Approaching the light at the end of the tunnel. But I don't see the light.

I was told by almost everyone I encountered, from doctor to random strangers at the bagel shop, that "baby will come any time now" at least since 3 weeks ago. And I am still hanging out here. This little guy is just chilling and getting comfortable in the belly. Well, I am very and super OK with it because it's a very Lam thing to do - we care shit about what other people think we should do. The influence starts in the womb. Muahahahaha.

The thing is, I am not even due and at doctor's appointment today, she started using the word "induce", which turned me off a lot. My doctor is actually on vacation so today I saw the other doctor in the same practice, who is, hm, Chinese, with a poor bedside manner. Not that I have problem with her but just things she said and the way she said it kindda stressed me out. For one, she asked me to take my pants off while the nurse still in the room and the doctor didn't even leave the room for me to take my pants off.

As if I am not already stressed, another thing she said was "Oh, it might be a big baby, I think at least 8 lbs". Doctor was like "I can feel the baby and your belly is all baby, nothing else. I really think it's going to be 8 lbs. It might be hard for you to push."

How encouraging was she!

Just so you know, an 8 pounder is huge for the kind of built I am. My vajayjay might not even be able to stretch like that and I might need a cut, and the cut might not be stitched back well, and I might end up leaking for the rest of my life. I am fucked!

Great. I might be not only induced, but also cut open. I knew the birth plan would jinx myself.

I AM NOT SURE IF I CAN HANDLE A BIG BABY. Heck, I don't want an obese baby. Obesity is the whole problem of the health care system and knowing that I might be contributing to the cause of the problem, this is crushing me. Arghhhh....

Well, and about my progress....so far none. I know I am so close but the light at the end of the tunnel is not in sight just yet. Like I said, The Lams always has our own pace with things so I am not too concerned. As long as blueberry is a healthy baby, I will be happy. Though, I do wish things could be more predictable so that I can make plans, like dinner plans and hot dates with baby daddy. God knows when I will be able to do that freely.



DearJulie

I want my body back

The post-partum care is so important that it will determine whether or not your body will recover to the prime as it was before the pregnancy. That's why I believe in the confinement practice and I swear by it even though I have not done it yet.

Of course, the food consumption should be regulated. The resting is the most important part of the practice.

Other than that, I have been looking into ways to get my body back. Like, massage techniques that will trim down the size of the current thighs, hips and waist. It's all about the ancient wisdom of the trigger points. For example, the outside of the thighs, and the inner part of the thigh stretch from the knee and up. 50 times of hitting the right trigger points a day for 3 months will guarantee the size reduction.

There is also the belly bandit. My mom is bringing ones from TW that seem to be working on some celebrity moms. I will use that first before I buy the ones sold here in the US. Regardless, the pressure and constrain theory should "theoretically" work to push the organs back in place, as well as mold the fat out of me so that I can gain my waistline back.

I need to find a massage therapist who knows how to focus solely on weight lost. They have that everywhere in TW, so I am pretty sure I could find something like that here.

How about acupuncture? Currently I am still reading up materials about losing weight via acupuncture. Once I am confident enough and am able to find someone to do it, I'd definitely adopt the method.

After the month of confinement, that's when I will start the old school of weight training, cardio workout, as well as low fat/low carbs/low sodium diets. I can't start early because my mom wouldn't allow gym. Bleh.

I am going to be so hard on myself like there is no tomorrow because I desperately want my body back. So if you have any great method, please share. I am willing to try anything.



DearJulie

Due-date bag should be cute

Unfortunately I don't have a cute due-date bag. Something like a monogrammed tote, or like s stylish weekender would be nice. TB did not let me spend the money. I don't even have a diaper bag, yet. Guess I do have plenty of time to shop around. Granted the functionality is important but I do not want to compromise on the style and look.

Baby won't be that cute right after he's born so at least I have to look cute and wear cute stuff.

Waiting and anticipating are not easy, especially with L&D. There are signs to look out for and I keep feeling and thinking I see the signs. But then, they are not very clear or obvious. I don't have any reference point so it's really hard to say "it's time". I am sure baby will let me know in his way. There have been a lot of babies born these couple weeks and I wanted to find out all other ladies' experience. However, I also don't want to mess up my own head thinking and worrying too much. No one has the same experience that's for sure. I can only prepare myself enough.

In terms of preparation......

I am groomed and cleaned, and I am going to get a mani/pedi tomorrow (or maybe later today). No time for a hair cut since I am too lazy to go down to Chinatown. Maybe I will just clip my hair up or wear a pony tail. Or I can go to the salon a block up from me to get a blow-out. Make-up is a must. If not, at least I will gloss and blush up (actually eye liner usually makes the look too). TB talked me out of the idea of wearing contacts so glasses it is. My going home outfit is comfy not fancy, which I can live with. Baby's going home outfit is also comfy with layers that I don't even know if he will need. I might put him in the Ralf Lauren outfit that we got from Sarah, cute socks from Enzo's mama, and the hat and mitten I got from sales.

Or maybe I should swaddle him in layers of blankets?! This is very confusing.

TB figured out the car seat so we are ready to go. He also needs to test out the baby monitor, pack a bag for himself, and clean up.

I washed almost all the clothes, sheets, blankets that blueberry needs to wear right away. Nursery is set and cleaned but might need a low bookshelf and a side table. I sat on the daybed in the nursery yesterday staring at the empty crib. Can't quite grasp the reality of a real baby is going to be sleeping in the crib very soon. Like, a real life baby who cries, poops, sucks my boobs and sleeps. Oh my freaking God.

I got a phone list for all the numbers we need to call at the hospital. That includes the confinement meal lady and the Chinese car service for my mom (oh my god! my mom is coming here). Other than that, all other important numbers are saved in our phones anyway. Hopefully I didn't miss anything.

TB said to me "you are going to be a great mom". And I forgot if he said it before we fell asleep or after we just woke up. That puts me in a lot of pressure. I wasn't sure how to respond because I really haven't thought much about it. However, I do think he is going to be a great dad because, well, he is paranoid and extra careful all the time. Like I said, I might be the one who'd drop the baby and he will be there to catch him.


Does it sound like we are ready?


DearJulie

Advice

With all the baby and pregnancy advice I got, an interesting one is when people told me: remember, not to ignore your husband and make sure he knows he is playing an important role as a father.

This is interesting because I never in a million years would even worry about that, and the fact that people have to "warn" me about the potentially likelihood that it might happen, is kindda, um, funny!

So apparently some ladies did ignore their significant others after the baby came. But why? And, how?

Maybe because their marriage or relationship had been having issues and baby is the last straw that just pushed things to the extreme. This morning I actually saw someone asking for a therapist recommendation for couples who have kids under the age of 5 on my mommy's group listserv. Really? Seriously? Things could get that bad? But I am Chinese, I don't believe in therapy. So if that ever happened, I'd deal with it.

My baby daddy is awesome and he is everywhere. He wants to be involved in the process more than I thought he would, by nagging at me about taking the vitamins, be careful with food I eat, and be cautious when walking on the streets with a big belly; he did almost all the heavy lifting, literally, and I pretty much just sit back and enjoy the ride, after I constantly had to remind him to put together all the furniture and buy the car seat and blah blah; and even though he is not willing to "catch" the baby at the delivery and he is too terrified to cut the umbilical cord, he is still very much involved. The thing is, our apartment is too small for me to even ignore him :) In fact, he probably knows more about pregnancy than I do. He was also the one taking notes at the childbirth class.

I honestly did not know what I would do without him, let alone ignoring him. I see how it could be a concern in other cases, with baby needing all the attention and the wife/mom being potentially exhausted and sleep deprived.

But he is my rock, my shoulders to cry on, my boy toy, and my sugar daddy. I definitely show enough of love that he knows how important he is to me and to baby (Right? Baby?). We even have a plan for him to feed the baby earlier on so that 1) I can rest, and 2) he can bond with the baby. I mean, he just can't be ignored because he is too important to me, and us.

I do understand how he also needs some TLC once a while. My snoring at night, my waking up to pee, my not feeling well and wanting to throw up signs....all the nasty things above make him worry and in most cases, caused him good night sleeps. I can see how he is preparing himself for the D-day and that's a tremendous stress on a person, even though I am the one who's delivering...

He always says he is fine. But you know how men are, they never say what they actually feel. I do think that the attention I pay to him is enough he can handle and he would like to handle, not too little and not too much. We shall see. With my mom coming for a month or so, it's a huge test on his patience and his tolerance. He was concerned with how I am supposed to preform my wifely duty while my mom is here. And that, can be stressful.

The dynamics will change. I do think it's not a bad thing. A baby is going to make the family stronger.

Baby, it's not you and me against the world anymore. It's you, me, and the baby against the world! We love you daddy!



DearJulie

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Need another massage
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Making yet another list

TB is suck a jerk. Of course, a cute one.

He asked if I would like to travel to Phuket, which he knows nothing about and I doubt he even knows what country Phuket is in. I said, heck yeah, I want to go to Phuket. He then said "Good. I'll take you there in 20 years".

This is worse than an empty promise. #$@#%^&*

The reality is setting in one day at a time. I hate to admit it but I am getting excited. Still nervous, but excited.

One thing that I am excited about is this list that I am making. I call it the Post-Partum Do-List.

- Go shopping for new clothes and shoes, and bathing suits.
- Go to Osteria Morini and order all the charcuterie they have on the menu, especially mortedella
(this was the only thing I didn't get to eat during pregnancy because TB didn't allow)
- Go out for a night and get trashed
- Get a haircut
- Go back to the gym and train
- Sign up for a race (maybe just a half marathon)
- Plan a vacation (well, plan does not mean I can definitely go but planning is fun)
- Hire a nanny and a cleaning lady pronto
- Eat spicy hotpot

Of course I know that there won't be a timeline for when I can cross things off the list but this gives me hope. And I am trying not to think about those sleepless nights that are awaiting for me.

I appreciate those people who came to me and told me how this will be the most wondering experience in my life. I'll let you know when that happens. For now, I still don't believe you.


DearJulie

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Workout of the day
Passive muscle workout/full body massage: 60 minutes
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Two scary words

FULL TERM!

That's right. It's here. These are two very scary words. However, like I said from the beginning, ready or not, we are going to deal with it.

The nursery is pretty much set-up, thanks for baby daddy - he is the best. However, with my bare minimal principle in mind, there won't be much decoration. The walls will be bare and white; all furniture is basic and practical. We'll see. Just like everything else in my apartment, all decors will be added on organically. Because I always make mistakes by buying things on an impulse and most cases they turn out not to work well at all.

A lot of people asked me about blueberry's real name/official name. Well, we don't have one yet and I don't want to share right now either. So let's just see when he comes. The American name is not my concern at all. It's the Chinese name that's kindda worrying me.

Based on the Lam family tree, blueberry is the generation of "ch'ien" so whatever Chinese name we pick for him has to have this character. This is hard because this is a hard character. The meaning is good by itself but it does not sound good. It's my personal opinion. What's worse than a bad American name is a bad Chinese name.

I guess I will solicit my mom and my grandpa's help on this.



DearJulie

Santa is your daddy (well, I meant, Daddy is the Santa!)

I have been getting a lot of marketing emails/flyers and stuff telling me about places where I can take kids to see Santa, have dinner with Santa, take photos with Santa, shop with Santa and so on...

C'mon. We all know there is no Santa Clause, so why do parents still want to lie to kids? This makes me think of some principles that I want to stick to when it comes to parenting. First and foremost, no lies. But this is my choice of parenting. Of course you should do whatever you want to your kids.

I just don't have the heart to tell my kid that there is Santa Clause when later on, he is going to find out that is a lie anyway and I can't think of a reason that justified having him being traumatized. I didn't grow up in a Santa Clause culture and TB didn't either. It's fair that our kid won't.

So, no false expectations. If anything, I'd say to him: Santa is your daddy. He is the one bringing home toys.



DearJulie

Call me crazy

Two crazy things I have observed. Or perhaps, I am the crazy one?!

Smart phones make people stupid

Walking on the streets, I always have to watch out for those people who are on their phones while walking. I got walked into a couple times and got really annoyed. Now, I always look to see who's walking towards my direction, especially when they are on the smart phones (talking on the phone is fine. It's when they are reading shit and doing stuff on their phones that's annoying). I always have the urge to just stick my foot out and trip them. You know what, maybe I will, next time.

Another thing about the phone is the radiation or whatever signals the phone is sending might have potential harms to babies in the belly. So I always hold the phone high up and away from my belly. However, in the subways, everyone uses their phones and that kind of crowded space might intensify the kind of radiation or signal that's harmful, to my baby. I really hate it when people pull out their phones in front of me. I'd always just step aside and avoid being affected. Call me anal, but I don't want to risk it. Oh you don't have to believe me but I am not held responsible if your babies turn out to be a retard.

Nanny situation

Bad nannies are easy to find, but that's exactly the kind you do not want. Like our next door neighbor's nanny. Kids cry a lot when she is around. I wonder what she is doing or not doing to the kids. Where is that god damn nanny cam?

And then I want the Mandarin-speaking ones because I want to provide my baby a 100% Mandarin speaking environment. I know it might be hard especially TB does not speak much. He tries though, and is very cute.

It has been a trend and I am not sure when it actually all started (maybe starting in 2005), but everyone wants to teach kids Mandarin. Now, even non-Mandarin-speaking families are also looking for Mandarin-speaking nannies. Those are like wealthy families because they are able to afford a full-time live-in Mandarin-speaking nanny - those nannies carries fancy bags and are allowed to drive the family's fancy cars. Well, I am not sure if I can or I want to afford that. I mean, how hard is it to find a part-time one? Oh very hard! Because I am picky.

I want a nanny who:
- is from Taiwan but a wai shen ren.
- speaks Mandarin without a Taiwanese accent (like me).
- cooks food with flavors that I am familiar with.
- is a child education or psychology major in college or grad school.
- is clean and patient (that's like a given).
- does not cry when I yell at her.
- does light house chores, such as cleaning.
- is smart.

So, if you know anyone like that, please let me know!! :)


By the way, I quit gym. I am too heavy now.


DearJulie

Advance planning for the arrival day

No matter how nervous I am, this day is going to come soon, not that soon, I still have several weeks to go. I don't know if I have enough clothing items or diapers for blueberry. I do want to make sure I am being taken care of first!

That's probably why the very first piece of furniture in the nursery was my glider. I am also getting stuff such as cute nursing bras, lounge wear, care items for breast feeding and my pump. All of the money we spent to prepare for the newborn, we probably spent the most on me. Heck yeh!

In order to prep myself for the hospital, I made a list of things to do before the due date. They are high on my list because they are all very important things, to me.

-  Get a manicure/pedicure
-  Get eyebrows waxed
-  Get the lawn mowed
-  Get a haircut (this is a maybe for now)
-  Pick out comfy yet nice going home outfit for me

I want to make sure I look good going into the hospital and I look even better leaving the hospital. I am so vain.

Maybe blueberry is already rolling his eyes in my belly knowing that my priority is still myself.

If I don't take care of myself first, how am I going to take care of him? If I don't love me the most first, how am I going to love him?!

So judge me, judge away!

I found peace with my deformed body already. I already have a plan of getting my body back post-partum. Having a plan is actually a good way to prevent the potential post-partum depression.


DearJulie

I am just babbling now

Childbirth classes, checked. We are now the experts of pooping babies.....NOT!

I can't say I am not excited and at the same time, I also don't want to admit that I am super confident I can do this. Mixed feelings exactly! The instructor gave us a stack of handouts. Not a lot, but enough for me to review whenever possible. TB likes practicing the "he, he, who" breathing with me - he thinks it's funny when I do it. Maybe he needs "he, he, who" more than I do.

The big belly gets in the way in everything nowadays, even sex. This is frustrating me a lot. I feel bad for fat people and I swear I will never want to be fat. The 3rd trimester is hard not because of the hormones, but because of the extra weight on the body that makes me hard to breathe, hard to sit, hard to walk, and hard to cycle. It does not help when there are staircases in our apartment that I have to go up and down every day. Guess that's a workout itself.

Still, going to the gym makes me feel normal.

TB made me look at myself with the bare belly in the mirror. Good Lord am I huge. The side view is definitely different than the top view where I can see the belly. The belly is sticking out A LOT. This makes me wonder: how is blueberry sitting or crunching or floating in the uterus?! Does he have enough space to twist and turn? How is he able to do all those tricks he's been pulling that can be annoying?

We'll soon find out in the next doctor's appointment where we will see him again.

I am still doing a lot of work considered how my mom has ordered me to lie in bed all day. Blueberry does not like it a lot because when I am in the sitting position, I tend to press him. And if he is heads down now, oh yeah, he is being pressed. If he comes out with funny head shape, blame me.

I have been going back and forth of the shoe shop in the neighborhood, not to buy new shoes, but to stretch out my old ones. How nice that they offer the service. We'll see if I could stretch out the 8s into 9s. Oh boy do I need it.

My mom also ordered me to eat red beans and mun beans (green beans?). Red beans to provide energy and iron; green beans to get rid of excess water. One thing I am excited about for the post-labor is definitely the confinement meals I ordered. The menu looks good and I am really happy to know that someone will be cooking for me for the whole 30 days - that's probably one good thing about being a Chinese woman because the post-partum importance in our culture.

You know, if you are white, or non-Chinese, you should do the same. I am all for taking care of the body before and after labor and delivery. There are theories, even though they might not have been backed by science, that you just can not take it lightly.


#babblingpregnantwoman
DearJulie

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Workout of the day (with low intensity)
Treadmill: 30 minutes
Lats:3x10
Triceps: 3x10
Deadlifts: 3x10
Squats: 3x10
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Overwhelmingly underprepared

So, I am in my 33 weeks. So far, I got no baby name decided, an empty nursery, no baby clothes, no stroller+car seat, no birth plan, no idea where the labor and delivery room is, and I don't have a due-date bag packed up yet.

Boy am I prepared!

I am definitely freaking out inside. The more I list on the to-dos, the more I feel so reluctant to do them. When people ask me if I am excited about the baby, I'd say no. And people are generally shocked and not prepared for an answer like that. Dude, why do I have to show you how excited I am especially when I am really not all that excited?

Am I still in denial? Maybe. I think TB is in the same state of mind because he would usually push me to finish what I have to do and nag at me until I do so. In this case, he is just as nonchalant as could be. He is not nervous about not finishing things in time; he is not nervous about missing things for the baby; he is just there, playing video game as if this is really not a big deal.

I guess it is really not a big deal and maybe I am making it a bigger deal than it should be. Maybe I should just chilax.

The little person inside of my body keeps reminding me that there is someone there. I don't sleep well mainly because he does not sleep when I do. He is moving and kicking around all the frigging time and I can't make him stop. Why can't I discipline my own child?

I might have some mental challenge to overcome first.

We tried going to Buy Buy Baby over the weekend. As I walked in, I started feeling dizzy and having a hard time to breathe. My head started to hurt and my heart started racing. I didn't know which aisle to go to and forgot what I was there to look for.

We went to the crib section. I don't think they had more than 15 different styles/bands. I just didn't know what to look for. We kindda felt how firm each mattress is and then looked at each other and shrugged. We then walked passed the stroller and car seat section. There were a lot of other parents there and I didn't even want to go fight the crowd. TB picked up a couple car seat just to get a feel. And then we left.

The mere 20 minutes we spent in Buy Buy Baby was how long I lasted. I knew I could not last any more minute longer than that. I do not like that store, it suffocated me.

Today, I went into another baby store and saw all different clothing options. I just froze. I was browsing alright but I didn't even bother picking anything up to take a closer look. Maybe I was hoping something more, or something less.

Baby stuff did not make me go awwww; baby stuff gives me tremendous headaches.

#notfittobeamom
DearJulie

---
workout of the day:
dumbell curl: 3x10
lateral raise: 3x10
shoulder press: 3x10
lats: 3x10
elliptical: 20 minutes
a lot of strech!
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Feeling useless

I am so frigging annoyed and frustrated with myself.

I am tired and exhausted every fucking day; I am not sick but the nasal congestion is making me sound like I am. I have a hard time breathing and even harder time staying awake. The belly is so big that I feel like I could lose my balance any time.

I barely have energy to do house chorse and now my place is a mess, it's dustry everywhere. I don't cook so it makes me a lousy wife too. I don't like sitting in front of the computer for too long anymore so I can't do work and a lot of the clients and vendors meetings have to be rescheduled. Forget about responsibilities, I am throwing all that away.

What is wrong with me? Where did my energy go? And how long is it going to last?

I feel ugly when I don't work out and I have not gone to the gym in a week. I just couldn't seem to get excited about working out even though it is what I love to do. It is what blueberry loves to do with me.

I thought by now, I would have already become one of those ladies who is full of joy awaiting the arrival of the little one; who talks about the little one with that cheerful voice and a smiley face that  frigging glows the "mother nature"; who stares at the belly and rubs it and talks to the baby with so much hope and excitement; who walks on the street feeling so entitled because she is a mom-to-be "biatch"; and who looks herself in the mirror feeling so beautifully big.

How do I not have those?

Even though I am lucky that I don't have back pain or any other pain, I feel like I am in pain. It feels like a torture. Why am I being punished like this?

I wanna cry but I can't. Because no matter how much water or fluid I consume, I just don't seem to be hydrated enough.

I can't relax but I have to practice the breathing method that's supposed to relax me. And the thought of contraction and water break and all that will come scare the f out of me.

Are those ladies not scared at all or they just don't talk about it? Why don't people talk about what they fear like what I am doing now? By not talking about it, they give the rest of us (ok, maybe just me) a false sense of the pregnancy reality - not everything is glorious and pretty, you know. Heck, not even the books would say anything that's gross and some what close to reality.

I am really upset and emotional right now. Fuck it. Chinese take-out for dinner with lots of MSG and I DON'T CARE!


#friggingstupidpregnancy
DearJulie

Maternity Photo Session

Have you seen those maternity photos where those ladies go into a studio and pose in front of the dark color (or light color) backdrop with nothing on their body but a piece of cloth or sash? If not, please google "bad maternity photos" or "really bad maternity photos".  The "artistic approach" is to strategically wrap that piece of cloth on the pregnant bodies and create a pee-a-boo effect. Studio shots are cheesy. Posing is cheesy. With those studio photos, everyone looks and poses the same. Lame. I can go on and on about those realllly bad maternity photos but let me stop here.

I don't do cheesy.

So, for the maternity photo session, I decided to do it at home and had Chellise over to take the photos.

Good Lord am I huge! In some photos I looked even bigger than TB. But, I had fun doing the photos - when will I ever be this fat and big?! Gotta take advantage of this once in a life time opportunity. In these photos, I loved the interaction TB and I had and I loved the shots of blueberry and me in his still yet empty nursery. I was 30 weeks pregnant when photos were taken.

Here, let me share some of my favorites:

Oh crap! 32 weeks.

I broke the big 3-0! It still feels surreal even I am already 32 weeks. I started feeling the weight on my body and all the crappy things all came back and more.

Short of breath, stuffy nose, sore throat and stupid coughs, as well as a frequently full bladder - I pee every frigging 10 minutes. The fetal movement is also no joke. Even though it's nice to know that baby is kicking and moving fine in the belly, it's making me very uncomfortable and sometimes annoying.

Hell yeah I am complaining. I don't blame those ladies who want to induce early with this big load on the body. It's not easy.

Even though I complain, I have to say I am lucky that I don't have swollen feet, or back issue. I am still able to work out - lifting weights, cycling, and cardio sculpt, though it's not easy to do jump much. Sometimes I tell blueberry that he is a good boy because I don't have constipation, no skin issue, no heartburn, and so on, which are all his doing.

We are also catching up on setting the nursery. There are so many things we need to order, assemble, and organize. My mom is coming to "sit the month" for me so I need to get mentally prepared to get through the month when she is around to order me do things I don't particularly want to do.

TB looks like he is prepared - maybe he is born to be prepared. I think he is going to be a good dad. If I ever dropped the baby, he would the one there to catch him. hahaha.

I also just heard from my lovely neighbor that I am going to bleed a lot, and maybe for a whole week after the birth. God Damit! How come no one told me that? I looked it up - so apparently all the 40%-50% blood increase in my body now will be the amount I am losing during birth. WHAT THE HECK! Maybe on a brighter side, that's 40%-50% weight that I will lose too.

I am scared and not sure how to prepare myself.


DearJulie

Baby Registry

Some people think that creating a registry is a fun thing to do. Afterall, you get to pick all the "cute" stuff for your new baby, and maybe, just maybe, for yourself and you don't have to pay for it. You might want to put "cute" clothes and toys on the registry that make your friends go awww and they do want to buy those awww soo cute stuff for you.

To be honest, not a lot of those baby stuff makes me go awww. Sometimes I would even think to myself, what kind of parents would put their kids in things like that?! Again, anything your baby uses/owns, says a lot about your taste, not the baby's.

Gender steroetyle issue

I especially HATE those gender specific items. Why do baby girls have to wear pink? Why do baby boys have to wear blue? I don't mind blue. As a matter of fact, I really like blue. But at the same time, I don't want to buy EVERYTHING blue for my kid. Apparently the kid's clothing manufacturers provide very limited options for parents.

I do believe any guy who can pull off pink is pretty confident, thus hot. Of course no one ever said baby boys can't wear pink. But I bet none of the parents would buy pink for boys, because, that's how they are programmed. That's how the society programs us. Well, not that I am going to put my baby in pink. For the record, I hate pink.

And those crib mobiles, why do they have to only make tigers, lions, elephants, bicycles, cars, trains....for boys; butterflies, ballerinas, hearts, birdies.... for girls?

Cuteness issue

What you think is cute does not mean it is cute. I don't see how a body suit that has "ears" attached to the hood would make the outfit cute. Would you wear that yourself? If not, then maybe you shouldn't put it on your baby. I also don't know how headbands on girls make sense but it seems to be very very popular. I guess I wouldn't understand because I am not having a girl.

There are also too many things in stripes as some of moms have mentioned. I guess stripes are fine, sometimes, depending how one wears it. But please don't put your babies in head-to-toe stripes - "matching" sounds like a good idea but it is over-kill in this case. He or she will hate you when they grow up.

Practicality issue

I compared a lot of different registry lists and came out with my own. My priority is practicality. Even though people might not want to buy diapers for my baby, but that's the only thing my baby will need the most when he comes home. Same goes to wipes, bottles, and more diapers. I buy diapers as gifts whenever I see them on anyone's baby registry. Some of parents thought I did it as a joke (but dude, you did register for it) but I don't joke about serious business like, diapers.

I did, however, put a couple "cute" things on my registry to make people go awww. Then again, you might not think they are cute. Whatever, my baby needs to be toughened up, he does not need cute things.

#babyregistry
DearJulie



----
Workout of the day
Seated good morning: 3x10
Squat: 3x10
Deadlift: 3x10
Leg curl: 3x10
----

UES mommy's group

This sucker caved and joined a mommy's group. She is going onto the pathetic path becoming one of those ladies. Good that they don't know about my blog and they don't read about how I bashing them hard.

A couple good things about this group is that they are open-minded - they talk about all kinds of subjects: alternative medicine, sharing nannies, fun activities and all. There is a monthly mommy's night out which I am kindda looking for next month and see what exactly those ladies look like in person. They also give a log of hand-me-downs and I am hoping to pick up a good deal or two.

My progress has been .... zero. Nursery is not set up and stroller and car seat are not bought. Even though blueberry should arrive in 10 weeks....I think what happens to TB and I is that we know there is an urgency, but somehow we subconsciously resist to face the reality that it is happening. It is like we are in a denial mode. WE KNOW WHAT NEED TO GET DONE, but we just can't bring ourselves to do it. It's always next week(end)

Our procrastination does not give our first kid a good example. But, oh wells! Do we already sound like bad parents? Hm. Nah, we are just parents with a very alternative style. I'd like to think that my kid is different in that way.

Week 30

It feels like fall in the air. Well, it is fall after all- the best time of New York City. The change in the weather is somehow romantic ...

It is also football season - NCAA and NFL. This is what's happening at home at lease. Blueberry has been "listening" to a lot of Michigan fight song that he could respond to it when he hears it. He also likes the before-bed NFL session which can be soothing, although we limit TV time to the minimal. But I did say before, football season would totally ruin the TV time.

Work has been busy all the time until now. Blueberry has been there to help me throughout the year and he has been great. I fell one time though - it was not pretty but blueberry was able to hang in there.

Now, I am finally in week 30, still (trying to be) active, but I feel tired more easily, just like what the book says. Once I am tired, I guess my immune system gets weak, and that's when I get sick easily. Unfortunately I don't want to take any medicine and hope that my body can fight it all off, which usually result in a forever long recovery.

Belly is still growing - I am not sure how big it's going to get. I have been having trouble getting out of bed. But I hope I won't lose my balance once the belly grows to the point when I can't handle.

Blueberry still has no name. We might really have to wait until the moment we see him.

The book says that I should have mood swing and all that crap, but I really don't. I started feeling nervous that's for sure - I don't handle pain very well. Sometimes I think to myself, well, it's just a 12 hours labor, how hard could it be?! But then I also hear about women being in labor for more than 24 hours. Human body continues to amaze me. My very deformed body is going to be teared apart and it will also heal by itself. And in no time, I shall gain my 6-pack back. Wow, really?! Let me take on that challenge.

So can anyone tell me what's so bad about having a C-section that almost no one I talk to wants to plan a birth like that?

Things that are extermely stupid

Once again, DearJulie is going to offend a lot of people. But, SHE DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT.

Living in my neighborhood is great - quiet, lots of restaurants, convenient to public transits, and easy to get in and out of the city. However there are just things that annoy the heck out of me and I find them extremely stupid.

Goyard

It might be a status thing. Every, not almost every, but EVERY lady has one and they use it as a diaper bag. First of all, Goyard bags are UGLY. Secondly, there is no zipper, no pockets and no nothing in this stupidly priced bag. I think it's pretty stupid to use it as a diaper bag. It might be most useful for grocery shopping which they do use it for grocery.

Entitlement

Ladies and moms in this neighborhood feel very entitled. They will argue with the poor staff at Maison Kayers for not getting their coffee when they were actually waiting in the wrong line. But yes, Maison Kayers needs to do a better job letting people know where and how to get coffee. One ladies had 3 kids with her and she was so loud that everyone was looking at her. When you listen carefully to what she had to argue for, you know it was obviously her own fault. Still, she thought she was right.

Attitude

Ladies here always have their eyes looking above their heights. Meaning that when they look at you , they don't really look at you. They look at the spot above your head. I am not sure why when some of them are actually short. It's funny to watch.

Lady 'scorner and nanny's corner

They gather. Maybe to gossip and maybe just to hang out.  Yeah, hanging out at the corner of the street.
Usually there is a lady's corner and there is a nanny's corner. Those ladies talk in high pitch voice caring nothing about what passers-by and laugh hysterically loud as if they want the world to know that they are funny when they actually are not. The nanny's group is awesome - they might be speaking different languages but they totally understand each other. Another thing I notice was, the kids in the strollers pushed by nannies look happier than kids in the strollers pushed by those ladies.

Please help me God. Don't ever let me become one of those ladies.

#observation
DearJulie


----
Workout: 45 minutes cycling
Deadlift: 3x10
Seated good morning: 3x15
Squat: 3x10
Leg curl: 3x10

As a result, I treated myself to a Bareburger! :)
---

blah blah blah

A couple months ago I said I was huge. I was not lying. I really have not been this huge in my life. But maybe in others' eyes, I am progressing OK for this pregnancy.

However, I am really gigantic now. I have gained 25+ lbs so far and I don't even know if it's blueberry who is gaining weight or just me.  My belly is really sticky out out - I can still bend down. I just can't see my feet or anything that's covered by the belly when I look down.

And, because some of my views have been blocked by my belly, I lost track of when to mow the lawn.  I could feel it when I shower and it's pretty nasty. I used to remember to mow the lawn every other month but recently I have just forgotten about it. Yes, I have made my appointment to do so. That's also one of the important to-dos before I go to deliver the baby in the hospital. Even though my doctor is female, I don't want her to see anything bushy.

My belly is not perfectly round. Well, I thought a pregnant belly should be in a perfect round shape. My belly button is outties now and when I wear fitted clothes, which is all the time, I can see it sticking out, like how my nipples stick out. I just tell myself it's natural regardless how people look at me walking on the street.

Some people are amazed by how I go to the gym every day. But I also know when to rest and not do anything. I have to say, I love how I carry on my workout routine. I am still doing squats and dead lifts which help prevent any back issue that could have happened during pregnancy. All my work stress did reflect on my body but usually a pre-natal massage can relief it. The place I go to is called Magic Hand. How cheesy.

UES moms and pregnant women do show how they feel they are entitled. Sometimes they crack me up y complaining about things. I swear I will not become one of them. They also congregate at street corners, pushing the strollers with a cup of Starbucks coffee, chatting up with other ladies.

Unfortunately, I don't belong to any mommy group. Maybe I should join and make friends and talk about babies.

I want to apologize to all my friends who I have been recently. I apologize for talking too much about me and my pregnancy. I used to promise myself I will not talk about my pregnancy when I am pregnant at any social occasion, because, if I were other people, I wouldn't want to hear about it. Again, I slightly became one of those ladies. I'll change.

#nopregnancytalk
DearJulie

My hidden natures

Pregnant ladies love to organize. It's almost like a disease. I noticed that I spent more time and money shopping for "containers", "drawers", "hangers" and all things you can name at Container Store than anything else nowadays, well except for baby stuff. That shit is expensive.

At Container Store or Target, you see pregnant ladies at any aisle you go to. No frigging kidding you! I don't know. Maybe I noticed the pregnant ladies more nowadays than before because I am also one of them . Holy shit, did I just admit that I have become one of them?

I hate organizing even though I am a very organized and detail-oriented person when it comes to work. But household stuff, I don't think I am ever born to do it. I can't fold clothes, for one. And this might be one thing that if my husband ever divorced me one day, would be because I can't fold clothes.

With the baby coming in 3 months, I constantly think about how to make room for him and for ourselves. Our place is meant to entertain, so to create a space that is welcoming is so important to me. Right now, we only have a couple more boxes in the soon to be nursery waiting to be cleaned out. This is good progress.

When seeing those stackable drawers at Container Store, it makes me calm. And when I install and place all the drawers and containers in my apartment, I feel so accomplished. It makes me smile. So I do have that in me - the nesting nature.

How strange. I feel more motherly each day and I discovered my nesting nature. Is it all because the hormones? I think yes. Hormones totally eff'ed me up.

These pregnancy hormones also bring out my protecting nature: the other day when walking on a busy street, there were a couple kids running towards my direction. Because I am short, those kids probably had the height that is at my belly. As they ran towards me, one kid was so close to me that forced me to hold my left arm up to not just try to block him, I pushed him, in front of his mom.

I never used to do that. In fact, TB always had to remind me to not walk to close to people and always have my arms up to create the space. The fact that I actually pushed that poor kid surprised me. Yeah, don't ever mess with a mother, she will eat you alive.

This is actually quite awesome. I always know I am feisty but never thought I'd be physical. I can't wait to see anything like this will happen again soon. Next time, I will curse and fight anyone who gets in my belly's way.


#mothernature
DearJulie

9/19 - Our anniversary

Holy Shit! I almost forgot it's our anniversary today. My stupid pregnant brain is messing me up. I even spilt coffee all over myself this morning.

To be specific, it's our wedding anniversary. And yes, we do and try to celebrate other anniversaries, like, the very first date, the very first kiss, the very first time he finally said I love You, and the first of a lot of things. Yeah DearJulie is cheesy. She likes all the girly stuff. Though we don't celebrate 2/14. For the record, we celebrate 2/15.

BUT, I never demand gifts. Because TB always says that he is the best gift he could ever give me. I could ask for no more.

It's only been two years and so much has happened - so much that I didn't expect has happened. Blueberry seems to know how exciting 9/19 is for us because he has been kicking non-stop today. Yes, blueberry is definitely something we didn't fully expect. We thought this guy would wait until the year of horse.

This year, no trip and no gift, no special reason - I really don't need anything. I already have TB - the best husband ever. And, we do need to save money for raising a baby. Babies are frigging expensive. I don't understand how people, especially people who couldn't afford, can keep pooping babies. I mean, knowing how expensive raising babies is, that's enough to stop a guy from getting up. Don't you think?

Here's the vow I wrote on our wedding day and I read it in front of all our family and friends: it's framed and hung in my office.

My Kelvin, my Copain* - the one I share the bread with.
It took me a long time to learn how to live with you.
Now, I realized I can never live without you.

Thank you for letting me be the independent me.
Thank you for letting me be the feminist me.

As much as it goes against my feminist belief
Today, I want to declare to the world that I belong to you.

So World, listen up - Julie belongs to Kelvin.

Our life, together, is moving forward every day as my belly grows bigger every day. I think our kid will appreciate a bitchy mom and a jackass dad, because we make a perfect pair.

Lucky you, little blueberry.

#happyanniversarytous
DearJulie

*Copain is the our favorite wine maker and that's what we served at our wedding and when we have dinner parties. And it is French, meaning someone to share the bread with. I was not making it up.

Nursery project

We have about 10 - 14 weeks to set up the nursery before little blueberry arrives. I know it's a bit late in the game but hey, at least I started reading Baby Bargains to get myself educated first. This is not an easy read. The book is thicker than I thought and I have been so reluctant to start because I did not want to be sucked into the world of baby shopping. If it sounds crazy that's because it is crazy.

How do you balance functionality, safety, budget, style/look, and eco-friendly production? I have no idea. But what's important to me is definitely the style/look. Heck yeah. This is not about being superficial; this is about being DearJulie.

We went to a couple local stores including Sprout and Giggle just to see what are out there. Any business model that's established on targeting women, is a good business. Same thing goes to the baby industry. They jack up the price by giving moms (women) some bullshit reasons such as, organic, whole natural wood, and non-allergen, and those suckers are really willing pay for the whopping price tags. Not that organic, whole natural wood, and non-allergen are wrong, but the mark-ups are. Nevertheless, it's Manhattan. People expect you to be able to afford.

I refuse to become one of those suckers.

This wonderful Baby Bargains book magically talks highly of IKEA stuff which makes me and my wallet very happy. Without going against my style principle, we decide to take a look at IKEA this coming weekend. At least to make comparison of products and take notes of what are good and bad. I will report back.

To remind you, the above is only for crib shopping. There are still other big ticket items such as stroller(s), drawers/changing tables, and maybe a wardrobe. Oh, and don't forget a nursery glider, which is really the extra extra mulas people pay for comfort. And because I am such a selfish person, that's one thing I am more willing to spend money on than others.

I have been playing with my nursery inspiration board and I absolutely love the style I am going with. Now, it's shopping time. No, I actually don't love shopping, it's stressful, but it has to be done.


#nurseryshopping
DearJulie


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Weekend workout:
Sat
Cardio Sculpt: 45 minutes
Incline bicep curl: 3x10
Cable curl: 3x10
Shoulders pull-down: 3x10
Lat extension: 4x10

Sun
Cycling: 45 minutes
---

Confinement

Ancient wisdom always somehow survives the test generation after generation. Of all the weird or bizarre Chinese traditions or even superstitions, the postpartum confinement after giving birth or "sit the month" is what I deeply believe it.

Actually, let me slightly correct myself - I deeply believe in the concept, not so much the entire practice, if you know what the entire practice entails.

I grew up helping my grandma and my mom prep the confinement meals for my 4 uncles' wives, watched them go through that month with all the things that they were not allowed to do.  Of course, being in a traditional family like ours, these daughter-in-laws dared not to disobey. All of them really followed the instructions of not washing hair, not showering, not being exposed to cold air, not leaving the house, not drinking water (but rice wine) and lying in bed all day.

My mom volunteered to help me sit the month and offered to buy all the Chinese herbal medicine so that she could make all the "drinks" for me. She was going to cook too but I found a lady from Taiwan who lives in Queens who prepares confinement meals for 30 days based on different stages of postpartum needs during the month. She also delivers to your doorsteps so it works out for us. I recently had a tasting and it was actually pretty good - the black bone chicken soup, the beef soup with some kind of roots, and so on, were all pretty delish.

Regardless the fact that I know for sure I will sit the month, I still couldn't quite convince myself to do exactly what my mom will tell me to do and not do. Not leaving the house alone will drive me crazy enough. And then my sent me a document listing all the things NOT to do.

I was horrified.

I could not believe what I was reading and I could not believe that my mom wanted me to do all that. Now, I am reconsidering having my mom over for that month, because I think we will get into argument every frigging day and that would totally defeat the purpose of me resting. I am not sure if I can deal with her.

She said to me "why don't you just listen to me for once in your life?".

But if I already never listen to you, why would I even do now?
The document was in Chinese and let me just highlight several things on the list for you so you get an idea how an suffer it will be for me.

- Drink less water: because water makes you bloated and it expands your stomach.

- Rest: the mom should be guarded by the mom-in-law, the husband, the relatives to make sure she does not leave room.

-Lie flat for 2 weeks straight: standing up will cause the shifting of organs owing to the gravity. And also, wear a belly band.

- No washing hair because that causes the opening of the pores which let in the cold air which will lead to headache.

- No showering or bathing for the first 2 weeks, showering is allowed starting the 3rd week. Same idea to the above.

- Never ever use cold water, not even brushing teeth and washing face.

- When absolutely have to walk outside, cover every inch of the skin. Nothing can be exposed to the cold air.

- No holding the baby: the mom's body is the weakest and fragile after giving birth. Not holding the baby is the same idea of not lifting anything heavy. It will cause muscle pain and back pain.

- No lifting, no climbing stairs. no crying/tearing, no watching TV/reading books.

Now, you tell me, would you be able to live like that for one month? I know I couldn't.


#fucksitthemonth
DearJulie


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Cycling: 45 minutes
upper body workouts (update later)
lower body workouts (update later)
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Bad influence

In this phase, my little blueberry can sense the world with me - he can hear sound (us talking, music, noise and TV), sense the light, and taste flavors.

This worries me, because I can be a bad influence.

For example, I got some potty mouth, well, sometimes. I will curse the stupid drivers and just stupid people in general. Unfortunately they are everywhere and I don't seem to avoid them. Also, I say mean things. The other day, I said to a guy who kept dropping weights at the gym that what he did was very annoying and it was also scaring me and my belly.

I worry that I watch too much TV. Not that I have a lot of time to watch TV, but when I go through the DVR'ed shows, I just couldn't help finishing them all at once. To be honest, I don't watch very intellectuall shows, like say, shows on Discovery Channel, National Geographic Channel or History Channel, no they bore me or I should say, I haven't found any interesting subject that keeps my attention span. The most intellectual show that I have watched religiously recently was probably The Newsroom, and I think blueberry likes it too. Among all trash TV shows I watch, Royal Pain, White Collar, Suit, Covet Affairs, Necessary Roughness, to name a few, are my favorite. But maybe Royal Pain is not all so bad because blueberry can learn medical knowledge and be influenced in case he wants to be a doctor in the future. I'd say, if he really wanted to become a doctor, a concierge doctor would be actually a pretty good career path.

We try not to watch a lot of TV and decide that we will never let TV raise our kid. However, it's getting very hard especially during football season, which is like almost half of a year. For that, we have not figured out a solution.

To balance things a little, WQXR (the NYC local classical music station) is always on during the day since the moment we wake up, and blueberry likes it too. It also has a lot of calming effect on me while I am working in the office, so win-win! We even have the classical music station on when TB plays video games.

When it comes to the part where baby can listen to us talk, I do try talking to him a lot even though it's kindda odd talking to the belly. I did that at the supermarket and got curious eyes because I totally got carried away. When TB and I talk, I guess we just talk normally.

Sometimes if my sweet TB is annoying me, I'd do nothing to him but said to my belly "Daddy is really annoying right now and mommy does not like it. Don't grow up like daddy OK?" or, "Daddy just said What The Fuck. " It really works, because TB would leave me alone right away.

In terms of developing blueberry's taste buds, you can trust that I eat everything I love and I am really hoping my kid will love it too, especially anything that's spicy and sour. As I am helping him develop the taste buds, I am hoping he is not a picky eater because I am not. One thing for sure is that my diet is more Chinese than American and he is already eating all kinds of Chinese veggies.

However what I am not quite sure is that, whenever he kicks or moves because certain things I do, I can't tell whether he likes it or he protests it.

There are a lot of myths regarding how fetus' brain develop in the womb, but there are also a lot of science. I learn that all the "belly devices" to strapped on to the belly with music and sound to develop baby's sense of rhythm or what not, do not work. Glad I didn't spend the money. However, it is very important to provide a soothing and calming environment for baby to grow in the womb. That said, I need to keep calm and cool.


#babybrainrules
DearJulie


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Workout of the day
Squat: 3x10
Deadlift: 3x10
Sitted Good Morning: 4x15
Cycling: 45 minutes
---

Bitterness no more

One morning I woke up feeling very calm, relaxed, and normal. I lay lazily in bed, stretching my body with a big yawn, and then I felt a blob from inside of the belly. I smiled. At that precise moment it daunted on me that, I don't feel bitter about this pregnancy any more. It must have been the second trimester hormone.

Sigh, how good can DearJulie be if she is not bitter about things?

Worry not, there are plenty of things I have strong opinions on and they just keep happening every day around me.

I saw a woman breast-feeding her baby out in public just the other day, no cover at all. She was sitting at the outdoor patio seating of a restaurant, along with another mom, who was closing up her bras - yes she was just done breast-feeding. A gentleman sitting next table to them looked very stiff positioning his head towards the opposite direction and showed how nervous and uncomfortable he was.

Dude, that's the beauty of nature, get it?

This happens a lot in UES for some reason. Women feel very righteous (I don't think it's a bad word) and entitled about pregnancy and being a mom and they must show it in action - they would do anything in public. If you are in the neighborhood, you get to see all kinds.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. Breast-feeding is a serious business and we should all embrace it to the extreme. The reason why there is no "breast-feeding room" in public places because it's welcomed everywhere and not regulated. It's pretty cool right?!

I do believe, though, one's freedom should not be inconvenient to others. It's just a mutual respect among people. That said, I still have not decided whether I would breast-feed in public or not.

On one hand, I totally would abuse this right of being a woman - how cool is breast-feeding, especially anywhere I want to at anytime. On the other, even though my boobs look pretty good, I am just a bit shy to show that much, you know.
Remember the controversial cover of Time Magazine back in May? Why was it a controversy people? What's wrong in your head to think that it was inappropriate? OK. Maybe a 3-year-old still sucking on mom's boob was unusual, but why bash on the act of breast-feeding?

And there was the mom breast-feeding in uniform photo. What pissed me off the most was that one of the ladies was fired for her speaking out on gender equality and women's right. That is bullshit.

Nowadays, I start forcing myself to be very zen about things so I won't get stressed out and get baby stressed out. Things like the two outlined above just make me go nuts. However, I did wait until now to talk about it. Ommmmmmm........

What's worse is the on-going Republican Convention and those people....argh.

#pissedoff
DearJulie


---
Workout of the day:
Cycling: 45 minutes
Barre Burn: 45 minutes
---

I failed.

Someone asked me who won the struggles. Well well, let me tell you what happened today first.

TB left for Vegas early this morning. I said bye and then crawled back to sleep. I woke up again at my usual time, went to take care of business in the bathroom. And then, this was when the day started to go weird.

I saw blood on the tissue. It was dry blood for sure. Last time I had the dry blood was about a week ago. I didn't freak out because I was having a doctor's appointment later in the morning anyways. However, I was completely wide awake by now.

As always, I stepped out to get my bagel - whole wheat sesame, scooped out, toasted. My breakfast was simple - bagel and milk (but yes, kindda empty calories). After that, I did some work, changed, packed and then headed out to the doctor's office.

Everything seemed fine, and felt fine. The doctor said everything looks great at the ultra sound and it was a relief. I told her I got some dry blood and I showed her the photos I took of the tissue. Gross I know, but I needed to show her exactly what it was in case I wasn't able to describe it well.

Apparently she didn't think there is anything to worry about. However, she ordered me "not to put anything in your vagina until you don't see blood anymore". In another word, I can't have sex. This blows.

She listened to the baby's heart and it sounded great. And then she saw the chart about my weight and said, "you might want to watch your weight a little bit". At this moment, I lost it and freaked out (inside). My whole body felt like a balloon that's inflated, very powerless and, I was super hungry - I didn't eat anything else before the weight-in. I could have passed out right there.

I couldn't figure out what went wrong. I work out every single day, sometimes twice a day. I watch what I eat even though I have a hard time saying no to carbs. And I eat healthy food.

Regardless how much effort that I put in to control my weight. I believe I have failed. Failure does not sound amusing to me and it is also a bad example for my baby. Failure makes my stomach turn and my head hurt. Walking home I kept thinking about this stupid weight gain thing and couldn't understand why it is happening to me. I thought, I still look smaller than a lot of women.

When I got home, I spilt things on the living room carpet and then again in the kitchen. The clumsiness had the best of me especially when I could hardly concentrate on the regular tasks. Right now, my mind was still boggled. I just don't understand.

The "struggle" is over. I am cutting down eating and going into some strict dieting mode. By definition, dieting would mean to have a systematic control of the food intake, which also means I won't starve myself but eat strategically. The hard part is definitely being strict to oneself.

I don't care no more whether the baby is growing big enough because I am already too big. This blueberry is so tiny and he needs only no more than 300 calories a day to grow, and he will grow. Yes, I care only about myself and how I look and I put that as a priority above my unborn child. I am a selfish woman and mother-to-be. SUE ME!

So I decided to do something about it. First thing first, no more bagel every morning. I am going back to the steel cut oats and hard boiled eggs or sardines for breakfast.

Seriously, this is some harsh reality check. My head is really hurting now.

#failureisnofun
DearJulie

The bigger the better

As weight conscious as I am, I started to worry that my belly is not big enough. I don't want to give birth to a baby that's less than 6 lbs - in a world that the nutrition is overloaded, as least in this part of the world, that's just not healthy. I have been researching for diet plans and workout routine that I can easily follow so that all the weight gain goes to the baby, not me.

One method is to cut down carbs. People talk about cutting down carbs ALL THE TIME! But if you have done it, or if you are a big bagel whore like me, you know it's hard. I allow myself a bagel (toasted, scooped out with nothing on it) in the morning but make sure that I have a workout to follow to burn it off. I add as much protein in my diet as possible - I even started drinking milk, so that all the nutrients go to the baby. Again, a balanced diet and regular workout are the only two things I do not compromise. NEVER!

However, I noticed that my belly is not progressing the way I thought it would. Granted, I don't really know how big my belly should be, but when I googled "5 month pregnant", all the photos of women with gigantic belly popped up.

Are these what it is supposed to look like?If so, I am far behind, way far.

My concern is that my baby is not big enough. See I am contradicting to myself?  I don't want to gain weight but I want my baby to be big....

This morning, I had a business meeting with attorney who is only 2 weeks (pregnant) behind me. She told me that a good friend of hers, tiny frame, gained 14 lbs in total for one pregnancy and the baby was born a healthy 7 lbs. Wow! I am already beyond 14 lbs. She also told me another lady she knows, also a gym buff, still has some vague 6 packs even though she is 4 month pregnant. Well, that I believe because I could still feel my left-over 2 pack muscle. Her herself gained 60 lbs for the first pregnancy but she wanted to keep the weight down for this one.

There are just all the stories and experiences people share that just amaze me. They all told me that my belly will suddenly get big maybe in the last month or so. I am just hoping that is the case. Still, every day, I am struggling to make sure my weight gain is on the right track because I don't want to have to cut down eating because I gain too much. Some people told me "you can't control it". But heck I will control it. It's my body and I know it the best.

The whole point is, I know my body is being deformed. However, I want to make sure it still looks good. In the mean time, I am working extra hard to watch the weight for the recovery as well. If I really just let my body go, it's going to be very hard to lose all the weight in the end.

#weightstruggle
DearJulie


---
Workout of the day: cycling 45 minutes
Upper body workout  (too many to record)
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I forget things

I was never on birth control pills for a very simple reason - I forget to take it. Well, as you all know, if you don't take it at the same time every day, the effectiveness can decrease, or gone, or something like that. Same thing with vitamins. TB used to have to always remind me that I need to take my vitamins every day. With prenatal vitamins, I am much better at remembering to take because I know the importance of it. Currently I take only three - prenatal, calcium, and fish oil.
Sure, three vitamins. Not that much.

But then there is this forgetfulness condition that comes with pregnancy, and on me, it's a severe case. I am always a forgetful person and now, it gets even worse. It has happened to me several times that I forgot whether I have taken the vitamins of the day or not. Regardless how hard I try to think back, I just couldn't. As a result, I might have taken double of the dosage on the same day.

Do people ever OD on vitamins? I hope not.

I know, I know. I should have established a routine, and habit of taking them at the same time of the day. Then again, that was also the exact reason I don't take birth control pills.
Too much work!

Another thing I forget, sometimes, is if I use deodorant before leaving the apt. Well, of course, by the time I realize it, other people realize it too. Now I carry a small travel size in my bag every where I do, just in case.  Sigh, I usually don't stink but hormones make me stink.

I am wondering, how bad can this forgetfulness get?!

Fortunately, I do have to-do lists - for work and for daily household errands. Though, sometimes I even forget to write things down on the list. It's that split moment as I blink, I erase that short term memory. Maybe I should add Ginko nuts in my diet of vitamin spread, just in case. Oh wait, I might forget to take that too. NEVER MIND!

TB just reminded me several things to do today. I gotta do it soon or I'll really forget. And then he will come home yelling at me. Lucky for him, I forget that he yells and I forget to stay mad at him.
I need my brain cell back.

#whatdidyousay?
DearJulie

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Rest Day
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Parenting ouside of Manhattan....

Usually when anything being outside of Manhattan, I would consider them "refreshing". And yes, I am talking about being a parent and raising kids. I sometimes can't stand those ladies.

Over the years, I have met so many parents and their kids, whether they are friends, people I somewhat know, or people I don't really know well. Regardless how educated they are, how successful in life they are, or even how much moula they make, a lot of them are crappy parents. Their parenting sucks and that totally shows on the kind of kids they raise.

Whenever I see crappy parenting techniques, I would take mental notes and say to myself to "never do that to my kid. I don't want my kid grow up to act like so-and-so's kids". I am sure you do that sometimes too. So don't judge me for judging those parents.

To be fair, I also have seen some great parenting skills and their kids are totally cute in personalities. When that happens, I take notes too.

Over the weekend, we drove up to Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire for a weekend get-a-way. The drive was about 5.5 hours each way. We feel so relaxed once leaving the city. If you don't know, this place is known for Mitt Romney's family vacation home. I got scared a little bit once driving into the area seeing all the Mitt Romney signage.

Anyways....

I met this mom from Boston who is in the similar business with me; who is into fitness just like me, and who has a 1 year old boy Baby B. I observed throughout the weekend how she cares for the baby thinking I would get a pointer or two. She also shared tons of experience and information with me.

Remember I used to absolutely hate talking about babies? And now I have turned myself into one of those ladies who has nothing but baby related subjects to talk about. One thing I do differently is that I ask people around me for permission to do so first :) And this weekend, it was almost non-stop baby and parenting talks. Our host, Auntie Lulu would always conveniently disappear when the conversation got too carried away. <-- I already warned her, estrogen/pregnancy hormones are contagious so she stayed away, hahaha, jk.

This family drives a sedan. On a weekend trip like this, the trunk was filled with things - three strollers, baby's travel essentials from diapers, changing clothes, travel size crib, booster seat, toys and floaties (Baby B loves water), bottles and all the other stuff I might have not got to see. On top of that, they had to pack for themselves and they also brought along a huge dog. I don't think they ever get to travel light.

Observation one: If a sedan is sufficient, I can make it work with our mid-sized SUV without having to worry about upgrading or up-sizing. Even with limited space, we can easily make the most of it, especially TB and I don't have a dog. We just have to be better packers.

As a mom, she is very happy and laidback, which directly reflects on how she cares for the baby. Baby B is a mama's boy but she lets him explore, walk everywhere, and touch everything. This lake house we stayed at was not really baby-proofed. Baby B was pressing the dish washer switches, opening the cabinet doors and taking cooking sheet out of it, playing with the switches of the stove (he didn't really figure out how it works) and getting himself familiar with the new environment. She watched from a distance but never once wanted to stop him. She talked to him and let him know what the buttons are for and granted, as strong as Baby B was, he was in no way turning on the fire or anything. Baby B would walk around the house and fall on his butts cushioned by the diaper. Without rushing to hold him up, she made sure no damage occurred and encouraged him to stand up on his own.

Observation two: Kids learn from experience and mistakes, just like us. I will not be an overprotecting parent who attend to the kid all the time, and I am sure TB won't either. We will let our kid run around as long as we have the eyes on him. But if he falls, he has to pick himself up - it's a life lesson.

At every meal, she would be in the kitchen looking around to see if there is anything Baby B can eat with his 5 new teeth, and she would improvise. Baby B was able to eat whatever we bought from the grocery store that weekends, such as, blueberries, bananas, peaches, and any snack available. She and the daddy would make grilled cheese sandwich or pasta as his meals. She let Baby B eat like the rest of us, of course, plus milk. And Baby B really enjoyed the food.

Observation three: I always think it's pretty stupid to pack baby food in all kinds of containers everywhere you go especially when your kid is old enough to eat anything anyway. I have seen a very attentive mom labeled all containers, which I even lost count of how many for that meal, carried in a separate baby bag along with the regular baby bag she carried. That just made me roll my eyes. I think by eating all ranges of foods, baby grows the immunity to fight against allergies or other things (ok, I admit, it's only my theory).

Baby B loves water. He has been taking swimming lessons early on. She said he is just to small to understand or to be afraid (of water), but he already knows to paddle and get his nose out of the water. Every morning, she took him out for a swim time. It might be just him soaking in water and playing the splashes, but he absolutely loved it.

Observation four: My kid will start the swimming lesson as early as the class will take him. I swim, so there is no question my kid will too. It's such a great skill to have even if it's not for the fitness purpose.

As laidback as the parents are, Baby B still got a lot of disciplines. Of course he cried, he made fuzzes, and he woke up too early in the morning and so on, but compared to a lot of lousy parents and their crazy kids, I would say I totally admire what she does to Baby B.

I took a lot of notes over the weekend on parenting and her thoughts on how to survive the first couple months.

As of now, I don't know what kind of parent I will be. Am I going to be super liberal and let the kid grow up by himself? Or am I going to "hold his hands" every step of the way with all the control power I have? I have no idea. However, I am definitely learning a lot from observing other parents. Maybe I will do a mix and match style, like how I like my outfits :)

We are doing research on child psychology and early development books (too many of them, not knowing which one to buy). Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom is definitely on my list. I know, it's not really a "development" type of book and I am surprised I have not already read this book. It's always good that I am reminded again the way I was brought up and how I should apply the experience on my kid.

I am all for Tiger Mom approach and I know my kid will appreciate it, because he has no choice.

As I am new to this raising kids thing, I certainly would love to hear all of your experience, whether it's a failure or a success. If it's a failure, I wouldn't mind learning from your mistakes. If it's a success, there is no reason you don't share - you should be proud and brag about it!!


#onparenting
DearJulie

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Workout of the weekend:
Kayaking
Tennis
Paddle Boarding
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Workout of today: swimming 50 minutes
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Dance like no one is watching

I can still dance even when carrying a bulging belly. If one day I can't dance anymore, just let me end myself.

I took a Zumba class the other day and got reminded how much I miss dancing - or how I miss the days when I went to school full-time, taught 20 hours a week, plus office hours, did research and wrote papers any time I got, worked at restaurants on weekends, and still managed to go out clubbing with friends at weekend nights. I miss the late night, I miss the loud music, I miss the dim light that makes everyone good looking, I miss the flirtatious looks that people used to give me, I also miss dancing all night soaking in my own sweat.

Sound gross? No, that's the best feeling ever when you stop caring about being gross; when a gentle waving of hair would splash out all the sweat on you; when you are dancing like no one is watching.

Maybe I have been lazy for a while, or maybe I grew out of the single life phase. But I can never quit dancing, like going out in a club dancing.

I don't do it anymore because no one asks me to go out nowadays. Being married and being pregnant do not make me a good going out buddy. I tell my friends that I have a black dress that covers my belly very well that I could wear when I go out, and I promise I won't embarrass them.

I pulled that dress out from an unpacked suitcase and it's now sitting there and ready to go anytime. Oh, and that pair of heels to go with...

You might think I sound desperate. But let me tell you, I have a picture of how my life will be in 4 months (and thanks to my loving husband who keeps reminding me), and it's not pretty (granted I puzzled together this picture based on others experiences but still...). So while I can still do it, I should really do it, even though nothing has ever stopped me before.

So if you are going out, let me know. I am mostly free on weekends if I don't work. Please make sure there is good music and good crowd. When making plans with me, please make sure the night starts at around 7 or 8pm, in that case I can hang whole night (until 1am). I won't be able to "get drressed and go out" after 10pm since I will be in bed if I am not already out.

For those of you who read, please spread the words :)


#imissclubbing
DearJulie

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Workout of the day:
Seated good morning: 3x10
Squat: 3x10
Staight-leg deadlift: 3x10
Leg extension: 3x10
Cycling: 45 minutes
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