle and I always lost. He is even more stubborn than his old man.

What to do? What to do?

I am getting help from my OB, lactation consultant, as well as another experienced mom. Dude, this might really take a couple weeks to solve the problem. God damit, I just want him to eat and enjoy eating.

Just thinking of whether my son is getting enough from me drives me crazy. I have to admit, I have never worried so much about anything. It feels like a life is depending on me and a life is totally depending on me.

Tell me it's not a live or death problem. I'd say yes.


DearJulie

No shaking the baby

What makes being a mom worthwhile is that I get to learn a little bit about my blueberry every day. Though at times, it drives me nuts that I don't know why he is crying and making a fuzz, I never want to shake or drop my baby. Phew...I might have that thought but I DIDN'T DO IT.

No depression whatsoever. It's just me being impatient. But, I am making progress.

He has a lot of fun cues, like he has a poop face, the sound he makes when he is hungry, the sound he makes when he is bored, the sound he makes when he is agreeing with me (Oh yes, he agrees with me), the face he makes when he needs to burp....and so on and on and on.

You know, if having a nanny to raise a kid, I'd never have figured these out. So I am glad I don't have one. Babysitter, on the other hand, might be needed soon.

He smiles at me when I am playing with him; he got excited when he sees TB home to change his diapers. He has a lot of emotions and he is also very vocal. He was definitely flirting with Auntie Melody the other night.

I am doing so much better with "getting things he wants" which I am pretty happy with myself. Blueberry is the Buddha coming to the world to teach me caring for others, being patient, being taken for granted of, and about life in general....though this part, I have not fully figured out, you know, like that unconditional love they always talk about.

However, I know I can only get better at this.

We are so lucky and blessed to have him in our family. We feel so much more devoted to each other and we feel so much in love with each other. He is making our family strong because, it's us three against the world.

Speaking of progress....

Blueberry is hitting all major milestones which makes me proud. However, there are still some that I think he is behind, like he still can't talk to me regardless how I ask him to say "mama" every day. Also, he can't walk and I can't wait to take him out for walks without pushing a carseat around. But, I MUST BE PATIENT!

On the other hand, I alwyas want to capture the moment he is making progress but I always miss. Darn it, my camera shutter is just not fast enough. And, I almost always forget to have a camerca closeby. I so missed the day he turned 1 month, and I missed the day he turned 2 months. I guess there is no bother for 3 months. Or, I just have to wait until he turns 1 year, which is an even greater progress, right?!

I also never did the baby announcement, even though I had the design idea in mind and I talked to my designer. Without a baby announcement, it's like my baby was never born. And of course, you know I am being sarcastic. No, I won't share the idea with you because I might use it for my 2nd baby.

Wow! second baby. Hahahaha....


DearJulie

Burn baby burn

Baby daddy said to blueberry: Mommy is going to the gym now so that she can get sexy again to make a little brother or sister for you!

How I appreciate TB's unconditional support!! He makes sure I have some "me" time so that I can go to the gym and I get to hit the gym almost every day now. Wow!! I couldn't even imagine because 2 months ago, I didn't think I would be able to do so this easily knowing that schedules would be all crazy. He loves babysitting while playing video game or watching any Michigan game. That's actually the only time the TV would be on. No, we won't let blueberry watch TV.

Going to the gym truly me makes me feel alive again. Well, not that my life is bad. I am still trying to adjust to the mommyhood one day at a time so bear with me if I sometimes sound very negative. It might be the reason why I am short, according to baby daddy.

As I am trying to work out all the fat and calories, I am, at the same time, worrying about how to maintain enough calories to produce milk. Good thing is that my son has been gaining weight so whatever I am doing, should be the right thing, though I am not really losing weight. BUMMER! This is some hard work I have to say even though my diet has been very healthy.

Sometimes healthy diet is not how I can produce the most milk. So I let myself eat more, more often, and eat desserts, which rarely happened before if you know me - I am not much of a sweet tooth. Even though I have to work extra hard to get back to the perfect shape and this process might take longer than I expect because of breastfeeding, my first priority now is definitely to feed my son. Hey, don't I sound like a good mom!

Spring is around the corner. I am giving myself more time than I would before to get into shape. I am currently holding out for buying new clothes (and shoes. I think my shoe size is back to before).

Today at the gym I was looking at myself in the mirror as I was doing dead lifts, I saw the resemblance of blueberry and me. This makes me happy. He is really my son!


DearJulie

Women with a stroller

I love pushing blueberry out in a stroller. Actually, I would much prefer to carry him in a sling but it's still cold outside and he is too young to be carried like that....

The true reason that I love pushing him out in a stroller is, I want to be out of the apartment. We have been out almost every day sometimes twice a day, rain or shine. We need to do it twice a day because his window of being out is short - feeding schedule is still every 2-3 hours. But hey, I don't mind getting in and out and repeat as long as I am out.

People were OK nice to me when I was pregnant and huge. And now, however, people are super nice to me when I push a stroller on the street. I mean, I am friendly looking in general and I'd like to smile at people when walking in the neighborhood, so I don't mind them being nice to me. It's nice to have strangers holding the doors for me, stopping the traffic so that I can cross the street safely (and ti was still green light), giving me the best seat in the restaurant, and not cutting in line in front of me.

No wonder women in this neighborhood feel very entitled when then push a stroller. They don't look you in the eyes and they look above your head (does it make sense?). Because they are spoilt by nice people.

Yes, a stroller is one of a woman's best accessories, other than a good-looking husband.

That's exactly why those ladies love pushing the BMW or Mercedez' grade strollers. I only learned these terms when one of the ladies from my mommygroup asked me which stroller I am getting and excitedly showed me hers and wanted me to test-drive it. The suspension and wheels did feel different.

Hm...I don't have a "real" stroller yet. Blueberry is still in the carseat and I push him around with the Graco thingy. But is it really worth it getting a the ultimate driving machine stroller? I have no idea.

Anyways...

It looks like blueberry likes to be outside, just like me. He always sleeps soundly in the careseat. Though I would very much want him to open his eyes and look at the outside world and people. Maybe he knows he is being outside with the surrounding noise, the sometimes nasty street smell, and the sound of traffic and car horns. I wonder if the real world is the same as he imagined, or, he simply just does not care. So far I know for sure he likes meeting new people, just like his mom!

Yeah I know, he's like me in a lot of ways. But you have no idea how much more he is like his daddy and it's almost scary...


DearJulie

Selfless

I am always the first to admit how selfish I am, as a daughter, as a wife, as a friend, and as a person in general. When I was pregnant, I was perhaps the most selfish mom-to-be ever since I worried only for myself, did things only for myself and I am not sure if it's a good idea that my kid might get to read all the previous blog posts in the future, you know, when he can read.

I was almost so certain that I will be a very selfish mom.

Things are changing. Not that I am not selfish anymore. It's more like, with blueberry around, I don't have time to be a bit selfish.

I can't just go to the gym, go running whenever I want.
I can't just go to buy bubble tea whenever I want.
I can't just go hang out with friends whenever I want.
I can't just sleep whenever I want.
I can't have date nights with TB whenever I want.

I can't even eat when it's meal time, like how I want it.

Life is different now. I have a baby to take care of. He is the priority over myself so I now do everything with him, for him, and around him. Believe it or not, I have become the most accommodating person in the world, if you know how demanding a baby is. I know I am not the only one who has a baby but it's my first time having a baby. I have the right to be very proud of myself.

Moms are supposed to be selfless.

It definitely takes a baby to transform someone like me to be a mom, a good one. At least that's the goal I set for myself. I want to be a good mom. Since I am always so good at what I do and I want to do, I am sure it's not too difficult to become a good mom. I also have the best "teacher" by my side to teach me how to become one.

Thanks to blueberry.

Being selfish is for my own happiness. Being a good mom will result in a wonderfully happy baby; I am happy if my blueberry is happy, so being a good mom is also for my own happiness. Not sure if it makes any logical sense, but that's what I think.

Therefore, freedom is overrated. Blueberry owns me now.


DearJulie

No time to blog

It has been 6 weeks that I became a mother to a little monster - he is perfect in every way.  It also has been the longest 6 weeks in my life that it really felt like forever. Is that a good thing or bad the fact that life feels long and endless?

Speaking of life, I have no life (to myself). Everything I do I have to plan around blueberry. I sometimes couldn't poop because I don't have the time to sit on the toilet because whenever I have time, I sleep. Thus no time for blogging. Maybe it's because I am so new to this mommyhood thing that I need to work on my "mommy time management". Seriously, there are a lot of things that I used to do on a daily basis, my usually daily routine, I can't do them anymore. I can't clean the apt, I can't take the trash out, I can't do dishes, I can't even fix myself something to eat while hungry. Well, and whenever I do eat, I feel like I need to swallow everything in the shortest amount of time possible. Food does not taste the same anymore. Eating feels like a chore so that I can produce enough milk to feed blueberry.

All your mommies there would probably think: dude, why are you whining? It's all very normal and you will get used to it.

The problem is, I love myself too much to "get used to it". Sometimes I do feel very resentful that I wish I could make a return but there is no return policy and no one ever returns a baby, right? But I know there should not be hate. I am still full of love for blueberry.

This time I need to suck it up and make changes. What I can do now is to get my life in a new order, new routine. My life is on a 2 hrs segment and that's how I should be planning for.

What a positive thinking!! Very not DearJulie like....it's ok, I will try to get used to it.

On the brighter side (well, there are all bright sides), I started running and resuming my (new) gym routine. Training won't be as easy as before because of the time constrain but I will make it work. TB and I kindda figured out how we can rotate going to the gym and watching blueberry. I definitely feel so much more energy and I feel great about myself. Now, I just have to find time to get mani-pedi, massage and all my grooming sessions.

Still sleep deprived, I am hanging in there.

DearJulie

One month

My little blueberry is not little anymore. He reached full one month today (but his one month "birthday" is  tomorrow). The first full month is so important because "back in the days", when Chinese people were poor and didn't have advanced medicine, and not even clean drinking water or nutritious food, babies hardly survived the first month. That's why they wouldn't make any birth announcement until one month because they didn't want to jinx.

That's also the reason why my mom didn't allow visitors the first month. I had to tell friends "no" when they wanted to come meet my son. Well, you can say that's a tradition, I'd say it's a superstition.

Now I think about it. Maybe it's the best that we didn't have visitors the first month because our apartment has been a mess. No one really had the time to clean and tidy things up. All the free hands and time were dedicated to this little blueberry monster who eats, sleeps, poops, and pees whenever he wants.

Finally, he is one month and he is still healthy and breathing. I guess I did everything right.

In lieu of the birth announcement, here's his newborn photo session for all of you who would like to share our joy and happiness.

But you wouldn't see our frustration and puffy eyes with dark circles. That's OK. We save that for our own amusement.

Note: I had a lot of fun doing the photos but I didn't think Miles liked it that much. He thought I was vain to put him in a polka dots outfit and a ridiculously silly hat. A true manly man can pull off any outfit and polka dots are definitely gender-neutral.

It's still surreal to be a mom. Everyday I am in shock of how crazy it is to have a little person in my household. Somehow I am always searching for my motherly instinct to kick in so that I can feel more natural with caring for a baby. Maybe it is not there? Or is it a skill to be developed and learned?

How do all other moms do it? How are they being so comfortable and at ease with their babies?

I am damn proud of my own creation that's out of question. I catch myself smiling at him and talking to him in a disgustingly soft voice to let him know how much I love him and how he is my "heart liver baby" (心肝寶貝) whom I would do everything for. But does he understand any of it? And will he ever?

Sometimes I don't think he does understand unless he is looking for the boobs. Speaking of which, breastfeeding has been going OK until I got Mastitis last week. It was extremely painful and I was crying all night because of the pain and frustration, and it hurt so much that I passed out. When I woke up again, I was still in pain. I kindda got scarred from breastfeeding and wondered if my blueberry and I are a good match when it comes to nursing. We had to stop for 3 days while I could only pump only a little with the swollen red hot boob that I just wanted to cut off.

Then once the pain passed, I went back to breastfeeding him again because I feel terrible not being able to do so. Would that be considered a motherly instinct?

Sigh, I knew I wouldn't be a good mom, but blueberry got no other choice but me. So I guess I have to learn how to be better.


DearJulie

The ordeal

* After reading this blog entry, you might think that I am a spoilt brat who does not appreciate. But I really only need to vent it all out at once....so bear with me.

"Sit the month" literally means to be confined for a month (30 days), and it's some kind of serious ordeal. Of course, if you are truly old old fashion, you'd probably do it up to 40 days. I can't do that.

I can't tell you how many pork livers and kidneys that I have eaten for the last two weeks because I already lost track of it. Yes, I have only finished two weeks of confinement and there are two more weeks to go. (I think) The liver and kidney diet came to an end and starting this week, it's all chicken soup in sesame oil and ginger.

The above ingredients are the must-have every day. The meals do consist of basic veggies (green, root and whatever), rice and/or noodles (fine skinny noodles with, you guessed it, in sesame oil and ginger), eggs, some kind of soy stuff, fish (in soup), spare ribs (in soup), pork shank/feet (in soup). There are also two snacks/dessert a day with different kinds of sweet soup: white wood ears with lotus seed, peanut and yam soup, taro and yam soup, red bean and barley soup, corn meal with dry plum, black sesame sweet soup to name a few. Of course, menus change daily, not the basic the ingredients of ginger, sesame oil, ginseng, goji berry, and some other herbal stuff I couldn't name coz I don't know what they are. To be brutally honest I am so very sick of eating them. They don't taste bad, I just have had too much.

TB is a sport. He eats with me because the portion is pretty big. My mom said it's big because "back in the days" the husbands have to be fed too. "They can't cook in the kitchen you know", said my mom. Why? Because they are male? What a bullshit. There are a lot of things my mom said.

A lot of the food is to help post-partum recovery and to help gain the energy back. With c-section, there will be another set of special food you eat, but I am lucky I don't have to eat those things to "heal the wound". My issue at first was the milk production, so my mom made me eat Young Papaya Spare Rib soup and Peanut and pork shank/feet soup (the ones with a thick layer of pork skin on them. I actually like it.). I am not sure if they really worked or it was about time for my milk to come in. After 2-3 days eating them, my milk came in, a lot of it.

There are also things to eat to get rid of the extra blood in the uterus, mom called it the "the dirty dew", and to drink a kind of black bitter herbal soup called "shen hua tung", which is an herbal anti-inflammatory; there are things to eat to prevent hair loss, called "he sho wu" that's cooked in soup.

I don't want to jinx myself and I don't want to doubt that those things/methods don't work. So far, my blood loss has been going with a good pace and no cramps at all and I don't notice any hair loss.

Granted, I still take my prenatal vitamin and D and DHA. So hopefully they are working in my system too. Wham Bam - I bet they didn't have these kinds of vitamins back in the days!

A great thing about the confinement meals, and the only thing, is that I have lost a lot of excess water and shed a lot of weight to fit into my old clothes, including jeans and those extra small jeggins, though not quite back to before the pregnancy state, it's a matter of a stricter diet and workout which will start after the first month. Simple reason for the weight loss - all the foods are not flavored, meaning no salt and very minimal oil, other than the sesame oils for its healing and nutritious purpose. The food has enough calories to make up for breastfeeding.

We will see what the coming two weeks have in store for me, food wise.

I did, however, ask TB to cook steak for me for dinner tonight since I feel that I need extra more protein and energy that I have now - you know, the lack of sleep and constantly being paranoid about what happens to blueberry. How funny I ask to eat beef and I didn't even touch beef before I met TB...And I bet they didn't have steak dinners once a while back in the days.

Mom said, back in the days....

I know I am a very lucky person to have mom here help me for the first mom. I flew her here mainly because I didn't want her to miss the opportunity of bonding with my son and I know she'd appreciate it. However, because me and mom have such a close relationship, we also butt-head a lot, like a lot. She does things for me and the baby and I know she means well. But sometimes, her methods drive me crazy. The whole traditional confinement is her idea (well maybe I did want it too) and she insists that I follow the old school practice, or "Don't let me say I told you so when you have all sorts of physical problems when older", she threatened me.

She knows that it's hard to convince me to do things, I am the most rebellious daughter she ever had, well, and I am the only daughter she has, so she'd always start her sentence with "back in the days" to show the credibility of anything she says so that I'd listen. There are things I do and can't do based on what she says. Let me make a list:

No leaving the apartment

She said that because after giving birth, all the pores on my body are wide open. Therefore I can't go out because "the air is cold". I can't let cold air coming into my body since it will cause issues with bones and muscles pain, as well as headache. However, doctor's appointments are exceptions because she didn't know how to respond to this since "women back in the days didn't have doc's appointments"...

Lying down flat and not move as much as possible, if not 24/7

She said I should be lying down 24/7. But the fact that I have to breastfeed, this is impossible. So she lets me breastfeed. Oh yes, she would have advise against it. She reminds me to "go lie down" whenever she sees me walking around. Her argument is that my organs have been rearranged before and after delivery so lying flat on the bed will help them go back to their original place. Well, I use belly bandit for that same reason.

No watching TV/computer; no reading for that matter

She said that my eyes are also the weakest after delivery. Any activity that requires using my eyes is prohibited. But back in the days, who had TV/computer?

No shower and no washing hair for the first month

She said no shower and no washing hair for the same reason that the pores on my body are open so any cold air that goes in will affect my internal organs, bones and muscles. Well, back in the days they didn't have central air/heat, hot water or blowdryers, duh!!

No lifting, including holding the baby

She said lifting is not allowed, not even holding the baby because a post-partum body just could not take that kind of extra weight on. But, but, really?

No touching or drinking cold water

She originally said drinking (tap) water is not even allowed, I have to drink hot soup and boiled water. So not drinking and touching (washing hands) in cold water also because of all the pores on body are open. She didn't even let me wash dishes. Hey, I'll take that.

No drinking tap water. All drinking water has to be boiled first

She was going to buy cases of rice wine to distill them into water for me to drink. I was like, huh?! What the heck is that? She said that's the only water I could drink. She was in disbelief when we drink water out of the tap. Luckily I have a water boiler. She finally said OK to drink water from the water boiler. Alcohol distilled water?

 List can go on but these are some of the ridiculous ones.

She would make certain things for me to eat and tell me, "you have to eat it" without explaining to me why. And sometimes when I looked up, there are doctors (yes, Chinese ones) who would advise against it for some legit and/or scientific reasons. When I told her that, she would get offended and said "I used to eat these and I am fine. And you just have to eat it because every woman eats it." She is so wrong about every woman but then again, if you understand Chinese language, you'd understand the way she says it is only to express how common the practice is, I get that. But, they are wrong too. Since I don't live in "back in the days", I refuse to follow the rules to the core and 100%. She got pissed. In the end we had to negotiate a lot of terms and conditions.

Whenever I ask for a reason why she asks me to do certain things, she'd say "I don't know the reason or theory but it's part of the ancient Chinese wisdom that has been passed down." How convincing is that! She would also add "it's not just for your own good, it's for your baby too." Well, if she goes there, what else can I say.

By the way, there are things I can't do to baby either: baby can't go out in public, well, duh; baby can't have visitors other than close family members before one month is up; baby can't play with mirrors (it was a toy thing that came with the play mat); and we can't say good things about the baby in front of the baby....

Well, well, this is the kind of confinement I am doing. I hate it, as much and more than I hate being pregnant. However, I do know she means well and she only wants what's the best for me.

Sigh, mom is the unbearable lightness in my life. She lives in a world that's so different from mine and I just can't change her mind about a lot things. She gets frustrated not being able to make me see what she sees and I share that frustration too. In the end, I still love her and respect her.

Because of her constant reminders, I actually get to sleep a lot during the day while she helps taking care of blueberry. Blueberry loves it when grandma holds him. The rest is definitely much needed to get me through all the long night parties.

I can't wait when blueberry is one month old.


DearJulie

Unfit mother

I am an unfit mother "oh shock face"!

I slept through blueberry's cries a couple times at night and didn't even know how long he has been crying until I finally woke up to check him. That might also be the reason why I thought he sleeps longer than he actually does. So he sometimes starves at night because of me.

I went to get a pedicure/manicure and came home to a wailing baby. He was starving because the walking milk factory went missing. He starves because of me.

Seriously! What kind of mother am I who even dares not to hover around her baby 24/7 just to make sure he is being carefully taken care of?!

My own mother seems to think that I am unfit to be a mom. She scolded me for that and I was so pissed, well at myself, of course. I felt so bad and so guilty.

Oh yes, it's like I committed some kind of crime.

TB made me feel better by saying that blueberry is a boy and needs to be toughened up a bit. Maybe? But he is after all a newborn. A good mother should really be around each step of the way to watch him and to accompany him.

Sigh....


DearJulie

Road to recovery

Have you seen elephant feet before? Let me show you:

Heck yeah! That's what my feet looked like after I gave birth. I got none of these edema crap throughout pregnancy but at the very last day, it found me. The nurse said that because I was on IV and all the liquid went down to the limps. My wrists and fingers were puffy too. Sorry about this image but I had to take a photo of it - I have never seen my body do this trick before. Now I know what my potential is.

Well, I don't know if the confinement meals (月子餐) did any trick or the red bean+barley soup, This is what my feet looked like day 5 after delivery:


See! It's all better, almost normal. I elevated my legs almost every day for at least 1 hr. And then elevated more when I go to sleep. Whatever works, I'd try it. And yes, I can finally see my ankles again!

Body discomfort is catching up on me especially the part that got stitched up. Did I mention that I teared 1 degree and doctor had to stitched me up? Oh yeah. My vajaijai is not going to be the same anymore. But again, I now know I can handle a 8 lbs baby.

I am on Tylenol everyday to ease the pain but it burns a lot every time I pee. My bowel movement has been.....hm, moving, but it takes a lot of effort to feel comfortable. I walk funny. So I guess it's good that I am being confined that I can't go anywhere.

I strapped on the belly bandit from day one, 24/7 except for when I shower and eat/digest. Result is good. My belly button went back in; the excess skin/fat from carrying the baby is noticeable but only about 2.5 inches pinch away from flat; I actually saw my 2 packs (out of 6, which was the norm before pregnant). I won't be able to go back to the gym for another 5 weeks or so. But I have been just doing crunches and stretches at home, well I meant, I have to do more. We'll see what that will do to my body, though, I do miss high intensity cardio and weight lifting a lot.

I weighted in 165lbs prior to giving birth, I am at 138lbs this morning (day 8). I am not sure if it's a good progress but at least it's a good start for me to work on. This thing takes patience and effort. I am determined to not even go back to the shape I was before, but better and toner.

The road to recovery is going to be a long one, at least I am giving myself some time to heal the body trauma before I can really focus on getting back in shape. I have a plan and I think it will work.


DearJulie

Blueberry's Birthday Part II

*This blog entry is for my own purpose to preserve all the great memory when my blueberry was born. As always, I have some thoughts and opinions about certain things and here's the part where I praise or bitch about some things and people.

TB

My husband, the love of my life before my son arrived, is still the love of my life. He has been extremely supportive, helpful, loving, caring and wonderfully involved in the process throughout pregnancy and until the day blueberry was born. I am not bragging but I really do not think any of any woman in the world has a better husband than mine. The only way you will know is to make him your husband, but sorry, I am not sorry, he is mine.

I do not think I could ever do this without him. He was so nervous on the arrival that he forgot to pack a couple things in the due date bag - this would have never happened in our household. He just dose not forget things. And then the lack of sleep totally caught up as it got close to the delivery time. However, he was holding himself up for me and the baby.

He asked me last night if I saw him cut the umbilical cord. I was so surprised and happy. Surprised because he didn't want to cut the cord before; happy because I love the idea he did. That's the kind of experience I wanted him to take home with forever and ever. That's the privilege of a proud dad.

I am not sure if he cried but I am sure he was just as emotional as I was, and this time, he showed so much of it. He told me how he was so worried that things could go wrong during L&D to me and/or the baby and he couldn't imagine if that ever happened. But then he said "this is also the reason why I chose this hospital because they are the best."

Our family is big now - there are three of us. Hey TB, we might need to consider moving to a bigger apartment soon! :)

Hospital

I like my hospital because I love love and love the nursing staff and doctors. My first hand experience with them has been wonderful and I could not praise them more. They take so great care of moms and babies and even though I didn't get to get a private room (because it is first come first serve basis and remember, there was a "baby rush" the day I delivered?), I didn't feel the experience is being discounted. One night of private room is $750. I spent 2 nights there, that'd be a nice handbag. So yeah, I choose a handbag any day over my own comfort.

If you know where I deliver and if you are going to deliver there soon, please note that the Chanel bag is in back-ordered since Christmas. You need to call them back for one. They check names to see who gets it or not so you should still be able to get one. I need to call them soon too.

Miles was in the CCN (Continuous Care Nursery) for both nights because of the anti-biotic. I thought I missed the opportunity rooming in with the baby but it turned out to be a wonderful thing. I got to catch up on my sleep and I only needed to go into the nursery whenever they call me in for feedings. The nurses were all very good at coaching me how to breastfeed and Miles and I got to learn the tricks together which was a lot of fun, even though I got really frustrated not being able to produce any milk while in the hospital. I think I cried twice because I thought I was starving my son. I think Miles liked staying there, he was in an incubator and he loved that it was so warm and cozy.

I will give this hospital a 4.5 stars. The half star off was for the Chanel bag I have not got.

Epidural

I thought about going natural without intervention in the beginning. I changed my mind soon after that. I never got my ears pierced for the same reason - my pain tolerance is not high, actually, low. The school of thought about how going natural without an intervention will compromise the bonding between the mom and the baby is a total bullshit. The fact is that epidural is safe for the baby and that's all I need to know to make a decision.

Like I said, I am a selfish person. Why would I want to go through hell just to have a baby? OK FINE! I will go through hell for Miles for sure, but that's only after I met him.

I appreciated some friends' advice against epidural and tried convincing me to watch videos and read books about it so that I will not go with an epidural. No offense but I respect your decision and I do not need a lecture on how much pain I should endure or not. If there would be no pain giving birth, that's the route I'd take. End of discussion.

And because of epidural, Miles might really get a chance to have siblings.

Again, I 100% respect (though don't understand) but don't even really applaud anyone's decision not having an epidural. If you did it, great. I wouldn't think it's the most courageous act in the world, I only think it's silly. And if you are still very gun-ho about not having an epidural, I'd be interested to see if you really pull through. Best luck and hope you do pull through. Better not jinx.

By the way, the only video I watched was the birthing video played at the class and it prepared me very well already and I decided then I do not need to watch anymore videos.

Lamaze and all the techniques to relief pain

The childbirth class we took during pregnancy was a 6-hr class that covers everything. That said, it did cover Lamaze but probably for about 30-45 minutes. The rest is all about practice at home. So we did practice a lot, sometimes as a joke because the breathing technique just feels funny to me. For a while, TB and I did "he-he-hu" for fun whenever we were bored.

Let me tell me, Lamaze did shit for me. It didn't work for me at all.

I did using breathing technique to get me through contractions but not Lamaze. It's my own breathing technique that worked for me. I ditched Lamaze and did whatever felt the most natural when it came to breathing and it was the best way to do it for myself because I know my body and my own rhytm the best. Just like how I breathe through a heavy lower body training and cardio exercise, I coached myself breathing through contractions.

And then there is massage. All the books will say bring a massage ball and massage oil. Let the partner massage you to get you through pain and all while having contractions or in between contractions to relief the tension.

What happened to me was, when contractions hit or in between contractions, I just wanted to be left alone. I did not want my body to be touch in any ways. TB didn't even need to massage me which he didn't mind at all.

I did take several hot shower before hospital and in between hospital runs. Hot shower was the only thing that did the trick to relax myself and relieve pain.

My suggestion is that, do whatever makes you the most comfortable. The books are not always correct to predict your situations.

Birthday

We originally thought Miles would arrive on 1/4. TB and I were not very keen on that idea and secretly hoping that he wouldn't be born on the 4th because there was a "4" in it. Don't get me wrong, I am sure 1/4 is a good day if it's your birthday, but we are Chinese, we are superstitious. And based on this year's Farmer's Calender - the Chinese calendar that gives your prediction of the fortune or things to do and not do every day, 1/4 was not all that great. What can you do? In the end we just said to ourselves that baby will pick his own birthday and we are OK with it.

Not only did he not pick 1/4, he came out before 4 o'clock in the morning (3:58). TB was very proud of our little man for picking a great day and time for his birthday.




DearJulie

Blueberry's Birthday Part I

*I feel the need to write this blog entry for my own purpose - I want to forever remember this day. It's only my personal experience and opinion.

It has been a crazy nine months of pregnancy. Well, "crazy", I guess in a good way. I hated being pregnant and I don't think I will ever change my mind about it. However, when I finally reached the finish line and lay eyes on my little blueberry, my heart melt. Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't believe a little person really came out of me.

They said it is the most amazing experience in life. I agree.

As you all know that I call my kid "blueberry" throughout the nine months, but you might not know why blueberry. TB thinks that my fobby accent sounds funny when I pronounce blueberry, and it kindda just stuck and I started calling the baby in my belly, blueberry. Next time you see me, ask me to say "blueberry" and you'd know.

As I use this blog to document the experience, I definitely will not skip the very last part. So here.

Late arrival

Blueberry was late. I was very much annoyed as well as worried. I was too big to carry my own body which made me even more resentful; I was worried that he is getting too big and I wouldn't be able to push him out. However, with a birth plan, I still tried telling myself I should be prepared for anything that could happen at that moment. My priority is to make sure my blueberry is healthy.

Original due date was Saturday, 12/29. I started getting all the messages and calls from friends and family who care so much about us, asking if the baby has arrived yet. Even the nail salon lady asked me about it. All the attention made me actually feel embarrassed to even be pregnant passed New Year. This kid is really a Lam boy, doing things with his own pace.

After a couple non-stress tests, I went in to my yet another doctor's appointment. My doctor was making fun of how I am still hanging around. I was about 4 cm dilated by Thursday, 1/3, checked at the doctor's office. We made a plan of getting induced on Saturday, 1/5. Doctor said "call me that morning at 8:30am. I'll let you know if it's busy or not to come in". Apparently a lot of people schedule c-sections or inductions.

I was mentally preparing myself for an induction and I started looking up Pitoxin. I didn't like that idea. It seems like the contractions come more intensely and the pain level is higher and all. Anyways. I wouldn't know.

L&D

On Thursday, 1/3, the same day of the very last doctor's appointment everything was fine until around 10pm. I started having funny feelings in the belly. It's like menstrual cramps that I used to have when I was in high school. Doctor always said that when it's a real thing I'd know. But at this point, I still wasn't sure. After discussing with TB, we decided regardless what it was, we should go to sleep to reserve the energy.

I was able to fall asleep and not wake in the middle of night so I thought, eh, it's nothing. By 4:30am, the cramps started having patterns and I felt alert. I pulled out my smartphone that has a contractions tracker app that I downloaded previously and started timing. By the way, this is a great app for any pregnant ladies who will need one.

We got up, showered, ate, packed up, and out the door by 6am. Hm why did it sound like we take a long time to get ready in a moment like this? I guess we did huh. TB was a little freaking out as I can see that he was running around but not being able to get things done. I told him to calm down. He said, yeah, please keep reminding me to calm down. The truth is, I was a little happy that this day finally came and I got nothing to freak out about.

We got to the hospital in 3 minutes - the advantage of living so close to my hospital and I guess that's another reason why we were ok to take out time. Contractions have been hitting with great patterns. Once we got to the L&D floor, it was pretty busy because we had to wait to get checked in. They wanted us to wait at the waiting lounge but I wasn't able to walk back there, so I was just panting (kindda) at the reception desk. 

The couple before us frigging took forever to answer all the questions from the nurse. They even had some serious discussion. I purposely asked aloud "what the heck is taking so long?" It sounded like they scheduled an induction and that lady was not fucking in pain at all. Anyways. We finally got admitted and went into the triage for checkup and monitoring. Contractions were still manageable especially now I was lying down.

They finally checked me and suggested that I should take a walk to fasten the labor since I was only still 4cm dilated. The PA suggested that we walk around in the hospital to help the labor process but knowing that we live close by, she suggested that we go home. I think they just didn't want us to occupy the delivery room, which I understand.

I did walk. I walked to the ultra sound department to cancel my non-stress test appointment since, I really didn't need it anymore, and I needed to walk. There was a preggo lady walking pass me and went to the elevator. She fucking saw me but when I finally got to the elevator in the state of contractions, she shut the door. So I yelled "THANKS FOR NOT WAITING". Granted I knew I'd see her fucking ugly Indian fart face in the ultra sound. She looked terrified when she saw me. She probably thought I would go over to punch her face, which I thought about doing.

We went home after that and went to sleep - we were already sleep deprived and we just wanted to save upenergy for whatever is coming our way. It took me a while to fall asleep because the contractions are hitting more intensely now. When we woke up again, it was about 1pm.  I tried walking up and down the stairs and back and forth in the living room several times and had to sit down. We decided to have something light to eat and head back to the hospital.

Once we got to the hospital, it was so obvious that I am a woman in labor, people stopped to ask if I was ok and offered to get a wheel chair. Well, I was able to walk so I walked, but I needed to stop and grabbed on to TB's hands when contractions hit.

We got to the L&D floor just in time for the "baby rush".  A line at check-in and a line to wait for the triage. They asked me to wait at the visitors lounge. Seriously? Like, in the lobby? Well, I guess everything at this point is worth the wait especially my son was already 6 days late.

I tried walking back and forth more; I asked TB to get food for himself; and I waited more. At this point, the contractions were somewhat bearable but I had to pant through them each time. But still, not to the point I'd need to moan or even scream. One hour and 45 minutes later, we finally got the triage room. The first question asked was if I wanted epidural. Before the PA even finished the question, I said yes, hit me up with however much epidural you could. Apparently, if you said no at this point, they would send you home again. Dude, I am in serious labor and I ain't leaving the hospital until I get this baby out of me.

From the moment I asked for epidural and they said we will do it right away. They hooked me on IV right away alright. But, I didn't get to the delivery room and epidural until two more hrs later. During this time, the contractions started becoming no joke. I was so looking forward to epidural. When I actually got the epidural, it was another hr later. The process was kindda intense because I was so worried that the administration of epidural would fail and that my body anatomy works differently that epidural wouldn't work for me as I have heard of some horror stories before. However everything went well. Epidural started kicking in about 5 minutes I got it and I didn't feel the pain of contractions but only the pressure from inside of my belly. Praise the lord.

Not sure if I was too drugged up but I did remember saying to TB that epidural is so amazing that I can easily have more babies. Oh my! That did not sound like me but I know I said it.

After epidural, I fell asleep. Not sure how long of time passed but at this point, it's all about waiting. Doctor came in and said that it looks like we are having a baby some time close to midnight. We were excited. We even got to watch Miami Heat playing against whichever team to kill time.

Doctor broke my water at 7pm. By midnight, I was about 8-9cm dilated. Doctor said she will come back in about a couple hrs and we for sure will have a baby. This time it's for real.

It's pass midnight and it's the morning of 1/5. The staff came in again at 3:30ish am. Unlike all the baby story shows on TLC, where they always have several nurses, doctor, residence, family members, doula alike of people in the delivery room. In my delivery room, there was one nurse and one doctor, TB and I and I like it simple and quiet. How easy was it! The nurse and doctor coached me through the pushing process and it was essentially the same thing taught at the childbirth class, which I have been practicing with TB at home several time. I feel that I am very ready.

I started pushing as doctor said she already saw baby's head. When it was time to push, I really gather all my energy to push as each time contraction hit. I am glad all the years of training, workout and all paid off. It was not too hard for me. Though, the holding the breath part was not the easiest because even though I am a good swimmer, I don't hold breath for too long.

When the baby crowned, the doctor asked if I would like to feel baby's hair. I said no. Now I think about it, I kindda regreted saying no. I mean, that's a once in a life time experience by itself you know.

The pushing process literally lasted for 20 minutes (*TB corrected that he remembered I pushed for about 15 minutes or so but I didn't think it was quite realistic. He said "you only pushed 4 times remember?"). I don't have anything to compare to but doctor did make a remark of how we didn't have to do this for an hour. Is it normal to do that for an hour? I am not sure if I like that idea.

I could feel it when the head came out, and then the shoulders, body and the rest just came gushing out. The doctor pulled the baby out of me and showed it right in front of my eye. At the moment, I was so happy that I felt tears on my face - I knew I'd be this emotional. TB was all joy that he was kindda not knowing what to do. Doctor said this is when you get your camera out. He had to struggle to find it. It was so cute to look at. He followed the Pediatrician to clean the baby. I heard the loud cry and baby is health. TB took some photos and they were precisou - our very first family portraits. I'd like to share with you in a separate photo album later to come.

The only thing was that I had a minor fever during L&D so for a precautionary purpose, I was on anti-biotic and they suggested that baby should be on anti-biotic. I let the professional do the decision as long as it's for the baby.

My baby has all 10 fingers and 10 toes and he is healthy. He was born on January, 5th, 2013 at 3:58am, weighing in 8 lbs and 20 inches. We name him Miles Chien-You (乾祐) Lam. I call him Yo-Yo (祐祐) as a pet name, like Yo-Yo Ma, you know, but of course different characters in Chinese

The kind of amazingness is truly more than words to describe and yes, you have to experience for yourself to know. I was a non-believer and now, I believe. Now I think about all the moments on that very day, I still have tears in my eyes. Every detail is going to be so vivid for the rest of my life.

I am not ashamed to say that I was almost too resentful throughout the pregnancy because I am a selfish person, I care only myself and I think it's perfectly awesome. My life was awesome, my husband is awesome. I didn't see a point to change any of that. And then baby came along. I wrote down all my thoughts during the 9 months. Crazy or not, I know for sure I offended people a lot but I do not really care - you must be very insecure to even feel offended by anything I say, so it's your problem, not mine.

My L&D was only my own experience and since I can not compare it to anyone else's or anything even remotely close to it, please don't expect the same things that will happen to you. You will definitely have a different experience than mine especially when it comes to medical related procedures. And when you do, I am sure it is going to be a-ma-zing!!!


DearJulie